Callin' In Toddler

I'm takin' a walk today, because I shoulda called in Toddler.

Hiya, Friends!  You know, my people have a reputation for being Difficult.  You know what I'm talking about.  You know it.  Some people have "Senior Moments" when they forget where their keys are, but my people get "Toddler Moments" when we flip out.

According to you Big People, we Toddlers just flip the heck right out whenever we want, without regard to reason.  You think we're as mercurial as the weather in Minnesota in March.  Thing of it is, that isn't the way it works at all, Bucko.  I mean Friends.  I totally mean Friends and not Bucko.  I just get a little wound up when we get on the topic of "Toddler Moments."

We Toddlers just see the world a little differently than you do, Big People.  If we're in a store, and to you, it looks like we just burst into the waterworks, maybe we picked up on a vibe from you we didn't like, or somebody had a mean snoot on their face, and we took it personally.  Could be that we didn't sleep well last night, or we're battling a rumbly tummy.  You never know.  But being tired or hungry makes even you Big People angry.  It's true!  So imagine being a Toddler, without the years of experience at Rising Above that Big People have.  Or maybe there's a box of Cheerios in the cart that doesn't have the little honeybee on it, even though you've told your Mommy repeatedly not to get you the pasty plain Cheerios and to get the Honey Nut Cheerios.  It's so frustrating when Big People don't listen!!!

Sorry.  Sorry.  I brought a battle from home in today to my blogging.  That was unprofessional of me, and I'm sorry.  But I think it illustrates my point very elegantly.  Things that seem like nothing to you Big People are REALLY BIG ISSUES to my people.  It's just how it is. 

Do we sometimes blow things out of proportion?  I suppose when you view things through the prism of the Big People, our reactions to minor annoyances are out of proportion, but try to see things through the eyes of a Toddler.  To us, EVERYTHING is out of proportion.  Yes, it is!  Listen!

The couch, for instance.  The couch is easy for you to just perch down on.  Your feet even usually can touch the floor.  For me, the couch is a mountain to be conquered.  I hafta climb up, pull myself up, swing my legs up to the cushion, then army-crawl to my desired seat, where I find that my legs are stretched out straight in front of me, and my feet don't even clear the couch cushion.  How's that for strange proportion?

Be kind to Toddlers, Big People.

My people feel like we're normal-sized, but everything's way too tall, too big, too much for us.  

On those days that everything is too much, we are well within our rights to call in Toddler.  I mean, just because we actually DO have reasons to flip right the heck out anyway, early and often, doesn't mean the flipping out doesn't occur.  We flip out a lot, Friends.  That's acknowledged.  So on days that we feel like we're gonna flip out all over everybody we meet, we can just call in and say "I'm Toddler today," and then we get to stay home and watch Elmo all day, find our centers and all. 


I guess what I'm saying, Friends, is could you just be kind to us Toddlers?  Give us a little room to be spazzy and well, Toddler?  We have a lot on our plates, Friends, and the thing of it is, we hafta eat that lotsa on our plates with little teeny-tiny forks and spoons.  It's like the Universe just doesn't want us to win, but I for one am gonna work on Rising Above.  Yes I am!  Muah!

Paintin' With My Fingers!

No. I'm not in a horror movie. I'm fingerpaintin'!

Hiya, Friends!  Well, you know I'm always learning something.  Always doing something new. Learning new things is the spice of life.  It really is!

So this new thing is finger-painting.  Now, I've dabbled in the finger-painting before, with my blended sweet potatoes, and some ketchup, and soap on the counter, and with water on my tray on my high chair.  But on my last visit to Aunt Colleen's house, which really amounted to something epic, really, I got to fingerpaint with real paints! 

See? This is PAINT on my plate!

It was AMAZING!  I got to paint on paper plates, and then Aunt Colleen would put paint on my hands and then put it down on the paper, and it would look like FISH!  Just my hand-print, just like that! 

Also, Mommy made me an Artist's Smock out of a Market District bag she cut holes in for my head and arms.  I thought that was pretty neat!  So not only did I feel really artsy, painting papers and paper plates with my fingers and all, but I also felt a little avant garde fashion-wise.  I can't think of anybody I've seen before, wearing a smock made from a modified Market District bag, after all. 

Whoa. You can use two colors on one work of art? Fabulous!

