Thursday, April 30, 2015

These Donuts I Developed Aren't Gonna Present Themselves!

I'm gonna present my Flapjacks-n-Jowls Donut today!
Hiya, Big People! 

As you know, I recently accepted a position at my friend Donut Dude's Corporate Headquarters, as the Director of Donut Development.  The job is great fun and hardly feels like I'm at work. 

Sure beats the heck outta fillin' out TPS Reports every day, I'll tell ya that much!

So, I'm in charge of developing new donut flavors and concepts, you know, coming up with the ideas for new flavors, and then formulating and trying recipes (and formulating and trying new recipes until I find one that really suits).  I work with a team of people, and although I direct the team, we all collaborate.  We all brainstorm.  We all work together to bring out the best donut offerings.

After we have the idea and the recipe down, we make a buncha the new donuts, and then we go out in Donut Dude Donut Trucks to distribute them to potential customers.  I think this is called a "market test," or a "beta test," but we know it as "lettin' people try our new donuts and tellin' us what they liked and didn't like about 'em!"

After that phase of the process, it's back to the drawing board, because there's always tweaking to do.  It isn't that people are hard to please, but when they find something they sort of like, or they want to like, but it just isn't "there" yet, my team and I like to do whatever we can to make sure we get the new donut to "sensational!" status.

Oh, sure.  Sometimes we develop a dud.  We tried a Sun Dried Tomato, Broccoli, and Cheese donut that seemed like a good idea at the time- kind of a savory donut insteadda the familiar sweet donuts.  We were tryin' to be edgy and new.  But here's the thing, people didn't like it.

I guess there's a good way to be edgy and a bad way, and that's the bad way to do it, Friends.  Nobody liked that donut.  We didn't really get a lot of complete feedback on that one, but we got a lot of "Yuck!" and "What is WRONG with you?!" on the forms, so we figure that's one to put away and not spend any more of our R&D money and time on.

However, today I'm presenting a new donut, and I think it's a winner.  I think it's edgy in all the right ways.  While I'm not on the crest of the trend, I think I'm definitely riding in the good part of the wave with this one:

The Flapjacks-n-Jowls Donut (working title), which is a pancake-flavored donut (hence the flapjacks), filled with a delicious maple-flavored buttercreme that has pieces of crispy, applewood-smoked bacon folded carefully into it.  And then the whole donut is glazed in a maple glaze and iced with a maple-flavored ganache, and topped with more crispy, maple-candied applewood-smoked bacon crumbles.  The "jowls" part comes from the bacon.

I don't know about you, but I think we have a winner on our hands.  There'll be some people who won't like it, because they don't like to get their bacon all syrupy, but I think a lotta folks will think it's just the ticket.  I just hafta present, and get Donut Dude to okay mass-producing them so we can put them on the donut trucks!  How about that?!

Friends, even if an idea seems weird at first, sometimes, you've just gotta give it a spin.

I love ya lots!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

What Day Is It?

How 'bout a Souvenir Snapshot of you on this Wednesday?
Well, hiya, Big People!  It sure is good to see ya!

What's today? ... Wednesday?  Yeah, you're right.  It's Wednesday. 

You know, it was a lot easier to keep tracka the middle of the week when my pal Joe the Camel would come through my old job, announcing that it's Hump Day.  I don't work there anymore, but even if I did, Joe the Camel left that job and went into business for himself, owning a canteen company.

I guess nobody knows how to bring water along in a variety of situations like a camel.  I say Good On Joe the Camel!

Now that I work over to Donut Dude's Corporate Headquarters, I've tried to find a good substitute for Joe the Camel, for announcing what day it is.

For example, I tried re-branding my best pal Rozzie as the "Days of the Week Dog!"  Let's just say that every day was "Woof-Woof-Woof-Woof!" and it was always Greenie Time.  Sometimes the power just goes straight to somebody's head, you know?

Then I tried to convince my friend Buddy at Gramma's House to be the Calendar Cat.  He wasn't interested in the position. 

