Zoe's Tips for Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is on its way, Friends!

Hiya, Friends!  Hey. Didja know that Valentine's Day is right around the corner?  I mean, it's two weeks away! 

Are you ready?  Have ya made your fancy Valentine's Day mailbox so your coworkers know where to put their Valentines to you? 

If not, you can always tape a paper bag with a heart-shaped doily on it to your desk.  I mean, that'd be the conservative approach to a Valentine's Day mailbox.  That'd be the no muss, no fuss way to get your Valentine's Day Mailbox out of the way and put out so people can start fillin' it.

Me?  I think we all oughtta make a SPLASH with our Valentine boxes, Friends!  You know I'm gonna!  I mean, look at my outfit today, Friends!  Would a girl who wears zebra print and a proliferation of pink tulle really be happy puttin' a doily-decorated paper lunch bag on her desk to collect all the Valentines she's gonna get?

Do ya have a cool mailbox all lined up in which to collect your cards?

No!  Silly grownups!  Of COURSE a kid like me wouldn't be happy with that arrangement!  And neither should you Big People be!  Hey, you know what?  Check your phone.  Check your phone right now, because your little kid self is calling you to say "Big Person that is the future version of past me: do not phone in our Valentine's Day mailbox by taping a doily to a lunch bag and taping the lunch bag to our desk!  We can do better than that!  We can do better!"

I mean, in this day and age with the Pinterest and the Internets, there's no excuse to have a lame Valentine Collector.  There's no excuse for it!  Take down that silly paper bag right now, put in a votive candle, and make a luminaria out of it.  Create a little ambiance!

Your Valentines mailbox should be a representation of your personality!

In my department, neato Valentine Card Collector boxes have started popping up all over the place.  My friend Sabretooth made his to look just like a Zamboni.  He used a coupla boxes and cobbled and taped them together, then put freezer paper over the whole works and used stickers and paint to make his box look like a Zamboni.  And then he cut a slot in the top so that people can put in their Valentines!

My friend Sophie La Giraffe made a Valentine Mailbox that looks like a little pink house, and to put in your card, you open the front door!  How about that?!  Pinki the Little Giraffe brought in a real mailbox, approved by the Postmaster General, even, and it's painted with all sortsa heart-inspired designs.  Pinki painted it herself, with a paintbrush held in her teeth!

It's so inspiring, what my friends can come up with, Big People. And it makes this time of year so much more fun, when you're walkin' through the department and ya see all these great mailboxes!

On the other hand, the Executives participate in Valentine's Day, too, and their suites aren't very sweet.  Guess who went to the dang ol' Sams Club and picked up a hundred-pack of paper lunch bags, and also a hundred-pack of red heart doilies and a sizeable rolla Magic Tape:  It was the executives!

And they say imagination is dead.

Don't sweat the Valentines, Friends!  I have ideas for you!

Anyway, now that I've gotchyoo thinkin' about building your own mailbox, I wanna talk to you about filling up the mailboxes on your friends' and coworkers' desks.  Now, you can get the good ol' classic Valentines that your favorite store sells this time of year.  You can do that, especially if you're pressed for time, and you have a lot of friends and coworkers.  I've got me a package of storebought Valentines, myself.  My company has a policy in place that to prevent super-hurt feelings on Valentine's Day, everybody gives everybody a Valentine.  It doesn't hafta be fancy.  Just a little note in the ol' mailbox, because it would really hurt to bring in a buncha Valentines for everybody else, and then get back to your desk and the mailbox you put some time into decorating really nice, only to find that nobody put any Valentines in it for you.  So I agree with the Executives on this one.  And I use my store-bought Valentines cards on the people I don't know very well or particularly like, and then I add a little note on the back, to make it personal.  I mean, it's Valentine's Day and the mascot is a heart, for Pete's Aches, so I like to make an extra-special effort to find something nice to say about everybody on the Valentine card I give 'em.

Who knows?  It could change their outlook for the rest of the year?

But for my good friends, and my coworkers I really have a lotta fun with, I like to give 'em something special on Valentine's Day.  But nothing weird.  I mean, you know?  You don't wanna turn Valentine's Day at the office into a Day of Weirdness, do you?  I sure as heck don't wanna!

So instead of giving out real hugs and kisses, I like to make up goodie bags with Hershey's chocolate Hugs and Kisses, and put a tag on that says "Hugs and Kisses from Your Pal Zoe!"  Isn't that clever?

Or if chocolate isn't really your thing or the thing of your friends and co-workers, you could throw together a little goodie bag with little bottles of hand sanitizer, some Emergen-C or Airborne, and a little pack of Kleenexes, with a tag that says "Sharing is caring on Valentine's Day.  Except germs.  Don't share germs.  Use hand sanitizer!  Love, Your Pal Zoe!"  Or whatever your name is.  Don't sign 'Zoe' on things if your name isn't Zoe.  People will get the wrong idea about both of us!

You wanna know what I'm gonna do for my List At Large this year, Friends?  I had a buncha little Valentine's cards made up with Justin Bieber's picture on the front, and then on the back, they say 'Just a note from me to letchya know how pleased I am this Valentine's Day that you are NOT this guy!'  and considering I ordered fifty of those cards, I'm glad there aren't fifty Justin Biebers running around everywhere. 

Also, you can't go wrong with humor.  You just cannot, Friends!  Make your Valentines laugh with a punny joke, or a delightful riddle!

Keepin' it simple.  Keepin' it real.  That's what I'm all about, Friends.  

I made my Valentine's Day mailbox to look like a pinata, because I still want a pinata!

As for me, my Valentine's mailbox is in the shape of a pinata this year, because what I really want is a pinata.  But I won't turn my snoot up at finding chocolate or hand sanitizer in my mailbox.  It's the thought that counts, Friends!

Well, Valentine's Day is only two weeks away, so we'd all better get crackalackin' on our mailboxes!  Remember.  Don't be lame!  Don't phone this in!

I love ya, Friends!
  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

I'm Lucky!

Pssssst.  Friends.  Do you know you're lucky?

Friends, have you ever heard of the Doctor Seuss book Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?  Well, it's one of my favorites.  First of all, there's a lot of readin' to it, and because I get to pick two books to read before my naptime, I like to pick the ones that have a lot of readin' to 'em.  I used to choose quick-readin' board books, but then I realized 'Hey!  Those short books are gettin' me down for a nap faster!' and I started combing my bookshelf for nice, wordriffic stories and books.  That's another reason why I love the Berenstain Bears so much.

Shhhhh.  Friends, I don't think Mommy's onto my trick yet, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't clue her on.  I've got a good thing going here, chomping into my naptime with extra-long books.  Please don't go and mention it to Mommy, or I'll be back to reading Sandra Boynton board books that are done in about four sentences.  That isn't enough time!