Now, I thought that I'd reached the pinnacle of breathtaking discoveries for the day, painting with one color on plates and papers, but then what did Aunt Colleen do?  She had me try painting with TWO colors at once!  Red and Blue!  I'll never forget it, because that experience blew my mind!  I loved how the red and the blue each asserted themselves on the paper plate, and then in the middle, they were purple!

I think the cool kids call that a gradient-effect.

What I thought was particularly surprising was what happened when I mixed some of each of the four colors together on my paper plate: I mixed red, blue, yellow, and green, and together, those four colors made black.

My hand is a plane- now I AM my art!  Wow!

I don't know what I expected, really, but I know I didn't expect to see those colors all turn black.  That's good to know, though, because I'm thinking about doing a holiday-themed work of art for Halloween.  I know mixing red-n-yella will make orange, so I could paint a pumpkin, but I really wanted to be able to finger-paint a black cat, in honor of my friend Buddy-Cat. 

Hey, I don't hafta wait all the way 'til it's time to start doing Halloween crafts in order to make a portrait of my friend Buddy-Cat.  I can do a portrait of Buddy-Cat right now!

That's why I love art, Friends!  You don't hafta wait for the right time and place because all the time is the right time, and anyplace where you can make yourself a fancy artist's smock out of an appropriately-sized shopping bag, you can just turn yourself loose!

No, it isn't whip.  It's shavin' cream!

What I thought was pretty cool was that once I was all done with my painting for the day, Aunt Colleen got out a can of shavin' cream and squirted it all over her counter, where I'd been painting.  She said I could drag my fingers around in it and it'd clean me up.

It was a lot of fun. 

I don't wanna limit myself to just one medium, though.  I'd like to branch out from finger painting and Play Doh sculpting one day and maybe get into working with construction paper, scissors, and paste.

I could collage!  I could be a mixed-media artist!

Yeah, I like that idea a lot. 

Friends, I've got some ideafying to do at my white board, so I'm gonna letchya go for today.  I love ya!  Muah!

Schooled

I think the Little Martians will love reading in this tent!

Hiya, Friends!  Did you know my Aunt Colleen is a school-teacher?  It's true.  She teaches Little Martians at a place called Mars Elementary!  How about that?!  My whole life, I've heard all about Aunt Colleen's classroom, and I finally got to visit.  Not when the Little Martians were there.  No, I got to go to Aunt Colleen's classroom to help her get it ready for the Little Martians, before the Martian Schoolyear began!

I'd never been in a real-live classroom before, so it was particularly exciting to me to see all the desks lined up, fulla school supplies!  I really got a big kick outta Aunt Colleen's desk! 

Friends, did you know that the teacher gets a great big desk with lotsa drawers, and a great big chair?

Apparently the teacher doesn't get to sit at the desk very often, but it's really nice to see that Aunt Colleen has a lot of drawers to keep her school supplies!

Hey! Teacher! This kid knows the answer! Pick me!

Also, there's a big white board that is like my white board that I can write on with special markers and then clean right up with the swipe of an eraser!  I didn't get to write on the Big White Board the day I visited the Martian School, mainly because I wasn't s'posed to, and also because I couldn't reach it or the markers without help, so it made illicit use of the markers and marker board impossible. 

Not that I woulda tried the Big White Board out without permission.  I'm not like that. 

Moving right along.

I got to sit at a big horseshoe-shaped table, right in a real-live student's chair!  I got to play with school blocks!  I like to think they're smarter than just regular blocks, although regular blocks are pretty smart, too!

Pssst, Friend, the answer's TWO! Five donuts minus three is TWO donuts!

I also had a pair 'a' dice I was practicing rolling, just in case I got to go down to the Casino in Downtown Pittsburgh.  I wanted to win it big at the craps table, but all that practicing was for naught.  Uncle Lorentz said they don't let little kids into the Casino.  That's blatant ageism if you ask me.  So I didn't get to go to the Casino, and I hafta wait until I'm Older.  Darn it.

I got to go to school, though, and see a little bit of what it's all about.  I got to meet a principal!  I got to visit the cafeteria and the teacher's lounge and the special storage area in the BOILER ROOM!  Wow! 

I guess that's more exciting than a casino any day, Friends!  I guess it just is!

I love ya, Friends!  See ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Living Treasures: My Life-Changing Pilgrimage!