Well, I guess until I can get one of those clocks that has the seven different slices, and it points to which day of the week it is, I'll just hafta live in a state of perpetual Friday.  How about that?!

I love ya lots, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Li'l Ladies Who Lunch at Luncheons!

It's great to be a Li'l Lady Who Lunches at Luncheons!
Well, hiya, Friends!  Happy Tuesday to you!

You know, a little while ago, a buncha my friends and I formed a club called Li'l Ladies Who Lunch at Luncheons, and we dress in our Li'l Ladies Who Lunch outfits, and we eat luncheons.  Sometimes we have a guest speaker.  Sometimes we play card games.  Usually it's something like Go Fish or Old Maid, but on other occasions, we play a good game of Texas Hold'em. 

I'll tell ya what, that Pidgie McDougall is absolutely cut-throat at Texas Hold'em.  She'd say the same thing about me, but it's Pidgie you hafta look out for.

My friend Sabretooth always asks if he can come along on a Luncheon with the Li'l Ladies.  Not so much because he adores the company of a buncha Li'l Ladies lunching- he says we're annoying and we talk too much- but Sabretooth loves Luncheons.  And he likes to play cards. 

I don't know, Friends.  I don't think I'll take along Sabretooth.  I like him a lot and everything, but I'm afraid he'd adversely affect the group dynamic of the group, you know what I mean?  Everybody, I think, has a group of friends that you really get along great with, and it's easy to converse and be socially social, but then you bring That One Friend of yours, and That One Friend is a perfectly nice individual, and is generally well-liked, but when That One Friend comes along and meets up with your groupa friends that you really get along great with, and it's like some weird kind of chemical reaction, and either the conversation is really flat, suddenly, or silent, or a fight gets picked, where there were never fights before.

I think I'm gonna just explain to Sabretooth that although I know he's great, he really wouldn't look right in a Li'l Ladies Who Lunch at Luncheons sweater set, or sweater sets in general, but I'd be happy to go to lunch or dinner with him at another time, when we can talk about the stuff we like to talk about!

That's what makes having a diverse groupa friends so great, Friends!  You never run out of things to talk about!

Hey.  I love ya lots, Big People!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Monday, April 27, 2015


Go ahead and jump (on the couch!)
Hiya, Big People!

Hey, I know it's Monday and all, but I gotta say, I'm listenin' to the dang ol' Van Halen on the hi-fi, and it just makes me wanna jump, and inexplicably have a Pepsi.

Well, maybe not so inexplicably.  You see, in the 1980s, Van Halen let Pepsi use their song called "Right Now," which is not the song that instructs you to go ahead and jump.  It's the one that tells ya that it's your tomorrow.  And then Van Halen let Pepsi use the song again in 1992-93 for their ill-fated Crystal Pepsi product. 

Yep.  You're lookin' at a kid who's studying all facets of POPular culture (see what I did there?  Pepsi's pop! Ha!)

And.  I also know my music.  Anyways, there's just something about that music that makes me feel great.  Like anything's possible, even jumpin' on the couch on a Monday and not gettin' in trouble for it. 

So go on and jump, Friends!  It's your tomorrow!  Do it right now!

I love ya lots!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, April 26, 2015


Friends, I am proud to be a PEZ-ant!  You bet I am!
Friends, if you know me, you know that I am an avid fan of PEZ candies and their dispensers. 

Sometimes, when I accompany Mommy to the grocery store, insteadda hinting around that I want a candy bar or frozen novelty or boxa cereal to commemorate my trip to the Food Palace, I'll ask her if we can take a stroll to where they keep the PEZ dispensers, so I can choose one I don't have yet. 

Right now, I'm workin' on collectin' all the characters from the Toy Story movies!  I have Woody right now and am on the hunt for Buzz, Jessie, and a representative LGM.

I think that what it is about PEZ that makes me love 'em so much is that the dispensers are whimsical and useful.  They double as playthings AND they dispense one of my favorite candies!   Plus, I love the PEZ candies themselves.  I love their shape, their crunchiness, and how they taste like Magic!