If ya know your own worth, you'll stop givin' discounts, Ali Sard!

But today, I'm talking about Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are? because another reason that I just love that book is that it inspires me.  When I'm havin' a stinker of a day, that book reminds me that hey, it could be worse. 

It's schadenfreude for the sippy-cup set, really!

See, in the book, it tells about all these unfortunate people in unfortunate circumstances, carrying on in quiet desperation.  We're meant to feel bad for those people featured in the book, and be glad that our situations aren't as bad as theirs.  I feel the worst for poor Ali Sard, whose uncle makes him mow his enormous back yard with a push-mower, and the faster Ali mows, the faster the grass grows, and the uncle just pays two dooklas a day, so Ali has to put himself in an even more preposterous predicament on Sundays, when he paints flagpoles way up high.

I wish poor Ali could earn enough painting flagpoles to buy himself a nice riding lawnmower with a nice, wide cutting deck to take care of his uncle's back yard.  Or.  He could pick up some other landscaping jobs around the neighborhood, build up a good reputation for himself, start making some serious money, and then if his uncle wanted to keep him on, he'd have to pony up more dooklas a day.  Sure, he's family and all, that uncle, but really, it isn't a family privilege to get to pay someone a ridiculously piffulous sum for what amounts to a lotta work.  That's just called bein' cheap an' taking advantage of someone's family loyalty, so if poor Ali Sard could just get a few more gigs lined up, he could either make his uncle pay a fair wage, or his uncle could take to cutting his own grass.

I'm also glad I don't hafta be a Hawtch-Hawtcher Bee-Watcher-Watcher!  That'd be an awful job, just watching someone watch someone else who's watching a bee work.  Could you imagine the boredom that must pervade that workplace?

Yep! I have a lot to be happy I am, and a lot to be happy I'm not!

Or the poor fella who has a crazy house with lotsa stairs, and his bathroom's at the toppa one set of stairs, but his bedroom's down and up and around and through another set of stairs. 

I sure love that book, Friends.  It reminds me to be happy about all the things I'm not, but then I get to thinkin' more on the subject, and realize I have a lot to be happy I AM!  For instance, I'm happy I'm me.  I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.  I have enough to eat, and I have a warm place to sleep.  I have a lotta nice friends. I'm happy because I'm loved. 

I'm happy I'm... well, happy.  Not everybody gets to be that.

Yep, Friends.  On a stinker of a day, I read that book and realize not only could things be worse, but also and more importantly, I realize that I have things pretty darn good, by golly!  So if you're havin' a stinker of a day, Friends, maybe check out Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are? and start feelin' a whole heapin' helpin' lot better. 

And remember that I love ya lots, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Cookies, Cookies, Cookies!

Didja know cookies are great for dunking in a hot beverage or milk?

Hiya, Friends!  Hey, you know how much I love cupcakes, but I betchya didn't know I also have quite an affinity for cookies.

Well, of course I do.  Cookies are pretty great.  They're sweet like a cupcake, but they have the added benefit of dunkability.

Yes, dunkability.  You know what I'm talking about, Friends!  Have you ever had a hot beverage or a glassa milk, and tried to dunk a cupcake in it?  What'd that getchya?

I'll tell ya what it gotchya.  It gotchya a soggy-cake mess, didn't it? 

Oh, no.  This doesn't mean I love cupcakes any less!

That's because cupcakes aren't meant to be dunked, Friends!  They're structured and set up to be beautiful single-serving-sized cakes.  You shouldn't need to dunk a cupcake because a cupcake shouldn't be crispy.  It just shouldn't.  If it is, something went terribly wrong in the baking process.  Or that cupcake has been around for a while past its prime.  I mean it.

Cookies are a different matter.  They're smaller than cupcakes, and if they're bigger cookies, you can break off pieces of the cookie and dunk 'em in your milk or into your hot beverage.  I love hot beverages here when the weather's so darned cold.  I really do!

I like to keep my sweet treat options open!  I like 'em all!

And a cookie won't get all mushy and fallapart if you dunk it right.  Here's how ya do: ya take a piece of cookie that's big enough for you to hold onto, but sized to fit into your mug or glass, then ya dunk whatchya plan to bite off in the next bite or two.  Hold it in your drink for a couple-three seconds, then ya take your bite or two!

That's the method I've found works for optimum dunkability, minimal sogging.  Ya don't want sogging!

And, Friends, just 'cause I'm talkin' about cookies today doesn't mean I don't love cupcakes or donuts anymore.  I think the best plan in life is to love ALL sweet treats.  They all have their time-n-place, Friends!  They really do!

All right, Friends!  Think about what I said about proper dunking technique.  Get yourself some cookies and a hot beverage or a glassa milk, and give it a spin!  Lemme know what you find out about dunking techniques that work for you!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I love ya bunches!  Muah!

It's Cold: Hugga Snowman!

Do ya think it'll warm up soon?

Hiya, Friends!  Boy, I'll tell ya what.  This weather's been makin' it hard for me to get warm lately.  I think it's just because lookin' outside, I know it's super-cold.  I mean it.  I can be all wrapped up in my fuzzy blanket, in my reading nest, reading the story about Bob the Coconut, which takes place in a tropical location, and one look out the door, and all's I can do is shiver-shiver!

I guess it isn't as bad as the Polar Vortex.  But I still think Old Man Winter's being a little extreme.  I think he completely ignored my talk about how he doesn't hafta be extremely extreme and cold in order for us to notice him.  He doesn't hafta be a jerk in order to get our respect. 

What good is Winter if ya can't go sled-ridin'?

He doesn't, Friends.  It's the end of January.  It's Winter's time.  I think we can all respect that, if Winter could respect us, and not be so harshy cold.

Here's my big frustration, Friends: I wanna go sled-riding on my fluorescent orange plastic sled.  And the thing of it is, when we HAVE snow, Mommy won't let me go out, because it's "too cold," and there's "windchill" that the weatherfolks are "warning" us about.  And then when it's warm enough for Mommy to say I can go out, the snow's all been melted away by stupid cold rain, or there's a crusta ice on it.

Aw, well, Friends!  It's cold, so hugga snowman!

What I wanna know is what good is Winter if ya can't go out and enjoy it?  What good is it, for real?  Here I am, finally big enough to go sled-ridin', and I've got me a nicey-warm snowsuit and some fuzzy warm snowboots. 

My friend Frosty Snowman helped put it in perspective for me.  Frosty Snowman's lived in the cold a lot, and through the magic of Magic, he's able to live inside where it's nicey warm with me, without worrying about melting.  And he told me not to resent the deep-freeze outside.  I'll get to go sled-ridin' one of these days.  There's still lotsa winter left. 

