Sunday, November 30, 2014

Farewell, Sweet November!

You know what this means, Friends: It's go time!
Friends, can you believe today's the last day of November, Twenty-Fourteen?  It seems just like yesterday I was working at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital on Halloween.

Not that I didn't work at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital yesterday, too.  It's a neverending grind, being a Humorous Healing Resident, well ya know.  I wouldn't say that I'm tired of it, because I'm not.  We all have those days, though, Big People, and today's one of mine. 

But I'm talkin' about how today's the last day of November.  I think it was a pretty good one.  I really liked the big Snow Finale over the weekend.  I love snow.  I did before, but now that Disney's Frozen is such a big part of my life, I love snow even more.

Every morning when I wake up, I look out my window and declare that I've plunged the Bing into Eternal Winter, or at least until the big spring thaw next June.  I use the living room furniture and blankets to practice climbing up North Mountain.  I pretend Rozzie is Sven the Reindeer.  I tried to convince her to be Olaf, because Olaf likes warm hugs, but Rozzie has a lot in common with Sven, too. 

If anything, Friends, I've learned I have to be a little flexible.  It just makes life easier.

So now we're saying good-bye to this sweet November.  Sayin' hello to December in the morning tomorrow.  You know what this means, don't you?  It means it's go time.  Holidays, here we come! 

I sure love the dickens right outta ya, Big People.  You have a great day!  Muah!

Saturday, November 29, 2014

Don't Fight This Christmas Feeling Anymore!

I love Christmas.  A whole lot.
Well ya know, Big People, it's the Christmas season, and now that it's the time of year where it's appropriate for me to talk about Christmas nonstop, I am gonna go nuts!

I don't understand why you Big People get all skinny around the nose when Little People like me get all whipped up about Christmas and wanna sing Christmas carols in the checkout line.  It's two days after Thanksgiving, so I wanna see Christmas lights outside people's houses.  I wanna see the big, blow-up Snoopies on their doghouses.  I wanna see the light-up Santa and Reindeer decorations running across people's lawns and on toppa their roofs!

Bein' mad that it's the Christmas Season isn't gonna bring Summer back around any faster, Friends.  I think the best way to handle it being Christmas Season is to just embrace it, Friends.  Learn to love your fuzzy coats and warm blankets and snowboots. 

Just make sure to take the tissue paper outta your new snowboots. I forgot to do that, and my snowboots looked huge on the outside, but my feet were all jammed up inside.  Then I took out the tissue paper in the toes, and everything was right in the world again.  Why do they do that, Big People?  Why do they put big globs of paper in little kids' snowboot toes at the store?  I don't like it at all!

But I love Christmas.  I love it a whole lot.  And I love you, too, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, November 28, 2014

Shoppin' and Droppin'

Orange is the new Black Friday!
Hiya, Friends!  I realize that today's traditionally known as "Black Friday," but with the way everybody was gettin' the jump on everybody else and opening up Thanksgiving evening to start the shoppin' stampede, Black Friday's startin' to feel quaintly tardy for the party, you know?

It doesn't matter one way or another to me.  I made all my Christmas presents back in the summer.  Yes I did.  They were macaroni necklaces.  I'm a Little Kid, and I can get away with giving macaroni necklaces for a few more years.  It lets me express myself creatively in durham wheat and it also keeps me out of the crazy fray of you Big People at the store this time of year.

But there is a drawback to pasta-based accessories and making them far ahead of time, and that drawback is that as I was stringin' the macaronis on the string, I got to thinkin' about how a big bowla Mac'n'Cheese would sure hit the spot, and pretty soon, that was all's I could think of, and next thing I knew, I was cookin' up my whole stash of Christmas Macaroni Necklaces. 


But I'm a little kid, and like the macaroni necklaces themselves, I can get away with eating the presents I make for other people for a few more years.

I guess I'm gonna hafta figure out something with my footprint and fingerpaint instead.  I'll figure it out, Friends.  Don'tchyoo worry about me!  I love ya lots, Big People, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving!

Is that the smoke detector or the timer?  Is my pie baked?
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Thanksgiving to you!  Are ya watchin' the parade?  Is your turkey in the oven yet?  Or maybe you're fryin' your turkey this year.  Did you read all the instructions on how to fry your turkey?  The fire department would thank you for not starting a grease fire in your driveway today, Friends. 

You know, I was reading that there's this phenomenon that some people like to cook for big feasts.  It's called a "Turducken."  It's a chicken wrapped in a duck wrapped in a turkey. 

Personally, I don't have anything against sucha Frankenpoultry project as this, but I would have called it the "CluckDucKey" insteadda the "Turducken."

Because, yes.  Think about it, Friends?  "CluckDucKey" just sounds cuter than "Turducken."  Also, do you really wanna eat something that is spelled "Tee-You-Are-Dee?" right at the beginning of it like that?  Do you know what that spells?  I do, and I know I don't wanna hafta think about it at the beginning of my meal.  AmIRight?  And if you're writing about the Turducken, and you run out of room at the end of the line, and you have to hyphenate, it can just get all kinds of interesting in the wrong kind of way, Friends.

But, hey.  To each his or her own.  If you're havin' a Turducken for your Thanksgiving Dinner, party on.  As for me, I'm plannin' on loading the heck up on pumpkin pie and spray-whipped cream.  Huzzah!

And Happy Thanksgiving to you!  I love ya, Friends!  See ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thanksgiving Parades!

Everybody loves a parade!
Well, hiya, Friends!  It's the day before Thanksgiving, and I'd like to talk about another thing that's unique to the Thanksgiving holiday: Thanksgiving Day parades!

Now, I know that you can have parades on other days of the year besides Thanksgiving.  Why, there are lotsa big globs of parades at DisneyWorld every DAY, from what I've read.  And of course there are Halloween Parades, Mummer's Parades, Fourth of July parades, Flag Day Parades, Old Home Day Parades, Easter Parades, St. Paddy's Day Parades, Maple Festival Parades... you get the picture.  If there's an occasion, you can bet there's a parade for that. 

But those are Other Day parades.  Parades that happen on Thanksgiving Day are Thanksgiving Parades, and they can't happen on any other day of the year, really.

What I love about the Thanksgiving Day Parades that I've watched for my whole life is the big balloons.  Those are just the neatest.  Sometimes I see some characters I recognize.  Sometimes I see new characters I wanna get to know.  I love listening to the marching bands.  I love it when the camera pans over the crowds lining the streets, and they look so cold, and I'm all nicey warm in my house!  Ha! 