Yep, Big People.  If you were to call me a PEZ-ant, I'd look ya right in the eye and say "That's me!"

I am a PEZ-ant, and darn proud, Friends!  Yes I am!

Hey.  I'll see ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Saturday, April 25, 2015

I Have My VeeDub Bus!

This van runs on the Power of Imagination, Babies!
Friends, I believe that when I last wrote and you last read, I was tellin' ya all about the functioning rocket-ship I wanted to build in our yard so I can fly into outer space.  Remember how I told ya that all the forces were conspiring against me: my mother, and possibly the local authorities, just to name the most pernicious?  Remember how I told ya all about that?

Well, I guess I can't do a weekend project that involves building and flying that rocket-ship, but that's not gonna get me down!  It sure isn't!

I remembered that I have my Volkswagen Bus Tent.  I love that bus!  It has all kindsa great features like windows, and retro styling, and a spare tire.  Best of all, though, it runs on the Power of Imagination. 

This is where that VeeDub Bus gets really interesting, Friends, because you see, the whole point of me wanting to build a functioning rocket-ship in the yard was so I could fly to outer space.  With my bus, I can just get inside and imagine I'm flying in space!  It's gonna save me a BUNDLE in rocket fuel, Big People!  Do you have any idea how much that stuff costs?  It costs a whole buttload of money, it does.  And then you've gotta answer a buncha awkward questions about why you need rocket fuel, and intrusive inquiries of that sort.

The VeeDub Bus Tent just sails smoothly right around all that mumbo jumbo, Friends!  Isn't that great?

I love ya Big People!  I'll be seein' ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, April 24, 2015


I'm only lookin' out for ya, Big People!  I'm on your side!
Hiya, Friends! 

Well, ya know, there's a few things on my mind today that I need to mention.  so I hope you've had your Omega-3s.  Maybe a nice piece of fish for breakfast or something to really feed your brain, because I'm gonna give it a big working-out!  You bet I am!

The first thing on my mind today is that, by golly, it's the twenty-fourth of the month.  Do you know what that means, Big People?!  Do you? 

That's right.  It's time for me to remind you how many months you have to get ready for Christmas Eve.  Since it's the Month of April right now, it's the fourth month of the year, and there are twelve months of the year, and Christmas Eve falls in the twelfth month... lemme wanna carry the one, and...

Friends, there's eight months until Christmas Eve.  Don't be all mad at me for pointing this out.  I do this to perform a public service so that it doesn't sneak up on ya in December. 

Let's see.  The other thing that's on my mind today is that it's Friday.  Fridays are great fun, aren't they?  I just love 'em.  All the weekend's potential, right here.  All the fun we're gonna have.  All the things we're gonna do.

You know, I had a really great weekend project planned for this weekend, and Mommy vetoed it.  What I wanted to do this weekend is go to the dang ol' Home Depot and Lowe's and buy the stuff I'd need to make myself a functioning rocket-ship, so I could fly into outer space!  That's what I wanted to do!

Don't you know That Mommy said that obtaining a building permit for a functioning rocket-ship would be nigh onto bein' impossible in my township, on accounta we're zoned specifically for not having functioning rocket-ships built on our property?  I didn't think my township had it together so well as to ZONE things, but hey, what do I know?  I'm three and a half.  They haven't made a Big Board Book of Rules in the Bing.

But they should! 

They say nobody ever reads the handbook until they run into a problem, and I think I've run into a problem with Mommy and this zoning business and how it all interferes with my functioning rocket-ship I can fly into outer space!  That's what, Friends!

So, as you can see, I've got some workin' to do.  Got some stuff cut out for me that I've gotta take care of.  I'll see ya tomorrow.  I sure do love ya lots!  Muah!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

I Wanna Be An Up-Lifter!

I like to find the strengths insteadda focusin' on the weaknesses!
Hiya, Friends! 