Frosty Snowman told me that when it's so cold outside, you oughtta hugga snowman.  It's good luck, and it's good for the soul.  So that's what I'm gonna do.  Hugga snowman!

I love ya, Friends!  I love ya lots!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Bakin' Bacon Muffins!

D'oh! I forgot to set the timer on the muffins!

Friends, yesterday I told you all about my time as a Barista at the Coffee Kiosk in my office building as part of the Work Exchange Program, but what I really wanted to talk about is how much fun it is to help my friend Donut Dude out behind the counter at his donut place.

As uptight as the Coffee Kiosk people are, Donut Dude is fun.  And the Coffee Kiosk folks are so uptight, you can't call 'em 'folks' at all.  Just Coffee Kiosk Personnel, or as they like to call themselves, 'cast members.'

Whatevs.

I also recently had an out-of-building, or off-site Work Exchange Program experience at Donut Dude's.  Despite our rough start, the day I was sent to pick up coffee and donuts for my co-workers, and Donut Dude was all out of donuts, I love going to Donut Dude's, and I love helping him out behind the counter, when he needs the help and I'm free. 

Now, Donut Dude doesn't just have coffee and donuts.  He also sells bagels and muffins in his shop.  I've already worked the front counter, makin' coffee drinks for people when they come in, and visiting with them a little bit, while I wait on 'em.  A lot of them work right in my building!  How about that?! But I never worked in the business part of the bakery, so on this Work Exchange Program Experience, Donut Dude put me in charge of bakin' his famous Bacon Muffins.

Wonder what I should do.

Hey, I saw that snoot you made.  Un-make the snoot and let me tell ya what Bacon Muffins are.  They're a sweet-savory muffin made from Donut Dude's own Maple-Sweet Muffin Batter Base, which is sweet enough, and maple-y enough, but not overpoweringly so.  Then, Donut Dude mixes in semi-sweet miniature chocolate chips and crumbled-up applewood-smoked bacon.  And THEN, he makes a Maple Swirl in each individual Bacon Muffin and adds a Sweet-Maple-Bacon Crumbly Top to the top and bakes 'em.

They're so good!  They're like eatin' chocolate chip pancakes and gettin' some of the syrup on your bacon on your plate, and eatin' it all together!  MmmmmmmmmMMMMM!

What's that? ... Oh, you freak out when your syrup touches your bacon?  Well, I'm... wow.  I don't know what to say to that.  There are a lotta other things that are better to freak out about than havin' your maple syrup touch your bacon.  ... Snakes, for instance. ... Oh, yeah?  You don't  mind snakes?  What if it's a two-hundred pound anaconda that can open doors and lives right outside your house?  Now the syrup touching your bacon doesn't seem like something so worthy of a freak-out over, does it?!

Anyway.  That explanation took longer than I thought it was going to.  My point of this story is that Donut Dude had me baking up the Bacon Muffins, and on one batch, I forgot to set the timer.  Donut Dude has a lotta ovens, with a lotta different batches of muffins bakin' in 'em, and they all kinda look alike to a little kid, and I forgot to set the timer on one batch, and couldn't remember when it was that I'd put it in the oven, because I got to work on the next batch as soon as I had those in the oven, and it'd been like that all day!

You know how it is with muffins, Friends.  You've gotta leave 'em in the oven for just the right amount of time, not too short a time, or you'll have gummy middles, and not too long, because whether or not you think very much of Donut Dude's Bacon Muffins, you've gotta agree that you don't wanna leave 'em in the oven too long, because NOBODY likes to eat charcoal.

Well, maybe a dragon would like to eat charcoal.  Or somebody with Pica.  I wouldn't trust the judgment of either of those demographics, though.

And you can't just open up the oven door on a pan of muffins if they're not ready, or you'll have a mess.  You will.  I didn't know what to do, but I didn't want to mess up a whole batch of Donut Dude's muffins, so I took a chance, opened up the oven door, and...

Down to my last Bacon Muffin.  Time to make more!

You know, I'm starting to think that what I have is an uncannily perfect sense of timing, Friends!  My baker-sense got to tingling, and I worried about those muffins I forgot to set the timer for, and when I opened that oven door, they were JUST PERFECT! 

Crisis averted!

I learned my lesson, Friends.  When I'm rushing around, helping Donut Dude in his bakery, I can't plan to rely on my stellar memory alone, or else the muffins will suffer.  Would that make them suffins?  Do you know?

Anyway.  I leave myself reminders on the oven doors now.  When I close up a new batch of muffins inside, there's a note: "Didja set the oven timer?" and it reminds me to set the oven timer.  No gummy middles, no charcoally muffins on my watch!

Reminders!  They're like magical magic!

I love ya, Friends!  Don't be afraid to try new foods, even Bacon Muffins!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Baby Barista!

I love having new experiences at work!

Hiya, Friends! Guess what!  Recently, I had the opportunity to work at the fancy Coffee Kiosk down in the lobby of my office building.  At Donut Dude's, they call that position the "Coffee Jockey," but at the Coffee Kiosk, they're called "Baristas."  According to Donut Dude, that's so the Coffee Kiosk can feel justified in charging too much for the same coffee drinks that Donut Dude can make for less than half of what you can buy 'em for at the Coffee Kiosk. 

You see, at Donut Dude's, I can get my favorite drink, the Bambinoccino, in a tall cup, with whip, for two dollars, maybe two-fifty if I get flavor.  At the Coffee Kiosk, I'll pay six, six-fifty.  And yes, sometimes, I DO pay six, six-fifty at the Coffee Kiosk, because I'd really, really like my Bambinoccino, and either the weather's bad or I don't have time to leave the office building to run to Donut Dude's. 

I think they call this "paying the price for convenience" and also, "supply-n-demand."

Anyway, while the brand names aren't the same, the techniques are basically identical.  I've helped out behind the counter at Donut Dudes a coupla times.  Donut Dude taught me how to make a really great Bambinoccino, and while the people at the Coffee Kiosk were teaching me how to make the different coffee drinks they sell, I couldn't help but notice that really, what Donut Dude taught me to do was the same exact things, except without the heavy-handed helping of condescension.

Maybe that's what you're really paying more for at the Coffee Kiosk.  The right to be smug that you can pay six dollars for a three-dollar coffee drink.  Hmm!

Now, at Donut Dudes, he labels all his coffee drinks with sizes that make sense.  Small, Medium, Large, Extra-Large, Bucket, and Box'O'.  You can special-order a tertiary size if ya want.  Like I have a "Tall" reusable to-go cup that I like to use, so I'm not putting extra disposable coffee cups into the environment.   Donut Dude will work with ya. 