Oh WAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOW!

Friends, you know all about my love for the Little Giraffes of the Wild Steppes of the Bing and of Wexford.  You know I'd do anything for those guys, because they're great!  And it's always been my dream, my Impossible Dream, to meet some Big Giraffes!  Last summer, I got to see some Big Giraffes at the Pittsburgh Zoo, but I didn't get to meet 'em, actually.

Well, recently, I got to take a trip that changed my life.  I got to meet a coupla Big Giraffes.  I really did!  I was a wonderful place called Living Treasures.

They had all kindsa animals there.  There were flamingos and zebras and antelope and camels and goats- lots'n'lots of goats!  and ALPACAS!  And a pair of ostriches.  Oh!  And monkeys and bats and bison...

I wanna take you guys home to my house, but Mommy says no.

I think you catch my drift.  There were all these kinds of animals and MORE!  There was so much to see that I just didn't know where to look!

I really liked all the animals I met that day, Friends.  You could go right up to their habitat and say "hiya!" and they could come right over and say "hiya!" right back.  It was great!  I mean, I loved the Zoo, but at Living Treasures, I could get right up to the animals!  I could talk to 'em, feed 'em, pet 'em.  That means a lot to a little kid, because in the Land of the Big People, we're told to keep our hands off stuff a lot.  A lot, a lot, a lot!

Awwww, wow!  It is SUCH an honor to meet you Big Giraffes!

I do think it was smart not to have people petting the Lions, Tigers, and Cheetahs.  They're not petting-type folks, the Big Cats.  The lions were all the way behind glass, and there were people tapping on their windows (it wasn't me by a longshot!), and it made the lions grouchy.  The tigers were beautiful, but they're not like my tiger-friend Sabretooth, that likes to be near people.  They were happy to be admired from afar, and I was happy to admire from afar.  All the Big Cats have Big Teeth to match. 

I got to ride a horse made from a tire!

The experience that was really life- changing for me was that I got to meet a pair of Big Giraffes.  They were so gracious and graceful.  They came right over to the visiting area and greeted me warmly.  They were so friendly!  I felt so welcomed!

It was a tremendous honor to get to deliver snacks to the Big Giraffes.  They enjoyed carrots right from my hand.  Imagine that!  I love carrots, too, and so do the Big Giraffes! 

Just when I thought my day couldn't get any better, I got to ride on a horse made out of a recycled tire!  Boy, was that ever crazy, but in a good way!  That horse was pretty radial!  I mean radical!  See what I did there? 

No, seriously, I'm pretty sure it was made out of an old radial tire.  ... Um, well, okay.  Not all my jokes can be gold.

I got to bring home a Little Giraffe named Pinky, and she's my friend!

Finally, as I was strolling through the Gift Shop, figuring on getting a Tshirt or something, I met a Little Giraffe named Pinky, who lived at the store, but was hoping to find a nice Forever Home where she could get really used to her surroundings and settle in.  She asked me if I could find room for another Little Giraffe up in the Bing, and I said "Yeah!"  So Pinky got to come home with me.  How about that?!

As you can imagine from a Little Giraffe who's many shades of pink, Pinky is the life of any Little Giraffe party.  We're all pretty happy with her.  I'm really glad she's my new friend and that she gets along so well with all my other Little Giraffe Friends, and Sabretooth, too.

My trip to Living Treasures is a memory I'm going to treasure, and I can't wait to go back and spend some more time with those Giraffes!  They're just the greatest!

Bacon-Bakin!

Friends, I've had another wild idea!

Friends, there are two things I think are wonderful, and they both sound the same: Bacon and Bakin'.  I know technically, it's "Baking," with an -ing on the end, but that just isn't how I talk. 

Friends, I love things that are baked, especially cupcakes, or one of my new favorites: chocolate chip cookies.  I also love bacon.  I mean, who doesn't love bacon? 

I guess vegans, vegetarians, and the pigs themselves wouldn't love bacon.  So to them, I apologize.  If you're one of those denizens, please just skip this post and continue with tomorrow's.  I don't think what I have to say tomorrow will be meat-based.  But you never know with me.  You just never know.

Hey! Take that snoot off your face!

Back to my original topic, though.  So, now we know two things: I love baked things, or "Bakin'," and also, I love the delightfully salty-smoky taste of Bacon!  What if there were a way to combine the two?  I'm thinking of something revolutionary, Friends:

Bacony Chocolate Chip Cookies!