I also love how at the very end of the Thanksgiving Day Parade, my pal Santa Claus comes riding in, on his sleigh.  I love that jolly old soul!  And every year, I use my magical cellular telephone to ring up Santa Claus after the Thanksgiving Parade, to congratulate him on another excellent appearance and to wish him the best over his Busy Time of Year!

I can't wait to see the Thanksgiving Day Parade tomorrow, Friends, and I hope you'll watch it, too!  I love the dickens right outta ya, Big People!  See ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

The Jan Brady of Holidays

Well, technically, this IS kinda unique to Thanksgiving...
Hiya, Friends!  Hey.  I know it's the Twenty-Fifth of the Month, and I usually give you a countdown to how many more Month Twenty-Fifths there are until Christmas.  (There's one, BTDubs.  One, and it's this one, because next twenty-fifth will BE Christmas!) 

But I promised this week that I'd focus not on the Major December Holiday that I love and look forward to from New Year's Day onward every year, but on what makes Thanksgiving special.  I promised to talk about what's unique to Thanksgiving.

But it's the Twenty-Fifth of the Month.  And I ALWAYS think of Christmas on the Twenty-Fifth of the Month.  That presents me with a Conundrum today, Friends.

You know what, though.  This very thing is another thing that's pretty unique to Thanksgiving.  Why?  Well, because Thanksgiving is a really great holiday.  It really is- you get a feast.  You get to spend time with family.  There's a PARADE!  There's PIE, far as the eye can see!  Thanksgiving! ... But no matter how amazing Thanksgiving is, we're all kinda distracted, lookin' toward gettin' the Christmas decorations out and up.  Plannin' Christmas shoppin' trips.  Deciding what cookies are gonna be baked for Christmas.

There ya have it, Friends.  Today, my thing that's unique to Thanksgiving is that Thanksgiving is like the Jan Brady of the holidays.  You can kinda see all the holidays sittin' around their holiday table, and Thanksgiving has a conniption fit and just shouts "All I ever hear about is Christmas, Christmas, Christmas!" and then she throws a dinner roll and storms off.

I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Monday, November 24, 2014

Thanksgiving Week Extravaganza!

I love cranberry sauce!
Hiya, Friends!  Well, it's Monday the Twenty-Fourth, which means it's the Week of Thanksgiving, and this is also the final Monday in the Month of November.  Black Friday is THIS Friday, and a week from today is Cyber Monday.  In other words, things are about to get hard-core in the Christmas Preparation Department. (Psssst.... have I directed you to my Amazon Wishlist?  Just sayin'...)

Anyway, Christmas is about to take over our lives after Thursday, I'd like to spend a little time focusing on Thanksgiving in the next few days.  I'd like to talk about things that are really uniquely Thanksgiving.

Today, I'm thinking about cranberry sauce, which I s'pose can show up at any meal, any time of the year, but I think cranberry sauce and Thanksgiving are a winning pair, don't you?  And I'm not prejudice about which cranberry sauce I eat.  I like the cranberry sauce that's like jelly, and when ya dump it out of the can, it's still in the shape of the can.  I also like the more relish-y cranberry sauce that has all kindsa things to chew up in it.

If cranberry sauce showed up at, say, a Fourth of July picnic, I wouldn't be mad or anything.  But I'd put a whole big glob of it in my mouth and think of Thanksgiving.  That's what would happen. 

Friends, do you have anything that just says "Thanksgiving!" to you?  Maybe we can raise awareness of this wonderful but overlooked holiday that's sandwiched between Halloween and Christmas by focusing on the things that make Thanksgiving so special.  What do you think?

I think I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends.  I love ya lots.  Muah!

Sunday, November 23, 2014

My Week of Bad Advice

Next week will be better, Pints!
Friends, I hafta apologize to you.  In my post yesterday, I talked about line-dancing to "Achy Breaky Heart."  Ever since then, I have not been able to get that song out of my head.  I suspect it's been the same way for you, Friends.

I cannot tell you how deeply sorry I am for inflicting this kind of pain on you, Friends.  "Achy Breaky Heart" is an awful song, even though the dance is pretty fun.

Boyo boy.  I've been a complete disaster with the advice all week long.  I'd run my low-light reel, but honestly, the less I mention it, hopefully the faster we can all forget about my Week of Being a Bad Advice Dispenser.

Hopefully, hopefully that's how it works!

I think we all have times like this, Friends, where all our ideas are the opposite of golden.  I'm not gonna let it get me down.  Next week is bound to be better, Pints!

What's that? ... Why'd I just call ya Pints?  Well, because on Little House on the Prairie, Pa Ingalls usedta call Laura 'Half-Pint,' but she was a little kid, like me.  So if I called YOU Big People Half-Pint, it wouldn't make any sense.  So I figure you're regular Pints.  Some of you might even be Quarts or Gallons, but I'm not gonna go there, because I have already been Public Nuisance Number One this week.  Because of the Achy Breaky thing that I can't seem to stop mentioning.

Oh, Goodness.  I'm gonna go take a nap, Friends.  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Love ya lots!  Muah!

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Line Dancin'

This song is gonna be stuck in my head all day!
Hiya, Friends! 

Well, ya know, I've had a lifelong love of dance.  I like to do interpretive dance, ballet dance, jazz dance, freestyle dance, and aerobic dance... just to name a few.

But I've never tried line dancing!

So I suited myself up in my line outfit- chevron stripes and a pink tutu-skirt are a MUST!  and I put on my pink cowgirl boots, and decided to put on some line-dancin' music and just learn this thing!  The music I picked was 'Achy Breaky Heart.'

Friends, the dancing part was really fun!  I took along some of my Little Giraffe friends, and we were all quick studies, mastering the moves of the dance called the Achy Breaky.  The unfortunate thing was the Achy Breaky song itself.  It's an earworm of the First Order, and it's so, due to a two-pronged phenomenon:

First of all, once you hear the song, it's gonna be stuck in your head for a while.  You'll be lucky if you get rid of it overnight in your sleep.  More likely, your dreams will be set to the soundtrack of "Achy Breaky Heart."  You won't be able to get away from this song, even if you delete it from your iTunes Library.  Also, if you keep the Weird Al version, it's funny, but it's an earworm, nonetheless. 

The second prong of the Achy Breaky is this: when you hear that first rift, your feet start moving themselves through the steps.  You can't stop it.  You can't fight it.  You just hafta do the dance from start to finish, and listen to the song from start to finish, and maybe, just maybe your brain will move onto other things and forget about this earworm for a little bit.

I'm also deeply sorry if my post today spread Achy Breaky-itis.  I'm very sorry.  But you know what they say: misery loves company!