Well, ya know, I think that part of my job as a Toddler is to learn how to be a responsible and pleasant member of the Community At Large.

One thing I've learned that really helps me along on that journey is learnin' how to be an Up-Lifter.  An Up-Lifter is pretty much the opposite of a bully.  You see, a bully finds out somebody's weaknesses, and then goes out of their way to pick on those weaknesses.  On the other hand, though, and Up-Lifter will watch a person and look for all the things that person can do really well, and then cheer 'em on when they do what they're good at.

A bully likes to make people feel bad about themselves.  An Up-Lifter likest to... well, lift up people, make 'em feel their best, show 'em that they're a lot more awesome than maybe even they think they are.

That's what bein' an Up-Lifter means to me, Big People, and that's why I wanna be one.  It makes people feel good to be uplifted, and it makes people feel good to be an uplifter!  How about that?! 

Hey, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Wrong. Just Wrong.

You mean there are times when I'm just wrong?
Oh, boyo boy, Friends.  Do you remember how the other day, I talked about how even when I'm wrong I'm right?

Well, as it turns out, I was mistaken.  Sometimes when I'm wrong, I'm actually just wrong.

I cannot begin to tell you how shocked I was to learn this. 

I cannot begin to tell you how embarrassed and humbled I felt to learn this.

I guess that sometimes, when I'm really, truly wrong, and any justifying I do is just silliness, what I hafta say insteadda "I'm sorry you think I'm wrong about this!" is "I'm sorry.  I'm mistaken about this matter.  I am going to go do some more research, so that I can understand the situation or matter more fully."

If you think that's a mouthful for YOUR mouth, Big People Friends, just try bein' Three and sayin' all that.  It's so much easier to yell 'yoinks!!!' and run and hide under the coffee table.

But doin' the easy thing isn't necessarily the right thing.  I'm learnin' that now.

Friends, growin' up is HARD!!!

I love ya lots!  And I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Zen of the Snowglobe

I've learned a lot from my snowglobe, Big People!
Friends, as you know, we had a heckofa winter in my town.  I never thought it'd quit snowin'.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the winter, and I love the snow. 

But this winter was something else.  It really was.  It was starting to get even me down in the dumps, and the dumps were really, really cold!

Then I found a snowglobe on the bookshelf in the stairwell, and my whole outlook changed. 

You see, my friends in the snowglobe live in winter all the time, even when it's summertime out here.  And no matter how much I shake that snowglobe to make it snow in there, my snowglobe friends keep smiling and they don't lose their happy.

I figured I could learn a lot from my snowglobe friends!  I set out to maintain good cheer, no matter how much it snows.  I set out to learn the snowglobe's secrets. 

And I did.

As it turns out, life isn't about grumblin' about the cold and snowy weather.  It's about learnin' how to build the best snowman.

Says the girl who's livin' in sweet, sweet Springtime now!  Hahahahahahaha!

I love ya lots, Friends!  I sure do!  And I'll be seein' ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Monday, April 20, 2015

Zoe's Snack Shack

Who wants to come buy my stuff?  I'm gonna eat it all myself if nobody buys it!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Monday!

As you might remember, I recently left my former job in a corporate setting and went to work for my friend Donut Dude, who has turned out to be a much bigger deal than I ever thought.  I'm the Director of Donut Development.

Sometimes, though, Donut Dude likes his department heads to get back out on the street to get in touch with what The People want. 

Back when I first met Donut Dude, I thought the most important thing was an establishment called "Donut Dude" not running outta donuts.  You know what I mean?

But as it turns out, not running out of donuts should be a given, and The People want other things, like new flavors, and maybe novelty donuts shaped like pretzels, or donuts shaped like cookies or cupcakes.  So I've been developing such things.  I've even been developing donuts that look like bananas, green grapes, and apples, and donuts that come in a popcorn box.  And I've hit the streets today in my snack truck to sell my newly-developed wares.  It's feet-on-the-ground, real-time market research, you know, Friends?  And that's what I'm up to today!