I got all the free, fancy coffee I could drink!  I could drink a lot of coffee!

I mean, how uptight can a fella be when his name has the words "Donut" and "Dude" right in it?  Not very uptight.  That's the answer.  Somebody named that will be not very uptight.  And if ya come in and you don't know what something is, Donut Dude'll tell ya, and then he'll help ya decide just what kinda hot beverage is best for you today.  He'll help ya pair it up with the donut of your dreams, and you'll walk away a happy customer.   And if you're a regular, and Donut Dude notices that you're gettin' in a rut, ordering the same thing, over and over, he'll letchya try something new, on the house!  How about that?!

I guess I'm talking so much about what it's like at Donut Dude's, so you have an idea of what I was expecting to see and do during my time at the Coffee Kiosk as part of the Worker Exchange Program here at my office building, and what I actually was expected to do, how I was expected to act.

At the Coffee Kiosk, people don't want to talk to you, other than having you fill their order, and it's like they speak in code when they're ordering.  They don't wantchya askin' 'em how they're doing today, or offering commentation on the weather.  Just make their coffee, slap it into the Coffee Kiosk to-go-cup, snap on a lid, get their money, and send 'em on their way, even if they're not busy!  No wonder, when I hafta buy a $6 Bambinoccino I could go to Donut Dude's and pay less than $3 for, and I try to strike up a conversation with the person behind the counter at the Kiosk, they just kinda smirk, look down at me, and make my coffee and sent me on my way.  No conversating.  No real smiling.  They're trained to be that way.  Can you believe it?!

Another weird thing I noticed at the Coffee Kiosk was that it's really, really popular with the Executives.  Hector, the Security Guard at the Security Kiosk, right next door to the Coffee Kiosk, always drinks coffee from Donut Dude's.  Consuela always has a thermos of Donut Dude coffee at work.  Sabretooth brings us Box'o'Donut Dude Coffee a lot, and I've seen him make it a point to hold it up and give it the thumbs up as he walks past the Coffee Kiosk.  What I'm saying is for me and my friends, the Coffee Kiosk is just a last-ditch place to get coffee, but it's the Executives that must keep that place in business, down in the lobby. 

Funny thing, I waited on the very Executive that I said had butt breath a coupla weeks ago, in my meeting about whether or not they were gonna cancel my show over on the Facebook, and he didn't even recognize me while I was working at the Coffee Kiosk!  No recognition on his face.  Called me 'Chloe,' even though my nametag very clearly said 'Zoe,' and also, because we've just gone through this epic corporate battle over The Daily Zoe.  Another of the Executives that I hafta report to for the show every so often made it seem like he was looking at me when he gave his order, but he was looking over my shoulder. 

How did these people get to be successful, is what I wonder.  With their people-skills and everything, even.

At least I got to drink all the fancy coffee I wanted while I was working at the Coffee Kiosk!

But it's good to be back in my good ol' regular department!

Yep.  I love havin' new experiences at work.  I love learnin' new things, and I liked getting to drink the expensive, fancy coffee for free, even though Donut Dude's coffee is better.  I was never so glad to have my time be up at a Work Exchange Program assignment. 

The kicker is, the person the Coffee Kiosk sent up to replace me for my time at the Coffee Kiosk messed up everything at my work station, so it took me the better part of a day to get everything straightened out and smoothed over. 

Smug aloofness just doesn't fly up here in my department.  I'm surprised Sabretooth didn't stuff her in one of the recycle bins for fun.  He's been known to do such things!

Aw, well, Friends!  I'd say if ya hafta err on one side or the other, err on the side of Friendly, get your coffee from Donut Dude, and leave the Coffee Kiosk to the snobby Executives.  That's what I say!  I love ya lots!  See ya tomorrow!  Muah!

I Took The Moon for a Walk!

Reading will take you anywhere, Friends!

Hiya, Friends!  As you know, I love to read, and when I find a book I really love, I really love it.  I mean really, really love it lots.

My favorite book right now is called I Took the Moon for a Walk, and it's about this little boy who goes for a walk with the moon one night.  They go through a neighborhood, down a path through the middle of a park, the moon has to jump over a church spire, and then the moon shows the boy its reflection in a smooth stream.  I love to make my fingers walk over the little bridge in that picture!  It makes me feel like I'm part of the story!

Finally, the moon takes the boy back to his house, where the boy goes to sleep, and the moon shines in his window all night, keeping watch over him.

Even on a walk with the Moon! Wouldn't that be fantastic?

I love that book.  I really do.  Well, I'm fascinated by the moon.  It's a special treat when I get to see the moon peeking through my window.   I feel like I'm seeing a friend when I see the moon.

So that book has a lot of special meaning to me, because I'd love to take the moon for a walk sometime.  I think it'd be like getting to spend the day with the Stanley Cup.  It'd be a really big honor, and I'd wanna make sure the moon got to see and do some stuff on its walk with me.  You know, like going for a walk around my neighborhood.  I'd introduce the moon to the township trucks I love to watch drive past my house.  I'd introduce the moon to my pal Rozzie, and take it to see the cows-n-horses in the pasture next door.

Maybe I'd take the moon to the Texas Hot in Downtown Wellsville. 

Reading is my Aeroplane!

Do you think the moon would like the Texas Hot as much as I do?  I mean, I guess I could take the moon somewhere else, but I sure like that place, and I think the moon would be wowed, too.  I mean, if I got to spend a day with the Stanley Cup, I'd definitely take the Stanley Cup to the Texas Hot in Downtown Wellsville!  And the moon is kind of a bigger deal than even the Stanley Cup.  I mean, it is.  EVERYBODY loves the moon, and I understand that not everybody's a hockey fan.  And I think the Texas Hot is one of the coolest places I've ever been, so yes.  I'd take the moon there.  They have a variety of things on the menu.  The moon would definitely find something it likes. 

I'd suggest a cheeseburger, French fries, Vanilla Pepsi, and a slice'a' coconut cream pie.  That's what I'd suggest to the moon to order.  If the moon was really hungry, a Texas Hot. 

Goodness, Friends, now I'M hungry! I'd better get myself some grub.  I'd better.  You think about where YOU'D take the moon if you got to take the moon for a walk!  It's so much fun to think about!

Remember, I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

When Big People Need Time-Out

Oh my, Minions... sometimes Big People really act up, don't they?

Hiya, Friends!  I've gotta say, every day, I learn something about the World of the Big People, and every day, the more I learn about you, the more you just baffle me. 

The way celebrities act, for instance.  Have you been following that story about Even Stevens and how he said he wrote and directed a movie, and then as it turned out, he plagiarized the whole thing?  And then when he was called out for plagiarizing his whole movie, he wrote an apology, but the thing of it is, he plagiarized his apology...