Love you lots, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, November 21, 2014

Golden Ideas

Not all my ideas can be golden, Friends!
Well, Friends, as it turns out, eatin' a whole buncha food in preparation for Thanksgiving isn't sucha great idea.  I won't go into the specific specifics on this matter, but there are some unpleasant side-effects of increasing your food intake.  I won't go into all of them, but I think you know what I mean.

One of the unpleasant side-effects I WILL talk to you about is that my pants were startin' to get kinda tight around the middle and bottom regions.  Not in the "Oh, how cute, I'm takin' a growin' spurt!!!" way.  No.  It's totally been in the "well, darn it, my pants don't fit!" way.

It's okay, though.  Bein' a Little Kid, I can burn off that extra butter I put on, and I can do it pretty fast.  I'm already noticing things are fitting better again.  But you Big People don't have the luxury of a revved-up Little Kid metabolism.

I didn't even think of that the other day when I suggested trainin' for Thanksgiving by eatin' more every day.  I didn't even think of that at all, Friends.  so don't do it.  Eat healthy amounts. 

You know, I have some really great ideas, Big People.  I do.  I have so many great ideas that I get to expectin' ALL my ideas to be great, but they can't all be. 

Here's my suggestion, just in case you DID start eatin' more food in preparation for Thanksgiving: switch to exercisin' more, to start reversing the process you've started for yourself.  Lessen the food, uppen the exercise.  Not only will you be able to fit in your pants by next Thursday, you'll also be in better shape for a game of my favorite game bollyhooba after dinner.  Or football, if that's the sport you like.

All right, Friends.  You know whatchya need to do!  I'll see ya tomorrow, and I'm sorry about all that bad advice I gave ya the other day.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Little Miss Rosy Outlook Brigade

Look on the bright side of life!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Thursday to you!

I'm wearin' a glittery pink crown on accounta I've been to a meeting of the Little Miss Rosy Outlook Brigade, and the crown's part of the uniform.  It's pretty hard to have a poor outlook on life when you're wearin' a glittery pink crown, don'tchya think, Friends?

The Little Miss Rosy Outlook Brigade, in case you're wondering, is a group a buncha my friends and I formed, to promote positivity in our immediate proximity as well as in the world at large.  We're striving to be the change we wanna see in the world, and we wanna see more fun and positive people in the world.  That's what we're all about. 

Some days, it's easier to maintain a rosy outlook than it is on other days.  Some situations can wilt even the rosiest disposition among the Little Miss Rosy Outlook Brigade.

For instance, we recently held elections for officers in the Little Miss Rosy Outlook Brigade.  Naturally, we all wanted to be President.  Then when we realized we couldn't all be President, we thought we'd have a Queen instead.  Boy, didn't THAT go over like a lead balloon.  So after things got all dark and stormy at the Little Miss Rosy Outlook Brigade meeting, what with all the flap over officers and Queens and such, we decided we'd all be equals.  We'd each do what we're best at.  Some of us are just natural tellers of what to do.  Some of us are excellent at making posters.  Some of us are better at making sure everybody around us is lifted the heck up. 

So, in the Little Miss Rosy Outlook Brigade, it's a really sunny atmosphere, because we're all working together for a common goal, but we're each doing things our own way.  It works for us, you know. 

Little by little, day by day, I know the Little Miss Rosy Outlook Brigade is gonna make the world a brighter place!  How about that?!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Thanksgiving Eating Training

I might eat so much I just pop, though.  That wouldn't be good.
Hiya, Friends!  How's your Wednesday going today? 

Well ya know, Thanksgiving is only eight days away now.  We've all got to do our part to get all preparated, you know?  I'm doing my part by practicing eating.  My plan for the days between now and Next Thursday is to eat just a little bit more at each meal. 

I mean, Thanksgiving isn't just another supper.  No.  If a regular supper is like a 5K, then Thanksgiving Dinner is like the Ironman Triathlon of Eating Events.  You can't just go into it untrained and unprepared, or you'll get hurt.  And if ya don't build up your stamina, you could find yourself getting through the eating portion of Thanksgiving, but then you end up fallin' asleep on the floor because you couldn't make it to the couch to fall asleep on because you ate too much. 

By rights, I probably shoulda started my Thanksgiving Eating Training a coupla months ago.  Now that we've arrived at Crunch Time, I realize I overestimated my abilities while underestimating Thanksgiving Dinner. 

Things next Thursday could get pretty interesting in my vicinity, Friends.  They just could.

Well!  My alarm says it's time for me to eat some more.  Friends, I'll be seein' ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I'm Like UniKitty!

I don't like followin' instructions, either, UniKitty!
Friends, have you ever seen The LEGO Movie?  In that movie, there's a really, really cool MasterBuilder named UniKitty, who's part kitty and part unicorn. 

Besides being really cool and pink and sparkly, which is something I can really respect, the sparkly pinkness, UniKitty dislikes directions and instructions and flouts them.  UniKitty built a beautiful, rainbowey, sparkly world where there ARE no rules, and to me, it looked like a blocky, sparkly utopia!

Until the bad guys from President Business's tower came and blew up UniKitty's beautiful, utopian, anything-goes world!

I think of all the characters in the LEGO Movie, I really relate to UniKitty.  I like to be happy and positive and not to follow the instructions for anything (I can- I just don't like it!).  I like sparkliness!

You know who I didn't like in that movie?  The Micro-Managers.  Those guys stink. They do EVERYTHING President Business tells 'em to do.  And they aren't even pink and sparkly.  I cannot respect somebody like that.

So Friends, I know there's times when I hafta follow instructions, but I wanna do it in as pink and sparkly a manner as possible.  Right, Friends?  Hey.  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Monday, November 17, 2014

It's Cheese O'Clock Somewhere!

I'm pretty much a cheese connoisseur!
Hiya, Friends!  You may or may not know this about me, but I love cheese. 

My favorite cheese is Extra Sharp Cheddar by Helluva Good.  Part of me likes it because when I ask for it, I feel like I'm getting away with saying something I shouldn't, but most of me likes it because it's just delicious.

Sometimes, people try to pass off Monterey Jack cheese onto me.  That cheese is okay, if I won't get any cheese if I turn it down, but mostly, I find the flavor of Monterey Jack kinda extremely mild (bland) and the texture kinda blobby.  I like the bite Helluva Good Extra Sharp Cheddar has.

Now, I guess it's quite unusual, but not for me, on accounta it's my life, but I love bleu cheese.  I understand Little Kids generally don't like bleu cheese.  I don't understand why.  I think it's delicious!  It's nice and tangy, and colorful!  I love to dip celery and carrots in bleu cheese!