You might be asking why anyone would want a donut that looks like an apple or a buncha green grapes.  Well, that's what I aim to find out in my market research today.  I think the reason nobody's requested sucha thing yet is that they didn't know it was possible.  But a funny thing happens when you show people what's possible.  They end up realizing that not only do they want that, but they NEED that!

I predict that my donuts that look like apples will be HUGE sellers, Friends.  Mark my words!

Hey.  I love ya lots!  I'll be seein' ya tomorrow, mmmkay?  Muah!

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Even When I'm Wrong, I'm Right!

It's all a matter of perspective, Friends!  How about that?!
Well, howdy-doody, Friends!

You know, sometimes, I misunderstand concepts and then I say things that could be misconstrued as wrong if you're a person who doesn't know or understand that I, Zoe WithLizardBreath Blake, am never wrong.

It would save people a lot of time and aggravation, if only they'd learn that I am never wrong.  It would be SUCH a timesaver for you Big People, that I'm gonna do you the public service of explainin' my reasoning to you, right now, okay? 

This is really important, so you might wanna have a notebook and paper nearby, so you can take notes.  Wide or college ruled or unlined.  It doesn't matter to me.

The reason I am never wrong is that even when I'm wrong, I'm right. 

Lemme wanna hafta repeat that: Even when I'm wrong, I'm right, Big People!

You see, it's all a matter of perception.  When you think I'm wrong about the lyrics to a song, what's really happening is that I'm experiencing the song differently than you are, and therefore am hearing completely different, though similarly-sounding words that are better lyrics than the real lyrics anyway.  How the heck about that?! 

Same goes for if Mommy says I made a mess of my office by strewing the toys around it.  You see, she's wrong and I'm right, because when I was playing with those toys, I was playing with the toys and was not making a mess.  So Mommy oughtta get off my back, don'tchya think?

Well, of course you do.  I think that, so if you don't, you're wrong.  Cut and dried, plain and simple.

So you see, Big People, there's just no point in arguing with me.  I'm right.  I just am.  Because I am never wrong.  That's the way it is.  That's the way it always will be. 

I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends!  Muah!

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Spring Things!

I'm ready to spring into action!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Saturday to you! 

Have you ever noticed that there's a lot of clever ways you can play on the word 'Spring?'  Well, if you haven't noticed, there sure are lotsa ways.

For starters, you can 'Spring to It!' or 'Spring into Action!'  That's what I'm doin' in the picture for today.  Springing to it, and it's doubly effective because it IS Spring, the season. 

Then of course, there's 'Spring Ahead!'  I'm much happier with springing ahead, clock-wise, now that I'm all acclimated to doing so.  Man-o-man, was that ever brutal, the first few days after we sprang our clocks ahead, but now it's pretty much okay.  At least I think so, friends!

There are also lotsa clever ways to use 'Spring,' like 'Spring it on!' which is a play on 'Bring it on!' or maybe not.  You CAN spring something on someone else. 

You know, Friends, these seasons that do double duty as verbs are just great.  Spring and Fall.  I realize that you can 'winter' and 'summer,' too, but it isn't the same as springing and falling.  I'll admit that I like to make my clock fall back better than I like springing it ahead, but in most other ways, I prefer springing to falling.  I mean, who wouldn't, when you really think about it?!

Friends, I hope you use this Saturday to all its springtime fullest, mmmkay?  I sure love ya lots!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, April 17, 2015

It's Friday!!!

It's Friday: I go nuts!
Friends!  Do you know what day it is?  Do. You. Know. What. Day. It. Is?!

What?  No.  It isn't Hump Day.  Why would you think that?

Oh, wait.  I know why.  I sounded an awful lot like my friend Joe the Camel just now, didn't I?  I didn't mean to.  I'm not tryin' to move in on Joe the Camel's verve.  I got plenty of that on my own.  I just got momentarily excited that it's Friday.