I'm so glad we know how to act, Minions.

And THEN, when people found out about THAT, Even Stevens decided he was gonna just go put himself in Time-Out and retire from public life. 

It was probably a smart call.

If only somebody would take away Even Stevens' social media privileges.  Because he keeps popping up all over the SocialSphere, making a hiney-butt of himself, with regularity.

I mean, he kinda brought all the picking-on on himself, and then he says he's retiring from public life, ostensibly to stop the picking-on, but he keeps watching shows that he's got to know other celebrities are gonna pick on him, and he keeps responding to them!

And we know how NOT to act, thanks to Celebrities!

What?

How does that make any sense?

I mean, when I want to stop getting attention from Mommy and Daddy, I go into my Little House in the Living Room, shut the door, and don't come out.  When I wanna lay low, I don't engage anybody, even if they're trying to draw me out with jokes and entreaties and cookies.

Okay, I'd come out of my playhouse for a cookie. 

But still.  If somebody really wants to be left alone, they stay left alone.  They don't keep popping their heads up out of their woodchuck holes!

What really gets me is that a famous Big Person does something that gets 'em a lotta bad attention, and then they say they're going away, retiring, but they keep turning up to draw attention to their going-away-ness.  In fact, they trumpet out their going-away-ness in big press releases and farewell tours and multiple posts on the SocialSphere.  Why do they do that, Big People?

I think I know.  I think it's because they want there to be an outcry that says 'No, don't go! We'll stop picking on you for the stupid thing you did, if you just come back!  In fact, you did something stupid, but WE'RE sorry you did it, and WE'RE sorry we started picking on you!'  And then they keep popping up to announce that they're still retired from the public eye, so that nobody forgets about them.  Because if they really wanted to let the spotlight on 'em go out, they'd slip casually out of the light, melt into the crowd, and then figure out their comfortable level of obscurity and stay there.

I wanna be known for the good things I do and am.

Hmmm... wanting attention when they say they don't want attention, checking in every so often to make sure people aren't giving them the attention they say they don't want, doing crazy things like sky-writing apologies... It all seems vaguely familiar.  It all reminds me of what my People, the Toddlers, will do.  Not the sky-written apologies.  Probably not the sky-written apologies, since most of us Toddlers have no access to a sky-writing airplane, and we have to ask our parents for the kind of money to pay for a sky-writing airplane, and also, we're not all 100% on our letters, so 'I'M SORRY, WORLD!' would come out like 'AVBAYRORIY GARERAHGJKHGUEGTM, WAGASDFKJGIAW!' Because we don't know what the heck we're spelling. 

But the sentiment is there, Friends.  Big People who are celebrities want attention but say they don't want it when they're getting attention, doesn't matter what kind it is, but when they aren't getting attention, they want attention, no matter what kind it is.  Celebrities are really just like Toddlers! 

I feel like I've figured out a big secret of the world, Friends!  And now I'm going to go have a cookie with my Minions to celebrate, and also to refuel my head, because that took a LOT of thinking.

I love ya, and I'll see ya tomorrow!

Little People for the Ethical Treatment of Antique Jokes

Friends, how do you treat an antique joke ethically?

Friends, you know that joke about "What do a sunburnt Zebra and the newspaper have in common?...They're both black and white and re[a]d all over!"  Oh, I betchya do!  Everybody knows that joke!  That joke's been around FOREVER! 

And that's what I wanted to talk to ya about today.  That joke's been around FOREVER! and I'm not so sure it's as plugged into the zeitgeist as it usedta be.  Think about it.  I know that a long time ago, newspapers were all black ink and white paper, and even the pictures were in black and white, if there were pictures at all.  The funny papers looked colorful and vibrant, because they were printed with colorful inks.  But for my whole entire life, it's been more and more difficult to discern the real newspaper from the funny papers, on account of the whole newspaper bein' printed in color now.  Well, not the words, but definitely the pictures and graphics.

The only way I can really tell the difference is that there isn't much to laugh about in the real newspaper.

Speaking of the newspaper, there are so few around these days!  I know that there was a time when newspapers would print at least once a day, and sometimes you'd get an evening edition, too!  There was a constant stream of news flowin' on that newsprint.

We still have that today, but we call it "The Internet."

Do you see where I'm goin' with this, Friends?

Do you just let those old jokes keep on, even if they embarrass or hurt themselves?

I kind of think my old-joke friend about sunburnt Zebras and the newspaper is sort of a treasured anomaly in the modern era.  An antique of sorts.  And that leads me to wonder just how to treat antique jokes.  What's the ethical way to let the jokes still be themselves, but to acknowledge that they aren't as fresh as they used to be?  After a while, old jokes can get kinda brittle, and they break easier than they did when they were new.  If they're out and about and used too much, it could just lead to tragedy.  At the very best, those old jokes will embarrass themselves, but at the worst, they could end up shattered on the floor! 

But I don't wanna just put the old jokes up in the attic and forget about 'em.  I think that'd make the old jokes as sad as it makes me to see 'em get old.

I think there's a happy medium, Friends.  I hope there is.  Some nice space between the attic and just letting those poor old dear jokes roam freely, being a risk to themselves and others.  There's gotta be a way to respect the dignity of those old jokes and the contributions to comedy that those dated jokes made.  There's gotta be a way to honor those old jokes and keep 'em around a little longer.

I know! I'll present my old jokes as 'Classics' and use 'em only on special occasions!

I think I've got it.  I think what I'm gonna do is keep my antique jokes in a safe place.  Keep 'em shined up.  Keep the hinges oiled.  Keep the punchlines nice and crisp.  But keep 'em out of direct sunlight so they don't get yellowed and brittle.  Keep 'em away from humidity so they don't get moldy.

What I'm sayin' is take CARE of those antique jokes, lovingly, respectfully.  Keep 'em feelin' good about themselves.  And then on special occasions, bring 'em out and tell 'em as CLASSIC jokes!  You know, the way people who have those neat classic cars don't drive 'em on salty roads, but on nice, sunny days. 

I think that's my solution, Friends. I think that's how I'm gonna treat my antique jokes. 

Thanks for helpin' me work through that ballawax, Friends!  I've got some dustin' and polishin' on some classic jokes to do, so I'll get right to that and I'll see ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Where'd That Word Come From Wednesday!

Dancing and happy are synonymous for me!

Hiya, Friends!  Hey!  Do you ever have one of those days where the happy just burst outta ya, and you've gotta put on a tutu and twirl?  Well, that's the kind of day I'm havin' today.  I don't know if I'm so happy because I'm wearin' a tutu and twirling, or if I'm wearin' a tutu and twirling because I'm just so happy.  I DO know that I'm wearin' a tutu, and it's impossible not to be happy when you're wearin' a tutu.