I also like cottage cheese, sure.  It isn't really all that glamorous, but it pairs nicely with a variety of foods like fruit.  Sometimes, it's more important to be a team player than it is to be a standout, and I think cottage cheese really gets that, Friends.  In a similar vein, I like ricotta cheese as well, because you can whip ricotta cheese and it can be like butter, or like dessert, or just a delightful whippiness.

String cheese makes me happy because it's so portable, and I can eat it by stringing off pieces of it, or I can just bite the stick of cheese.  You just can't get better than eatin' cheese that's in the shape of a stick!  And I was startled to learn that string cheese is usually the same kind of cheese they put on pizza, except pizza cheese is usually shredded, unless they're usin' the mozzarella squares on accounta them bein' a highfalutin pizza making establishment.  But I've gotta admire that kind of versatility.  Also, my best pal Rozzie likes string cheese... she likes most other kindsa cheeses, too, but you oughtta see her go crazy for string cheese!

Well, you know, I could really take or leave cream cheese.  I don't really have anything against it, but you kinda hafta have cream cheese on something else, or as part of something else, like cheesecake.  There's nothing wrong with that, but I like to just have cheese.  I just haven't gotten into cream cheese yet.

I don't know a little kid anywhere who doesn't like Kraft Singles. 

So I don't care what people might tell ya, Friends.  There's no politically-correct time to eat cheese.  It's cheese o'clock somewhere in the world, and there's a cheese to meet all your snacking needs, no matter the time of day!

I love ya lots, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Wellness with Wellington!

Well, well, well, if it isn't Wellington being well and helping with wellness!
Hiya, Friends!  Remember my pal Wellington, the Little Giraffe from the Wild Steppes of Wexford? Well, here he is, in the picture with me.

My friend Wellington really has made a remarkable change in his life, Big People. 

You see, Wellington and a buncha Little Giraffes from the Wild Steppes of Wexford used to be addicted to the Sonic across Route 19.  Tater Tots, milkshakes, you name it.  Those Little Giraffes were visiting Sonic two and three times a day. 

And they were becoming not-so-little Little Giraffes, Friends. 

You know how it is.  Take a breath at Sonic, and it'll setchya back a thousand calories, so of COURSE if you're eatin' the food, it's gonna catch up with ya.

It's a common misconception that giraffes can just put the extra weight in their long necks.  They can't.

So I helped Wellington help his Little Giraffe neighbors find healthier places to eat.  They cut back their Sonic to just a sometimes treat kind of place.  They started eatin' lotsa greens and vegetables.  All the healthiness really inspired Wellington to do something to keep the Little Giraffes on sucha healthy path, so he decided to start "Wellness with Wellington," a megaplex where Little Giraffes can get healthy meals, exercise classes, yoga classes... you know, everything Little Giraffes need to stay on the Road to Wellness.

I'm really proud of my friend Wellington!  And insteadda goin' to get milkshakes at the Sonic to celebrate his success, we went for a nicey long walk and had a fruit salad after!  How about that?!

Friends, be well like Wellington.  I'll see ya tomorrow, mmmkay?  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Saturday, November 15, 2014

With A Little Help From My Friends!

Sometimes, all ya really need is a nice talk with a good friend!
Hiya, Friends!  Well, as you know, I've been wound up tighter than the spring on an eight-day clock all week, on accounta situations at my work situation. 

When I feel like I'm about ready to go over the brink, what makes me feel a lot better about things is a nice talk with a good friend.  Quite often, that good friend is my best pal Rozzie, or my friend Sabretooth, but this week, with everything at work that's been going on, it was my friend BuddyCat who provided me the wise words to put me back on the right track.

That's the great thing about Friends, Big People.  My friends are all different.  They each see the world in such different ways from the way I see the world.  When I get stuck and my wheels spin, because I keep trying things from the only way I know how, one of my friends steps in and helps me see things differently.  They give me the little push I need to get my wheels spinnin' in the right direction again... which is to say, it stops my wheels from spinning and gets them to rolling.  And that's so helpful when ya feel like you're overreved and not getting anywhere.

If your situation at your work situation has you going crazy, Friends, I hope you have somebody like my friend Buddy Cat or Rozzie or Sabretooth to talk to, so you can stop spinnin' and get back to rollin' again.  How about it?!

I love ya lots, Big People!  Muah!

Friday, November 14, 2014

Rage Against the Copy Machine

Then to add insult to injury, the Konica jammed up on me!
I'll tell ya what, Friends: I'm havin' a heck of a time at the office.  If it isn't meetings and all sortsa Red Tape, it's the darn equipment becoming self-aware apparently and gummin' up the works.

For instance, our mainframe TPS Reporting Hub went down again, which it seems to do periodically, which is why now that we've gone to Paperless TPS Reports, we still hafta fill 'em out in triplicate paper first, and then input them into the computer, and after we do that, and we get our Top Copy back from Central Data, down on the Lower Level, we hafta go to the copy machines and assemble all our Top Copies into Master TPS Reports for the Board, so we hafta make nine copies each of our Top Copies, collate, staple, and distribute them in the Cubbies upstairs on the second floor.  Then our original Top Copies are kept in a fireproof filing cabinet in Central Data, but they're separate from the Middle Copy and the Bottom Copies. 

Whatever happens to those copies, it's above my paygrade, and I just don't wanna know.

So of course, at Master TPS Report Compiling Time, there's a rush on our all-Konica fleet of copy machines.  Those Konicas are divas, too.  They know we need 'em to be on toppa their game... well, always, but especially at Master TPS Report Compiling Time.  And what do you think the Konicas do?  They jam up, break down, run outta toner, randomly make double-sided copies, except the other side of the copy is quarter-turned to the left or right so it just looks weird and isn't useful at all... and my personal favorite- they'll go off the Network, but only a handful of functions.  Not all of 'em.

Friends, I'm starting to think I've had Enough of my job.  I think it's finally driven me crazy.  I think it's time for me to just rage against the copy machine.

But I WOULD miss my friends in my department.  I really would, Big People.  We've managed to make the best of our circumstances, and we even manage to have a little fun, every day.  I'd miss that.  But I wouldn't miss those Konicas.  Not at all.

Hey.  I'll see ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots.  Thank goodness it's Friday, eh?  Muah!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Req It Ralph

So much paperwork!  So many trainings!
Hiya, Friends.  Well, as I expressed in yesterday's weblog post, I've been in meeting after meeting after meeting at work this week.  You may or may not have picked up on my frustration at this. 

If you didn't pick up on my frustration, I have failed in my quest to be an effective weblogger of the Toddler Experience, Big People. 

My most recent meeting I've had to go to was a three hour meeting that was advertised as a "short fifteen minute" meeting to train us all (once AGAIN) on how to fill out Reqs. 