I love Fridays, because the whole weekend is right there, stretched before us like a whole sheeta blank paper, and I'm holdin' a brand-new box of sixty-four crayons.  Just all that potential energy of the weekend ready to spring out, come the end of the day on Friday.

If ever there was a great reason to go nuts, Friday is it!

All righty, Friends!  I have some serious Fridaying to do.  I hope you do, too!  I love the heck right outta ya!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Keep Calm and Ice Cream On!

This Strawberry's definitely the nectar of the gods!
Friends, I know that yesterday was Tax Day, and that's enough to make anybody dyspeptic, but here's the thing I've found that makes me feel lots better all over, and that's having a nice disha ice cream.

I don't know if you've noticed it or not, but all that nice, cold creaminess and synapse-poppin' sweetness just smooths right the heck out whatever it is that's ailin' ya. 

Unless you're lactose intolerant.  Then ice cream would definitely NOT smooth right the heck out whatever's ailin' ya.  In fact, ice cream would pretty much be the root of all that's ailin' ya, if you're lactose intolerant. 

Boy.  Now I'm kinda feelin' bad for doing this post today.  You Big People don't need anything more to worry about this week, what with Tax Day and your lactose intolerance and all.  Boyo Boy.  I sure am sorry as heck!

Wait a minute.  You have other options, if you can't eat ice cream.  There's LOTS of things you can have insteadda ice cream that are nice and cold.  You can freeze up a banana, then put it through the blender and make yourself some Banana Swirl!  You can even throw in some frozen strawberries and frozen mangoes and just have a tropical tornado in your dish! 

Or you could go to Rita's and get yourself some water ice.  Don't get the custard.  But you can eat the water ice pretty easy, I think.  I don't think there's any lactose in the water ice at Rita's!

Also, there's coconut milk ice cream in the Nature's Marketplace section at the dang ol' Wegmans.  I saw it with my own two brown eyes, Friends.  It's dairy free and everything, because coconuts are just about the most perfect things ever, I think.

So go get yourself a nice cold treat, Friends.  I love ya lots!  I'll be seein' ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

You Don't Hafta Pay A Smile Tax!

I'm smilin' 'cause they can't tax how much I smile, Friends!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Wednesday to you!

Big People?  I understand that today's the deadline for filin' your income taxes.  I also understand that
on the scale of things you Big People like to do and think about, taxes fall somewhere between passing a kidney stone without medical intervention, having a colonoscopy without anesthesia, and usin' fifty-grit sand paper for toilet paper.

In other words, I get the impression that everything about taxes is unpleasant for you Big People, and therefore, you're not sucha fan of April the Fifteenth, since it's Tax Day.

But I have some comfort for ya, Friends.  I have something you can smile about, and that is the fact that they don't tax smiling!  You can smile all the heck you want, and they're not gonna tax it.  So I say, smile like you've gone crazy and aren't comin' back.  Smile like you've got the biggest, most salacious secret on the planet, and you're gonna keep it to yourself, because it's THAT gooda secret! 

Smile because I love the heck right outta ya, Friends!  And I'll see ya tomorrow.  I sure will!  Muah!

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Wheat Berries Are Not Berries

You can't even make JAM outta wheat berries!
Hiya, Friends! 

Well, I'm once again wiser but sadder.  This time it's wheat berries that I have misinterpreted the true nature of and have been let down.

It's true.  I tried wheat berries with my heart all fulla hope and my mouth all set for something juicy, but wheaty... I don't know.  Maybe something a little like bread-flavored, juicy strawberries, with a little sweetness to 'em. 

What I got was a handfulla something that was more like uncooked rice that's cooked a little bit on the raw side of done... You know, just the very edgiest edge of the brutal cruncha raw rice was taken off, with these wheat berries.  They weren't juicy.  They sort of tasted like bread, but I think that's because wheat berries go into bread.  I guess there was a little sweetness to 'em.  If ya used your imagination, anyways.