Even saying 'tutu' makes me laugh.  What a funny word!

I wondered where it came from, 'tutu,' so I used my "Where'd That Word Come from Wednesday" to find out more about the word 'tutu.'

Well, I'll tell ya what, Friends. As it turns out, as fun as the word 'tutu' is to say, and as much as it's in the mainstream now, it started out as not a very nice word.  I'll tell ya why.

I'm smilin' 'cause I live in the Age of Spandex!

You know, ballet and ballerinas have been around for a long time. Longer than spandex and undies and spandex undies.  And back in the day, the rich people in a lace called France who went to the ballet got to watch the show from high above the stage.  So they just saw the dancer's costumes and would get to think 'how pretty!' and be thrilled by how graceful everybody was.  But the people with less money, who wanted to go to the ballet, but couldn't afford the nice seats above the stage would get the cheap seats, which were lower than stage level. 

Those people mighta gone to the ballet and bought tickets to see a ballet, but they got a whole other kinda show.

You remember what I said about ballet bein' around longer than spandex and undies and spandex undies.  Those people sitting down below the stage-level probably got giggling about seeing those poor ballerinas' hoo-has, and 'tutu' was their charming word for 'hoo-ha.'

Ouch.

My face is red for those poor dancers, Friends.  Can you imagine working so hard to be a graceful ballerina, and eating only celery and air, and very rarely, like on every other Christmas, a sip of tomato juice, and learning all the ballet moves and learning to make 'em look easy, and then to have the groundlings laughing because they could see your hoo-ha, which they called a tutu?

Almost kinda makes ya feel a little dirty, sayin' 'tutu' now, doesn't it?

Wiser and sadder, but I'm still happy today!

Well, ya can't unlearn something you've learned.  'Tutu' is part of the lexicon now, Friends, and it's a lot more innocent a word than it usedta be.  Wordologists call this amelioration.  The meaning of tutu has become ameliorated over the few hundred years since it first came into language.

You know why I'm especially happy today, then, Friends, while I'm wearin' my tutu and twirling and being happy?  Because I'm wearin' a diaper under my tutu.  That's right.  Being anti-potty-trainin' and pro-diaper-wearin' has its advantages, Friends.  If I'm ever dancin' on a stage, and there's groundlings in the cheap seats below stage level, they can look up all they want and try to see under my tutu-skirt.  They're not gonna get to giggle because they're seein' my bottom.  Nope.  They're gonna get an eyeful of Pampers Cruisers, and maybe a Muppet face on my hiney of my diaper.  But no hoo-ha to laugh about.  How about that?!

Wouldn't it be nice to un-know all of this, Friends?  Wouldn't it?  I think it sure would be.  But it is what it is.  I guess maybe we oughtta forget the word 'tutu's' slangy past.  Let it let its past go.  Give it a fresh start.  Otherwise, I'm not gonna be able to watch the Daniel Tiger episode "Tutu All the Time" without laughing hysterically out loud every time one of the characters says 'tutu.'  And I have already enough things I can be cynical about!

Wiser and sadder, Friends.  Anyway, I'll see ya tomorrow.  Right now, I've got some serious twirlin' to do.  Muah!

Getting Along in the Land of My People: Table Edition

Toddler table manners can be confusing.

Hiya, Friends!  How are you on this Toot-Toot-Tuesday?  I'm doin' great!  Fine and great and just as happy as all get-out!

Hey, what I wanna talk to you about today is how to get along with my People.  Not my People like Mommy and Daddy and Rozzie.  No.  I'm talking about my People, the Toddlers.

I've spoken before about how we Toddlers get a bum rap in the Land of the Big People.  We're blamed for bein' loud and noisy and messy and mercurial and contrarian and maliciously indecisive, and I'll tell ya what.  While on the surface, all those things seem true- except the malicious part of indecisiveness- we're not bein' indecisive to make you mad!  But I'm gettin' ahead of myself.  While on the surface, all those things seem true, thing of it is, Big People, they don't tell the whole story. 

Each facet of Toddler culture is like an iceberg.  You can see just the little part sticking up above the water, but whatchya don't realize is that there's a whole ginormous ICEBERG underneath that water, and if you're not careful, it's gonna sink your fancy, expensive ocean liner.  It just is. 

Ask Jack and Rose.

So, even though it seems like we act up just 'cause we wanna, I'd say eighty-seven point seven percent of the time, a Toddler Spaz-Out is a result of a breakdown in communication between a Toddler and a Big People, and can be managed.  The remaining percent of those Toddler Spaz-Outs, there's nothing you can do about them.  They're the result of the fact that Toddlers have a lotta energy swirling around inside 'em, and they need to let off that energy, or they'll EXPLODE!  So to let off that energy, we Toddlers EXPLODE!

Never fear, Friends! Let me be your guide!

If you can accept it, it won't seem so random to you, Big People. It won't feel like you're so under-siege. 

Now, on to a topic that often causes much strife between a Toddler and his or her Big People:

EATING.

Sometimes, to you Big People, it seems like we Toddlers are fussy about what we eat, and that's true.  You see, a plate of greens doesn't always look to us like it does to you.  To us, sometimes it looks like you cut up pieces of the lawn and put it on our plates.  Vegetables can look scary to us.  Heck.  Sometimes veggies can BE scary to us.  We've gotta be reassured that those veggies are GREAT to eat and that they're not pieces of lawn.  This is where you've gotta keep a great attitude, Big People, and not let us Toddlers see your personal prejudices against specific foods.  We Toddlers have a clean slate.  Besides, your credibility might have more currency with us if you live by your own words: "Try it! You might LIKE it!"  If you've hated broccoli since you were seven and haven't eaten it in over two decades, YOU try it with us!  You might like it!  Roast it!  Things taste fabulous when they're roasted!

Also, when you load up our plates so they look like a Big Person could eat off it and not feel hungry in five minutes, to us that looks like a LOT of food, and we probably won't be able to begin to eat it all.  Then there's the ensuing battle between the overwhelmed Toddler and the irate Big Person who's frustrated that the Toddler hasn't eaten *ANY* of his or her food, by looking at the Toddler's plate, and the Toddler's tried bites of everything, even a couple bites of everything, and is feeling FULL and can't understand why the Big Person is trying to cram more food down their throats!