A Req (pronounced "wreck," appropriately enough) is short for "Formal Request Form" and if we want anything, from paper clips to staples to pens to write with to pads to write on to more markers for the white boards, we hafta fill out the Req and wait for approval from Above.

Well, They want ya to have the Req filled out just so.  In triplicate.  And the triplicate Req is three pages long.  So if you want paper clips and some markers, you hafta fill out a three-page Req for each thing.  You can't bundle 'em onto one Req.  If you do, They'll send your form back and deny your request.  If you don't fill in a bubble completely, they'll send your form back and deny your request.  If you just write down that your department needs paperclips, but you don't use the code for paperclips, and you fail to fill in the bubble (completely or otherwise) that corresponds to the level of necessity and urgency the thing you're requesting on the Req, They'll reject your form and deny your request. 

Don't you wish you worked here?

Thingofitis, it isn't like they run those Reqs through a touchy scanning machine where I suppose stray marks can throw everything off, or a transposed code could change what you're writing out a Req for.  People look over those forms and deny or approve them.  There's no scanning machine involved.  So say you write down that you need paper clips, so you put "PAPERCLIPS, ONE-INCH" in the appropriate box, and you code them 02010-C7 and fill out those bubbles that go along with the code.  Your Req will be denied.  Why?  Because the words say "PAPERCLIPS, ONE-INCH", but the code you wrote down and bubbled in is for a heavy-duty fork-truck.  The code for one-inch paperclips is 02101-C7.  If I worked in a department where there was some ambiguity as to whether I was requesting one-inch paperclips or a heavy-duty fork-truck, I could understand the confusion in the Req department.  The fellas down in shipping sometimes need a boxa paperclips and wind up with another fork-truck, in fact (which, I wonder how that happens...).  But in my department, never, ever have we ever used a fork truck.  Notta one of us.  And besides, like I said, they're PEOPLE who look at the Req form.  There are no machines to wonder whether you meant Forktruck, but coded for the paperclips, or vicey-versa.  If you took the time to write down "PAPERCLIPS, ONE-INCH," if you were a thinking human being, wouldn't you think that regardless of what the stupid bubbly code says, you want a boxa darn paperclips?

Wouldn't you think that, Friends?

So, you know what I did?  I Req'd a code for the following:

"A functional self-destruct button for the Formal Request Form Department."
"A code for the functional self-destruct button in the Formal Request Form Department to execute upon receipt of said code."
"A code for the Formal Request Form Department to be replaced by a Donut Dude stand."

I filled every form out in triplicate, and made sure each code request was coded properly.  And those human automatons actually gave me the three codes I asked for.  I distributed these codes among my coworkers in my immediate department, as well as throughout the whole of the company, and we all filled out our Reqs in triplicate, and submitted them.

As it turns out, the code for a functional self-destruct button execution was redundant, because they didn't know what to do with so many submissions for a functional self-destruct button for the department, especially not all at once, and as it turns out, the Department just kinda imploded right there and then! 

Donut Dude opens his stand in my office building next week!

And I think we've filled out the last of our Reqs for now!

Friends, be the change you wanna see in the world!  Fight the power!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Take This Job and Love It!

Why...can't we be talking about this through email?
Hiya, Big People!  How's your week going?  I've had a lot of meetings at my place of employment.  I guess it's okay, but I feel like a lot of my productive time gets wasted because I'm either going to or coming from a meeting.  People get off-topic in meetings sometimes.

Don't get me wrong.   A lot of good ideas can be generated in a meeting, with all that face-to-face time and energy!  Why, one time Sabretooth and I decided we oughtta have donuts in the conference room at least once a week, and that came about during a sidebar conversation he and I were having during a meeting about which way the toilet paper rolls oughtta be installed in the company bathrooms.

But the meetings this week have generated no such serendipitous and wonderful ideas.   They've pretty much been toilets down which we've just flushed our time.  Meetings training us on things we already know how to do (filling out TPS Reports).  Meetings training us on things that are so intuitive, we really hadn't ought to need formal instructions (the new hand dryers in the company bathrooms).  Meetings training us on things for which we have a whole MANUAL on how to do, that is actually informative and easy to read and contains informational information and clear, useful graphics... if only people would READ the manual...

So we've been slogged with a buncha meetings that keep us from doing our actual work, which we then hafta stay after and ketchup on, or take home and ketchup on.

I'd say a lot of this stuff that the Powers that Be think we need to have meetings for could be done through emails, and I suggested that, but you know what happened?  They called a meeting to train us on proper procedures to use when we conduct meetings through email, right down to the things we're allowed to type and what we aren't.

Friends, I don't know about you, but this kid's just about ready to tell Corporate America to take my job and... um.... love it.  Take this job and love it, is what I was going to say, because that is on the approved list of things I'm allowed to say about my job.

Dang it.  Friends, I've gotta go.  Apparently something I just did triggered the need for me to meet and be trained on proper workaday attitude.  I'll see ya tomorrow.  Here's hoping for a less bureaucratic and pedantic tomorrow!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Veterans Day

Have a good Veterans Day, Veterans!
Hiya, Big People.  Hey.  Today's Veterans Day.

You know, Friends, it's no small deal, all the things that veterans have done for us.

It's true.  We take things for granted, because they're just what we get to do, but they're really a big deal.  Not everybody in the world can do these things, but we can, because our veterans have fought for us and some are still fighting.

You know.  We can be outside and expect to be safe.  We can expect to have enough food and clean water and not hafta depend on a warlord to dole out food and water to us.  We can pick whatever we wanna be when we grow up.  We can expect to be allowed to grow up.  If somebody wants to throw us in prison, they'd better have a good reason.  Boys and girls can expect to be able to go to school.

All the good things that we have that we take for granted sometimes, we have because of the brave men and women who leave their own families and their own safety and go to dangerous parts of the world to keep fighting for our freedom. 

Today, I wanna say "Thank You" to all the Veterans I know, and all the Veterans I don't know, and I hope you'll join me, Friends. 

Veterans, on this Veterans Day and Every Day, please accept my heartfelt Thank You.  Big Zoe hugs to you! 

I'll see ya tomorrow!

Monday, November 10, 2014

Trying Threes

They don't call 'em the 'Trying Threes' for nothin'!
Hiya, Big People! 

You know, as part of my job as a Little Kid Ambassador to the World of the Big People, it's my responsibility not only to make a good impression on Big People on behalf of my people, the Little Kids, but I also hafta listen to where you Big People are coming from and help you understand why us Little Kids act the way we do in certain situations. 

In short, I need to strive to ensure that Big People and Little Kids understand each other. 