What did I just hear?  Did I hear you making a snoot-face like 'Zoe, that sounds so GROSS!'  Did I hear that, Friends?  Hey!  You never know.  It could be delicious!  So hear me out!

I'm not talking about putting giant chunks of bacon in the cookies, Friends.  I'm not talking about wrapping a chocolate chip cookie in a giant slab of bacon.  What I AM talking about is cutting the bacon up into little tiny pieces.  I'm not sure if that oughtta be done before or after the bacon's cooked.  I'm just not sure at this point, but I'm in the idea-gathering phase of this brilliance, not necessarily the phase where you think about the details like that.

I hope the EZBake can handle deliciousness of this magnitude!

Anyway, whether the bacon is cut up into little pieces before it's cooked or after, those little bacon pieces could be stirred into the chocolate chip cookie dough when the chocolate chips get added in, and then it all can be baked up.  Bakin' with bacon! 

Here's why I think this would be a delicious and revolutionary taste revolution: it would be like having chocolate chip pancakes and bacon for breakfast, except this would be BETTER because you don't hafta wait until breakfast, and you get to eat your chocolate chips and bacon in a COOKIE!!!  How about that?!

Think about it, Friends!  In the meantime, I've got some bacon-bakin' to do!

Awk-ward!

Hey. Don't know how to tell ya this, but ...

Hey-ya, Friends!  Boy, doesn't life present us with some magical moments?  Magical moments and awkward, awkward ones. 

What gets me is I never know quite how to handle 'em when I get an Awkward Moment.  I guess maybe that's why they're called Awkward Moments.

Oh, you know what I'm talking about, Friends, don't you?  I'm talking about those times where you've had spinach or broccoli for your meal, and you don't know it, but the person you're talking to knows you have a piece of it stuck right in your teeth, and every time you say a word with syllables, they see that broccoli or spinach, right there, front and center. 

Jeez.

Well, I guess you get points for eating green veggies, but it's embarrassing, isn't it?  Especially if they don't say anything to you, and you go around all afternoon, talking and smiling and going about things like you're just a Great Big Cheese, and you get back to your office, and look in the mirror and ... THERE'S A BIG PIECE OF GREEN VEGETABLE STUCK FRONT AND CENTER TO YOUR TEETH!  HOLY COW, HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN THERE?!  WHY, THE WHOLE TIME!

That's definitely AWK-warrrrrrrrrrrrd!

There's something on your face. Just there.

But isn't it equally awkward if the original person you were talking to points it out?  I mean, it's better that way, because then it's just them that's seen you talking with remnants of green veggie clinging to your teeth, and not everybody in your whole afternoon, but still.  There's that little stab of awkwardness.

I don't know.  I guess I'd rather find out sooner, rather than later.

Another classic example of an Awkward Moment is biting into an apple and finding only half a worm. ... I'll letchya think about that one a minute.  Go ahead.  That one's a value-sized awkward moment, because in addition to the awkwardness of finding only half the worm, you get a nice crawly-skin effect if you really get thinking about the ramifications of this particular situation.

OR!  You're at dinner, and the meal hasn't been served yet, but somehow the people you're with get to talking about their favorite foods and least-favorite foods, and you declare that you don't like asparagus because it gives you terrible gas, and what is your host serving? ... Heapin' helpin's of asparagus for everybody!  Boy, oh boy!  This one is a Super-Sized Awkward Moment, because first of all, you unwittingly dissed dinner- oops!  and also, you went and introduced terrible gas into the conversation.

Mommy says I shouldn't talk about terrible gas at any table, breakfast, lunch, dinner, or card.  She says it isn't a topic that should come up in conversation.  I think she's being prudish and Victorian about the whole thing.  Everybody gets terrible gas sometimes.  Why shouldn't I talk about it?  I'll tell ya what.  If I ever get invited back to that particular place for dinner again, I betchya asparagus won't be on the menu!  I bet the heck right out of it that it won't, Friends!

Awkward, I know, but wouldn't ya rather hear it from me?