Big People, we Toddlers aren't very complicated.  When we say we're full, we're full.  You can take it to the bank.  Guilt-tripping us isn't gonna make us clean our plates.  If we say we're full, don't make us eat any more.  We just can't fit it in.  I'm sorry, but we can't.  If we say we're hungry again five minutes after you clear the table, sometimes we are, sometimes we aren't.  Our bellies just work that way.  Try distracting us with some fun toys to see if we're just talking to hear ourselves talk.  We'll be all the more hungry for the next meal, but if a Toddler really starts gettin' insistent that they're hungry again, and things are gettin' ugly, just give the toddler a small snack of something healthy that you know they like- share a banana or something.  Don't give 'em corn chips or cheese curls.  It's gotta be something healthy.  (Sorry other Toddlers who might be readin' this- there's a game to play here, and sometimes we hafta give a little to the Big People in order for them to cooperate with us.)

Gettin' along with us at the table is easy, once ya know how!

Also, to ward off unpleasantness in the future, when you're puttin' a plate together for a Toddler, visualate it in your head first.  Does it look too full?  Put your Toddler Goggles on your Mind's Eye (Don't have Toddler Goggles?  I think you can get 'em from Amazon.  They have EVERYTHING there!) so you can see things from the Toddler's perspective. Does the plate look too loaded up?  Take off half the food on the plate you're visualizing.  In fact, empty the plate you're visualizing.  Now, just put a spoonful of everything on.  Don't let the different foods touch each other.  If we want our food mixed, we'll stir it up on our own.  We're good at stirring things.  Leave a lot of empty space on the plate.  Plates that are too gobbed up and piled high with food make us feel trapped, Friends.

Then, at the table, if we clean our plates and want more food, we'll tell ya.  Then give us another spoonful.  Not a heapin' helpin'.  Another spoonful. 

Is it labor-intensive and repetitive?  Maybe a little bit.  But isn't it worth it, to avoid an Ugly Situation and also to avoid wastin' food? 

Friends, we Toddlers know, somewhere in the backs of our minds, that you Big People are just doin' your best, and that you just want what's best for us.  You just don't always know how to get us what's best for us.  Here's the kicker.  We Toddlers don't wanna make you Big People mad at us.  We really don't.  We try to practice good manners.  We try to eat the food you give us.  We try to make you happy.  We just need a little friendly guidance, over and over sometimes, and also, we just need patience and understanding from you. 

It's easier for you to put on your Toddler Goggles (seriously, search Amazon!) and see things from our angle than it is for us to try to see the world like a Big Person sees it.  So please, Grownups.  Help us Toddlers help you.  Especially at the table at mealtime.

I love ya lots, Friends!  I really do!  I'll see ya tomorrow!

Blame It on the...

That happened. How do I explain this?

Friends, you know how it is.  You're around enough, and things happen.  Thing get knocked over.  Things get spilled.

What I'm saying is sometimes, stuff happens, and you know you've gotta explain it somehow.  I mean, all effects have causes, and the Powers that Be ™generally like to have some kind of explanation.

Fortunately, there are choices, Friends.  For instance, you could blame it on the rain.  This worked GREAT for Milli Vanilli in the late 1980s.  That's why we're still talkin' about it to this day.  I wasn't even AROUND when Milli Vanilli were around, and I still know about blamin' it on the rain. 

It's good horse sense, too, because the rain can mess up a lotta stuff.  Picnics.  The rain can mess up a picnic like you wouldn't believe.  Or a car show.  Or a motorcycle ride.  Or your plans to mow your lawn on Saturday, your only day off on which you have no other commitments. 

Yes, the rain sure can mess up a lotta stuff, and I maintain that it's a good thing to blame stuff on that you don't want to take personal responsibility for yourself.

Oh, though.  Wait a minute.  The rain can mess up a lotta good things, but it also does some pretty good things for us, like gives us water, and makes trees and flowers and food grow... I LOVE food that grows!  And it fills up swimming pools and even rinses off a dusty Jeep Mommy's too lazy to take to LaserWash. ... Maybe we don't wanna be blaming things on the rain, after all.

How 'bout the rain?  Or I could blame it on the Boogie...

And really, what happened to Milli Vanilli after THEY blamed the rain?  Haven't heard much about them. ... What's that? ... Oh, one of 'em DIED?!  Was it Milli or Vanilli? ... You don't know, either?  I see.  Well, whichever one it was, I'll betchya the other one works filling the soap dispensers at LaserWash.

Let's not take the advice of Milli Vanilli.  Rain, you're off the hook.

How about the Boogie?  The Jackson Five said to Blame It on the Boogie, and I think that's excellent advice.  Boogies are gross, gross things.  There is nothing redeeming about a boogie, and I don't feel a bit guilty for pinning things getting knocked over or spilled or happening on something like a boogie.  In fact, I think you can put the boogie in a Kleenex and just throw it all away after you blame it, and you're done.  That's what.

What are you saying, Friends? ... Oh.  The Jackson Five wasn't talking about THAT kind of boogie.  I gotchya, and you're right.  That was gross.  I apologize.

I'm not sayin' it was Rozzie, but I'm pointing to the perp.  Look.

I know.  When something's been knocked over or spilled or gotten lipstick drawn all over its face and hands and the walls and floor, I know who you I can blame.

Rozzie.  Rozzie looks like just the kind of person who'd take lipstick out of Mommy's purse and draw all over me and the wall and the floor and the purse and the dining room chair and herself with it.  Especially herself, in those hard-to-reach areas.  Because Rozzie's super-flexible.  There's who I'll blame.  It was Rozzie.

Oh, hey, Rozzie!  How are you? ... No, I wasn't tellin' the people you made a mess that I made.  Would I do that? ... Okay, yes, I would, and I'm sorry.  You can stop showing me your teeth.  I've seen 'em and been impressed by 'em before.  You can put those teeth away now.  Hey, have I ever told you that Raisinberry is your color?! ... You're not interested.  Okay.  ... All right, yes, I'll go get the Magic Eraser.  You're right.  Honesty is the best policy, next to cleaning up my own mess.

Friends, I've gotta go.  Rozzie's gonna look out for Mommy for me while I clean up my mess.  I guess I won't blame it on the rain, or on the boogie, or on my best pal Rozzie.  I have it on the authority of a friend with very big teeth and a convincing manner (some would say pushy) that honesty is the best policy when it comes to matters such as this.

So I've got my work cut out for me, Friends.  I'd better go.  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I love ya!  Muah!

Watchin' Video from the Pasta Regatta

That cavatappi looks delicious!

Hiya, Friends!  As you remember, I recently competed in the Pasta Regatta noodle boat races.  My pal Sabretooth was the captain of my noodle boat.  Coming from the hockey background that Sabretooth hails from, the SS Rigatoni crew and I have been going over and over the video from our recent race so that we can improve as we practice for next year.

I think video is a valuable tool in sports.  You can know what you're thinking in a moment, and how what you're doing feels, but nothing brings the whole picture together like... well, a moving picture. 