So today, I'd like to discuss with you the Trying Threes, which are a sequel to the Terrible Twos.  As you may know, I am a couple months in to the Trying Threes myself.  So I think if you have anyone to tell you about this phase of life from a vantage point of One Who's There, I'm as good as anyone you're going to find, Friends.  I'll give it to ya straight.

Now, I understand that the Threes are trying for you Big People to experience.  To you, it looks like us three-year-olds just flip out over nothing at all.  We fly into a tearful rage if we don't get to hold onto the receipt from the gas station.  We burst into histrionics if we drop a crayon in the restaurant.  And if we get sick of riding in the car, we kick and kick and kick the backka your seat.  I understand that those behaviors are bewildering and infuriating to a Big Person.

But lemme letchya in on a little secret, Friends: it's no picnic for us Little Kids, either. 

Imagine things from our perspective, Big People.  When you're three, you can do a buncha things yourself- for instance, this three year-old can write on chalkboards and marker-boards, can draw and paint, I can string beads.  I can speak clearly and follow multi-step instructions.  I can tell ya when I'm hungry, and I know what I like to eat, and what I don't like to eat.  But.  I'm not tall enough to reach the sink.  I can't work the water faucet myself.  I'm too short.  I'm not old enough to use the stove or microwave oven myself.  I'm too little to ride in the front seat on road trips.  That's frusterating.

And Little Kids like me flip out when we don't get to hold the receipt from the gas station, or if you let us hold the receipt and we lose it, because to us, things like receipts are artifacts from the glorious and wondrous World of the Big People.  They're just mundane scraps to you Big People, but to us Little Kids, they're treasures.  They represent getting to hold onto something from your world.  When we don't get to hold onto them, or we lose them, we cry, because they're our treasures.

And sometimes we cry, just because we don't know what else to do, Big People.  Babies cry over everything.  I remember when I was a baby, I cried when I was hungry, when I was mad, when I was tired, when I was over-tired, when I was wet, when I didn't wanna go to sleep, when I was too warm, when I was too cold, when I was wearing socks I didn't like (and I hated ALL socks, Friends!)... you get the picture, Friends.  Well, Little Kids cry a lot, too, because even though we have words to use, we sometimes forget how, in the heat of the moment, and those words melt in our minds and come out like lava when we cry.  That's all there is to it, Friends.

I know some Big People who have the same thing happen to 'em, Friends.  And when it does happen to Big People, they appreciate some patience.  That's all we Little Kids ask for in those situations, too, Friends.

It's trying for all of us to be Three, Friends.  The Threes are definitely a trying time.  You bet.  You can also bet that I love the heck right outta ya.  And I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends!  Muah!

Sunday, November 9, 2014

I Am A Little Kid Ambassador in a Big People World!

I hafta remember who I represent!
Hiya, Big People!

Well, you know, people often comment on what a good little girl I am when I'm out in public, among the Big People, and I really try to be, but it isn't just so that I get to go out in public again. 

No.  You see, I am a Little Kid Ambassador.  That means that when I'm out and about, I represent my People: the Little Kids.  I'm here to show Little Kids and Big People alike that we can all coexist in shopping and eating establishments peacefully.

Sometimes, it's easier than others.  Sometimes, other Little Kids kinda get the Big People all stirred up by yellin' and screamin' and throwin' stuff around.  Boyo boy, Friends.  It sure makes my job harder, when I walk into a place and another Little Kid is already warmin' up the Big People crowd to be nice-n-frosty and all side-eye-y to us Little Kids. 

I understand that sometimes, as a Little Kid, you feel that your only way to let out what you're feeling is to have a good spazz, but it's unfortunate when it happens when you're Out-n-About with your Big People.  You know what I mean?

I've had a couple instances of spazzing out in public, myself.  Even Homer nodded, after all.  Even your pal Zoe has her moments.

But I try to keep 'em few and far between.  I do.  Because I hafta remember who I represent when I'm in the Land of the Big People.  I'm tryin' to show you Big People that Little Kids are pretty awesome people, too, and we can behave ourselves most of the time.  We really can. 

That's how I see my job as a Little Kid Ambassador to the Land of the Big People, Big People.  It's very important to me that our tribes can get along together.  You know, like you and I get along together, Friends!

Hey, I'll be seein' ya tomorrow, Friends.  I love ya a lot, even if you're spazzing out or if I'm spazzing out.  Muah!

Saturday, November 8, 2014

National Ample Time Day

Take some ample time today to help me come up with something fun to celebrate!
Hiya, Big People!  You know, in my continuing efforts to find fun things for us to celebrate, I've been combing the World Wide Web for obscure and little-known holidays for us to raise awareness of.  What obscure gem of a holiday did I uncover today?

"National Ample Time Day."  This holiday is designed to "recognize the importance of time management, making Ample Time in one's life for priorities to make the most of each day and live a completely fulfilling life."

I'm not sure we're ready for such a wild time, Friends.  I'm not sure we can handle a celebration for National Ample Time Day.  Especially with such a rousing description, found on the National Ample Time Day's website. 

You know, I wish I were making these things up, Friends.  I wish I were just pulling these boring and crazy holidays out of my ears.  But I'm not.  It makes me wonder how things become a "National" whatever day.  Do the members of Congress sit around and vote on this stuff?  Do they debate the merits of a National Ample Time Day?  How much of their ample time does this sort of thing take up, Big People?  Do you know?  I won't get to take Problems of Democracy until my senior year of high school, but if our lawmakers are spending precious time on this sort of thing, I'd say that's a big Problem of Democracy!  Why aren't you Big People getting all up in arms over this?  There are actual issues that MATTER that the lawmakers are not taking care of, if they're spending time giving the go-ahead for calling things like National Ample Time Day a "National" thing.  That they're agreeing on things such as this when there are huge, IMPORTANT things that partisanship is preventing from having any progress made on is kind of like when you've got to move house, and you've got huge boxes and boxes that you need to pack up and get ready for the moving truck to come, but you're sitting in front of the television, catching up on your DVR'd Days of Our Lives episodes while you alphabetize your 50 States Quarter collection.  Does deleting those DoOL eps and alphabetizing those state quarters get a lick of the big picture's work done?  NO!  But does it make you feel like you were busy all day while you were running down the clock until moving?  Yes.  And that's exactly what I think Congress does when they pass laws to make things like National Ample Time Day.

Darn it, Friends!  Now I've gone and gotten all mad.  I'm gonna go.  I'm gonna go do some yoga with my Little Giraffe Friends.  I love ya, Big People.  Muah!

Friday, November 7, 2014

Wrapping Up National Fig Week!