I guess that's just something with my People, Friends.  We tend to be pretty direct, and I s'pose you Big People misread our directness for rudeness.  I can't think of many Awkward Moments shared among my People, though, Friends.  If we're mad, we let it out.  If we wanna cry, we cry.  If we think something's funny, we'll laugh.  If we have terrible gas, we'll let 'er rip, and probably all share a good laugh about it.

I'm not sure where along the way we're supposed to lose that, and start being slave to avoiding the Awkward Moments the way you Big People seem to be.  But I sure hope it isn't anytime soon.  If ya think about it, Friends, Awkward Moments are kind of a minor evil of our own making.

I guess what I'm saying is this: if you've got something on your face, or something stuck in your teeth, I'll tell ya.  I'll point it right the heck out.  Wouldn't you rather hear it from me?  And I sure hope you'll do the same for me.  I sure do!

I love ya, Friends!  See ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Very Superstitious!

Getchyer game faces on, Friends!  It's Friday the 13th!

Oooooooh, Friends!  It's Friday the Thirteenth!  How about that?!

I guess there's people out there who are very superstitious about the Number Thirteen.  Lotsa hotels and high-rise buildings don't have floors with the Number Thirteen.  They just skip right over it as though it's optional.  Isn't that weird?

Anyway, to celebrate Friday the Thirteenth, I'd like to talk about some common superstitions that people have, mmmmkay?  Okay!  Let's go!

Back to this thing about Friday the Thirteenth being an unlucky day.  I just don't know how they did the math and had it add up to Friday the Thirteenth being unlucky!  If anything, Friday the Thirteenth is even more awesome than any other day of the week that coulda been the Thirteenth.  Think about it.  I think I mentioned WAY back that I think a better day to put the whammy on people would be MONDAY the Thirteenth, not Friday the Thirteenth.  Why?  Fridays are awesome, and Mondays are... well, they're Mondays, aren't they?  And usually they come by the case.  Ripe pickens for a whammy, I think!

Hey, Friday the 13th Whammies: check out my shirt!

People can be funny about black cats crossing their paths.  This one, I take umbrage with.  One of my best friends is a black cat.  His name is Buddy.  I don't think Buddy Cat is a bad luck cat at all.  In fact, it's just the opposite.  My family says that Buddy Cat's crossing their path was one of the luckiest things ever!  How about that?!

They say you don't wanna stand under a ladder, because it's bad luck.  I understand this one a little.  If you stand on a ladder, someone or something could fall on your head.  On the surface, that's bad luck, but look a little deeper, and that's poor planning.  Seriously!

Also on the Poor Planning Makes For Bad Luck smorgasbord, I guess if ya walk around with only one shoe on, ya get seven years' bad luck for each step you take, especially if you're forgetting to put on your LEFT shoe.  That's a head-scratcher.  I could see why it would cause you bad luck in the immediate time during which you walk around one-shoed.  You could step on a nail.  That's bad luck, but you were going around wearing only one shoe, so it's Bad Luck Due to Poor Planning!  They oughtta trademark that, now that I think about it!

Breaking a mirror will also earn you a seven-pack of bad luck years.  I get it.  Mirrors shatter into a bazillion pieces when they break, and it takes a long time to clean 'em all up, and get all the tiny little shards.  But SEVEN YEARS of BAD LUCK?!  Come on!  I guess this comes from the way-back machine, when people thought mirrors reflected their souls, so if the mirror got shattered, so did their soul.  I don't really understand the seven years thing, though.  Is that how long it took for their soul to put itself back together?  Is that even how it works?  Strange ancient people, anyway!

I'm still gonna wear my Special hat today.  Just to be safe!

Some people like to throw salt over their left shoulder to ward off evil spirits.  Other people spit when they're about to say something that might tempt fate.  The former is interesting, but would be a little annoying if you had to sweep up.  The latter is just kinda disgusting.  Spitting, Big People?  Really?!  Gross.

Anyway, on this Friday the Thirteenth, Friends, take some advice from your pal Zoe and go out there and just have fun.  It's Friday, after all, and you aren't the helpless pawn of mischievous gods or strange atmospheric conditions.  You have power over your own luck.  Sometimes, weird or bad things happen out of the blue, sometimes, they're just a result of Poor Planning.  Control whatchya can, Friends, and be careful of the rest, but DON'T LET IT RUIN YOUR PERFECTLY GREAT FRIDAY, MMMMMMMMKAY?!

It's gonna be okay, Friends!  I love ya, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!