I love watchin' video from the Pasta Regatta.  I really do.  Sometimes, it's so exciting that I forget the race already happened and that I was in it.  I get so excited that I cheer for the good ol' SS Rigatoni and get disappointed all over again when we don't win.

Sabretooth has to remind me to keep my mind on what we're doing, to look at the Pasta Regatta analytically so that I can analytically analyze my own performance, and our performance as a crew on the SS Rigatoni.

There's the SS Rigatoni!  What a tasty noodle boat!

So besides me forgetting to watch the videos of the Pasta Regatta as a competitor instead of as a fan, the other challenge to watchin' the videos of the Pasta Regatta is that seeing all those references to noodles makes me really, really hungry.  When you love noodles... well, food, really, as much as I do, it's just hungry work, watchin' those noodle boats racing, with names like Cavatappi, and Acini di Pepe, and Bucatini.  Or Spaghetti, Linguini, Ravioli, and Rigatoni.

Why, I hear the announcer announcing the different noodle boats, and it just gets my mouth a waterin'.  It really does. 

Well, think about it.  Ya get thinkin' about all the different kinds of noodles and their noodly goodness, and ya get thinkin' about the different sauces you can put on those noodles.  That's what gets me, every time. 

I better go get something to eat, Friends.  I'm thinkin' noodles!

Noodles and butter, spaghetti and marinara, linguini alfredo... Sauces just make noodles so delicious.  We use sauce to fuel our noodle boats, but the noodle boats are named after just the noodles.  That's the trick.  You've gotta find the right combination of sauces to go with your noodle boat so it can run to its optimum performance.  That's the trick right there.  That's something the whole crew works together to find, the magical sauce combination, and they also work with a saucemaster at the noodle boat marina.  People who've been pairing noodle boats and sauces for years and years.

Me?  I'm just a newbie noodle boat lookout.  I'm hopin' to work my way up to noodle boat captain, so I can race a crew of my own with my friends who are also noodle boat captains. 
Friendly competition.  That's what it's all about.

But right now, I'm all about gettin' something to eat, Friends, so that's what I'm gonna do!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Dramatic Drama at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital

Whaddaya mean you don't see my name on the surgery board?

Hiya, Friends!  Well, I'm in my scrubs today, and for good reason.  I'm on rounds at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital today.  Has it ever been a doozy already.

I had a morning of patients all scheduled up.  My name was all over that surgery board outside the operating rooms.  Oh, it was gonna be fun.

I had badjokeectomies, back-to-back sense of humor replacements, a comedic timing pacemaker to place, and a spirit-lift booked for me to do today with my attending, Dr. Snoopy.  It was gonna be great!

Then I got to the hospital today, and one of the other residents, Dr. Chia, had taken all my surgeries, except one badjokeectomy. 

It was all over that board when I went home last night!

Boy, was I ever mad! 

This isn't the first time Chia's stolen my surgeries.  His attending is Dr. Lucy VanPelt, and is she ever a snotty one.  Last time this happened, she and Dr. Snoopy got into a chew, right outside of the nurse's station, and she called Dr. Snoopy a stupid beagle! 

Can you imagine?  A stupid beagle!

In my book, that's a lack of professional respect and courtesy.  But I have a feeling Dr. Snoopy got back at ol' Dr. Lucy VanPelt.  Not long after she called Dr. Snoopy a stupid beagle, I heard her calling for disinfectant.  I don't know what Dr. Snoopy woulda done, but I like to imagine he took a nice, big bite right outta Dr. Lucy VanPelt's hiney-butt.  That's what I like to imagine, 'cause that's what I'd like to do!

Anyway, my patients at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital LOVE me.  That's why my day was s'posed to be all fulla those surgeries.  I don't mind bein' busy, because that's why I'm here.  The busier I am, the more I learn, and the more I learn, the better doctor I'll be. 

Chia stole my surgeries again.

Lemme back up.  My patients here at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital LOVE me until Dr. Chia and Dr. Lucy VanPelt tell 'em that my attending is a stupid beagle and that I can't do their surgery because I didn't get my charts done, so I hafta spend time down in the pit doin' scut as my punishment, and also I'd mess up their surgery.  Then, no matter how much work I've done with a patient, to get 'em to have the surgery, they don't want any part of me doing the surgery.  They don't.

It's like I do all the work, settin' up a football for myself to kick, and just when I get a good runnin' start to give it a good kick, Dr. Lucy VanPelt and Dr. Chia go and yank that football away from me, just 'cause I'm a nice kid and won't slap 'em.

That just seems like something that Dr. Lucy VanPelt would do, doesn't it?!

Hold on! I'm bein' paged! It's the Chief!

Anyway, my attending, Dr. Snoopy tells me to rise above.  There's no sense of going around behind Dr. Lucy VanPelt and Dr. Chia and trying to make them look bad with patients, the way they do that with me and Dr. Snoopy.  That'd just make the whole hospital look bad.  I understand.  I don't want the whole hospital to look bad. 

But I don't like Chia winning like that, either. 

Thing of it is, more often than not, it's getting so that things have a way of evening themselves right the heck out.  When Chia steals my surgeries, I usually get paged to scrub in to fix it.  In the post-ops, if things start going sideways for a patient, Dr. Snoopy and I get put back on the case!  And the patients LOVE me again!

So this morning's surgeries mighta gotten stolen right out from under me.  Dr. Lucy VanPelt and Dr. Chia might be up to their tricks again, but it isn't gonna bring me down.  It just isn't.

You see, I have a special knack for spirit-lifts, and ya can't be good at doin' spirit-lifts if you yourself are all growly and mad.  It taints the procedure, and the patient almost always has to go back into surgery to have it corrected.  The vast majority of my spirit-lifts stay lifted right the heck up, Friends!  My laugh replacements stay nice'n'spongy and flexible!  They rarely go bad!

I get to scrub in and assist Chief on a rare triple-spirit-lift with laugh replacement! Ha!

I guess what I'm sayin' is that I AM wise to follow Dr. Snoopy's advice of risin' above and lettin' my work speak for itself while Dr. Lucy VanPelt and Dr. Chia go around trying to make themselves look better around here by makin' me look like a doofus.

It's true!  If I woulda gotten down in the muck with Dr. Lucy VanPelt and Dr. Chia this morning, over stealin' my surgeries, except for that emergency badjokeectomy, the Chief of Surgery himself wouldn't have paged me to scrub in and assist on a very rare triple-spirit-lift with a laugh replacement.  This is cutting-edge comedomedical work we're doing here at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital, Friends!  And I'm proud that I get to be part of it!  I don't hafta stand on somebody else to make myself look great, because I. Am. Awesome at this.

I'd better go, Friends!  I've gotta be in the OR in fifteen minutes!  I love ya lots!  See ya tomorrow!  Muah!