Nothing like finding out about a holiday week pretty much after the fact!
Hiya, Big People!  Remember how just yesterday, I was kinda melancholy about not having anything to celebrate? 

Guess what I found out.  This whole, entire week has been National Fig Week.  That's right.  A whole, entire, national week, where we as a nation recognize and celebrate figs and the end of the California fig harvest.

The aim of National Fig Week is to encourage consumers to use figs in their diets for their taste, fiber, and nutritional value.  Those are the words on the website.  Pretty much the very words.

Now, I don't know about you, but I think that description makes National Fig Week sound about as dry as a Fig Newton left out on a plate in a woodstove-heated room for a weeker two.  Kind of like when somebody's tryin' to get you to come to a party or event or reunion that occurs every year, and their most convincing convincer for you to do so is: "Well, the handful of people who filled out their survey at the end of the reunion last year said they wouldn't mind attending again this year, so long as it doesn't rain, and there's nothing better going on at the appointed time slot for this event in the future."

Sign me the heck right up!

So I guess I'm not surprised that National Fig Week isn't a bigger deal, and I'm also not terribly surprised that I'm not all torn up over not finding out about it until today.  I'll get by, somehow, Friends, and so will you.  If you need some extra fiber in your life, you might wanna consider eating a fig or two.  Or find another tasty, high-fiber food.  Either way, I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Well, It's Thursday!

We oughtta come up with some kind of thing to celebrate today!
Hiya, Big People! 

Goodness, today's kind of a pffffft kinda day, considering Tuesday was Election Day, and yesterday, we celebrated the sixtieth anniversary of the invention of the Flux Capacitor. 

I don't even know how a person is supposed to follow a day like that.  I suppose if we had hover-boards like in Back to the Future 2, we could celebrate today by riding our hover-boards around.  But we don't have hover-boards.

I suppose another suitable way for us to celebrate the day after the anniversary of Doc Brown's wonderful invention would be to hop in our Mr. Fusion-powered Delorean Time Machines and go visit the Doc himself, to congratulate him on his world-changing invention.

Thingofitizzzzz, Mr. Fusion-powered Delorean Time Machines aren't parked in anyone's driveways.  We don't even have Mr. Fusion-powered Corolla Time Machines.  Why IS that? 

I'll tell ya why.  Doc Brown went back in time to the Wild West, and has been ridin' around for the last thirty years in a time-machine inside of a steam locomotive with stained glass windows.  He never bothered to file for a patent, and nobody else knows how to make a Flux Capacitor.  Also, they stopped making Deloreans, and it was proven that the stainless steel skin on the Delorean was the best for traveling through time.  Something about just the right amount of conductivity, and surface charge and whatnot.

Anyway.  It's Thursday, November 6th.  Isn't there a zany food holiday we could celebrate today?  I feel bereft of something to celebrate. 

You know what, though, Friends?  I love the heck right outta ya!  Muah!

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Happy Flux Capacitor Day!

I'm gonna try inventin' a Mixer Time Machine!
Friends, as you know, today is November Fifth, Two-Thousand Fourteen. 

What's so special about today?  Well, it's the fifty-ninth anniversary of when Doctor Emmett Brown was hanging a clock in his bathroom and was standing up on the toilet in order to reach.  The porcelain was wet, he slipped, and hit his head, and when he came to, he had the idea for the FLUX CAPACITOR!!! 

Well, of COURSE you remember what the Flux Capacitor is!  It's the thing he put in the Delorean in 1985 to make his time machine!  It was a revolutionary idea! 

This is also the date to which Doctor Emmett Brown's friend Marty McFly traveled the night they were attacked by Libyan terrorists at Twin Pines Mall, later or earlier known as Lone Pine Mall. 

You remember about the Pines, don't you, Friends?  Old Man Peabody had that crazy idea about breeding pine trees?  That Old Man Peabody sure was crazy.  But I betchya he made a BUNDLE when he sold his land to the developer who built the mall!

Friends, you celebrate Flux Capacitor Day however you like.  I'm gonna do by inventin' a time machine inside a mixer.  I'm not sure what it's gonna do, but if it just makes sure I can go back in time far enough to enjoy a cake that I'd previously or subsequently eaten, well, that's good enough for me!

See ya tomorrow, Friends!  I love the heck right outta ya!  Muah!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Big People! Go Vote!

Big People, go vote.
Hiya, Friends!  Well, would you believe that it's Election Day already again?  Have you gone out and voted?

You know, in my Little Big Board Book of History, I read that back in the 1990s, MTV had a campaign called "Rock the Vote."  I had to do some serious research to figure out what MTV had to do with anything "Rock" or voting, because now I think of MTV as "The Reality Show Channel."

But the whole "Rock the Vote" thing back in the 1990s was MTV, which was actually a MUSIC station back then, and their whole campaign to get young people involved in the democratic process.  They wanted the young people to go vote!

Now, I did some math, and I realized that those young people in the 1990s are now the Old Enough To Know Better people of today.  Those people are like my parents' age!  Sheesh!

But all you Big People oughtta know that today, you should go and vote if you're allowed.  I would LOVE to vote and get to have a say in things, but I hafta wait fifteen more years.  That's a lot of time.

So Big People, Friends, please think of us Little Kids today and go vote.  It makes a difference.  I'll be seein' ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots.  I really do!  NOW GO VOTE!!!

Monday, November 3, 2014

Campaign to Put Up the Christmas Tree

Well, in Canada, the hotels are decorating for Christmas RIGHT NOW!
Well, Friends, the Halloween Hullabaloo is all over, and as much as I love Halloween and its hullabaloo, now that it's all over, I feel kinda sad and let-down.  I'm ready for the next holiday.

Now, Mommy and Daddy flipped out all over me for even suggesting this, but I thought we could go ahead and get the Christmas tree out of the attic, and get it decorated up.  I thought we could get some Christmas lights for outside our house, and get them strung up.

Like I said, though, that suggestion caused Mommy and Daddy to be apoplectic with lividness.

They said we have to wait until the Day After Thanksgiving to get the Christmas tree out of the attic.

I didn't think my suggestion was so out of line, because it's warmer now that it'll probly be on the Day After Thanksgiving.  Wouldn't you think Mommy and Daddy would wanna get crackalackin' on outside decorations while it's warmer, instead of when it gets cold?

Well, I would think so, too.

Plus, I got to lookin' online, and I see that some of the big hotels up in Niagara Falls in Canada are already puttin' up their Christmas decorations, on accounta they've already had their Thanksgiving Day and they don't have to worry about damaging that holiday's sensibilities by fast-forwarding to Christmas.  They can just get a head-start on their Christmas finery!

Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't dislike Thanksgiving, but as far as Thanksgiving decorations go, there just isn't much going on.  Not when you're comparing them to the wonderfully spooky decorations of Halloween, or the festive decorations of Christmas.  Maybe if the turkeys could come out with some sparkly tailfeather-themed decorations, or neon cornucopias, I'd get more excited about Thanksgiving decorations!

Well, Friends, I'll see ya tomorrow.  I'm gonna go see if I can't pull at least one of the Christmas trees down outta the attic! 

I love ya lots, Friends!  Muah!

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Lessons Learned from Hockey!

Dress like a goalie; fight like an enforcer!
Hiya, Big People! 

Today, I want to talk to you about lessons I've learned from hockey.  Because if you know me, you know that I really love hockey.  I've been watchin' it ever since I was a brand-new baby.  I find Sabres Announcer Rick Jeanneret's voice to be nearly as soothing as that of my parents.

My first word I ever uttered was "hockey!"  Or, "hah-key!" as I used to say it back then!

And in all this time, I've learned that you can learn a lot of things from the great sport of hockey.  That's what I'd like to share with you today!

The first lesson I've learned from watching hockey is that there are two-minute penalties and four-minute penalties.  If you're tryin' to draw a penalty and make your opponent go sit in the penalty box, a two-minute minor is good, but for the price of just a little of your blood, you can draw a major, ensuring that your pesky opponent will be chillin' his or her skates in the penalty box for a good four minutes.  Unless you get a goal.  What's that? ... Oh, relax, Big People.  It isn't even like there has to be a LOT of blood in order for the ref to call a four-minute penalty.  Just a drop or two, really. 

How this translates to the real world is that sometimes, in order to get what you really want, you're gonna hafta invest some of your blood and sweat into it.  You're gonna have to make a short-term sacrifice for a long-term payoff.  Power-plays don't just HAPPEN.  You've gotta earn 'em, and then when you get one, you can't squander it.  You put in the investment, so you WORK for that advantage you get for two or four minutes.  Don't quit now!

The next lesson I've learned while watching hockey is that you never know when the camera is gonna train itself on you, whether it's the Jumbotron camera right the heck at the arena, or whether it's the TV camera, panning over the crowd while the game either goes to or comes back from a TV time-out.  They catch people in all kinds of unflattering looks on their faces, Big People.  And it's super-funny to us watching at home, but IMAGINE being the person who comes home and watches the game they taped because they were there in person, and they see that they made it onto TV, but they were chewin' on a big pretzel, or maybe they had a look of constipation on their face, or maybe they got caught looking grumpy, and the commentators commentated on it.  That would be so mortifying.

This relates to the real world because yes.  It's best to remember that although you bought a ticket and you have the RIGHT to act or look or chew however you want, you probably shouldn't act in such a manner that will embarrass you if you end up on the big screen or on thousands of little screens or if you go viral on the YouTube.  I mean, unless you're seeking fifteen minutes of fame and planning on earning those fifteen minutes by sacrificing your dignity on the altar of celebrity, it's probably best not to act, dress, speak, look, or chew in such a way that other people will find so interesting that they feel the need to capture it on camera and commentate on it and upload it into the ether.  Because while it might be fun for the fifteen minutes, sooner or later, you're gonna get embarrassed.  So, just assume there's cameras everywhere, and be pleasant and not weird.  That's not bein' judgy.  No, the heck it is not!  That's bein' smart and practical.

The last lesson I would like to talk to you about is my favorite: "Dress like a goalie, fight like an enforcer."  Goalies get to wear the coolest masks on the ice... well, the only masks on the ice.  They get to decide how their headgear is decorated.  Everybody else wears the same kind of helmet.  Goalies wear all kinds of pads, to protect them from all the pucks that fly at them.  Goalies are the ultimate defenders.  In the same token, an enforcer is an ultimate defender, too, but different from a goalie.  In today's kinder, gentler NHL, enforcers are a dying breed.  But they're the fellas out there on the ice enforcing.  Somebody from the other side gets too close to your goalie in the crease?  Send your enforcer after him.  Somebody hits your star center without good reason?  Send in your third line, with your enforcer on it, and run the other team.  Not now, but there was a glorious day when you could get away with that as a coach. 

But the point of "Dress like a goalie, fight like an enforcer" is this, for real-world application: If you believe in something, be fierce.  Be willing to fight for it (not necessarily for-real fighting- in the real world, you just can't do that, and I'm glad!). Don't be afraid of the other guy and don't back down.  That's the enforcer part.  Dress like a goalie... protect yourself.  Be prepared for things to come flying at you.  Do what you have to do.  Armor yourself up, either with actual pads, or pretty much with what I mean- cultivate a thick skin, so pucks and barbs will bounce right off you.

Hockey's full of life lessons, Friends.  That's why I love my goalie gear so much.  That, and it protects me from the errant windowsill I could run my face into while having a spazz-fit at Aunt Colleen's house, but that's a story for another day.  Maybe.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Happy Halloween To Me!

Workin' on Halloween.  Boyo Boy.
Hiya, Big People!  Well, don'tcha know, I ended up gettin' called in to St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital on Halloween.  I had to assist Dr. Snoopy on an emergency Spirit Lift.  At first, this really bummed me the heck right out, but when I got to thinkin' about it, I think doin' a Spirit Lift is exactly the thing a kid like me ought to get to do on Halloween, which is the most spirited of holidays, after all.

Except, maybe for New Year's Eve, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, after Dr. Snoopy and I performed the emergency Spirit Lift, I went on some rounds of my other patients at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital, to check on them and see how they're doing.  They were a little disappointed that I came to check in on them while I was wearin' my scrubs; they wanted me to dress up for them.  So I ended up taking my own advice and tellin' my patients that I WAS dressed up for Halloween- I was Don Quixote; couldn't they see my armor?  I sure could!

Well, the people who got the joke really got it, and I enjoyed laughing with them.  My patients who didn't understand the joke, I understood.  It's kind of an obscure cultural reference these days.

I'm really glad that I stuck around after the Spirit Lift, because just as I was thinkin' about leaving to go to a Halloween party with some of the other residents, a guy came into the Emergency Room in a really terrible, horrible, awful, no-good mood.  Kept saying something about how he was gonna move to Australia.  Anyways, we admitted this fella, and we did a Badmood-ectomy.  It was really successful, I'm happy to say.

So while I didn't get to celebrate Halloween by wearin' a princess costume, I did get to celebrate Halloween just the way I like to- by liftin' spirits and surgically removing bad moods!  And that's what it's all about, isn't it, Friends?

So.  Happy First of November, Big People!  I love the daylights right out of ya, and I'll see ya tomorrow.  Muah!