Friends, I'm so disappointed in my whole wheat berries experience that I'd like to petition the Wheat People to change their name to something else.  I don't know what they oughtta change the name to.  That's the problem of the Wheat People.  But I'd suggest 'Hard Little Wheat Kernels.'  That's more truthful advertising than callin' 'em berries.  Boyo Boy.

Hey.  I'm gonna go eat a marshmella or two, Friends.  I'll see ya tomorrow, mmmkay?!  Muah!

Monday, April 13, 2015

Rozzie Appreciation Day

I love this dog more than a whole mountain of marshmellas.
Hiya, Big People!

Hey, even though it's Monday, I'd just like to call today "Rozzie Appreciation Day."

There's no specific reason I wanna appreciate Rozzie today, other than that Rozzie's just pretty great.  She and I go way back.  One of my first memories from when I came home from the hostable is Rozzie's friendly, furry face lookin' at me.

When I was a tiny baby, I usedta swing in my swing, and Rozzie shared her favorite Flexafoam ball with me.  She put it right on my tummy.  I was too little to play with her with the ball, but she was tellin' me that when I was ready to play, she'd be here.  And she sure has been!

Another of my earliest memories is of Rozzie encouraging me during Tummy Time on my old Baby Play Gym.  If you don't know what Tummy Time is, it's when parents put their babies on their tummies and then laugh and laugh while the baby screams, because the baby doesn't wanna do tummy time.  The baby wants to fallasleep in the baby-swing.  Or the stroller.  Or the carseat. The baby wants to be pretty much anywhere, doing anything else besides Tummy Time, in other words, and I can say this with grave authority, because it wasn't too long ago that I was a baby and I didn't wanna be doin' Tummy Time.  Stupid Tummy Time, anyway!  But my pal Rozzie would lie beside my Tummy Time mat, and she'd bark at me to encourage me to keep at it.  She'd lick my head, because apparently bald baby-head is irresistible to German Shepherd Dogs.  And she'd alert my mother to any Pampers Situations, which would happily end Tummy Time, right then and there.

I will be eternally thankful for Rozzie's efforts to end my Tummy Time misery, although it did result in scrutiny at the diaper changing station and also, the Tummy Time-endings were always temporary.  For a while there, it seemed like I was in an endless loopa Tummy Time.  Boyo Boy.

Rozzie is a great dog to travel with.  She rides in her own area in the backa the Jeep, right behind my own seat.  When we go places together, Rozzie and I sing fun road-trip songs together such as "Feel This Moment," "Subdivisions," and "I'm Gonna Bark Until We Get To Where We're Goin' Then I'm Gonna Bark the Whole Way Home!" 

That last one is Rozzie's and my favorite!

Yep, I sure love that big, furry dog of mine!  I sure appreciate her! 

And I appreciate you, Friends!  I hope you have a pal as good as my pal Rozzie, Friends!  I love ya lots!  See ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, April 12, 2015

The Polopony Races

No, I'm pretty sure it's 'polopony.'
Hiya, Friends!

With it bein' a Sunday in Springtime, after all, I've decided to take up a new sport: racin' my polopony Sparky.

Now, when I made this announcement earlier, I was "corrected" and told that Sparky is a polo pony.  I hate bein' corrected when I'm so clearly right.  Sparky is not, in fact, a 'poh-loh pohnee.'  He is a polopony, and you pronounce it 'puh-LOP-uhny.'  On accounta Sparky and I don't play this polo game.  We race in the actual Polopony Races. 

I can see how Big People could be confused.  The Polopony Races are a little bit similar to a game of polo, in that we ride ponies and we bat at balls with sticks, but insteadda Polopony Racers usin' a polo stick, we use broomsticks, and insteadda all of us fightin' over the ball, we all kinda race and hafta keep the ball rolling ahead of the pack of racing Poloponies by givin' the ball a whack with our brooms.

Of course, the point is still to win the Polopony Race by crossin' the finish line first, but thing of it is, no Polopony can cross the finish line before the ball does, or nobody wins!  On one hand, Polopony Racing is an every-polopony-for-him-or-herself free-for-all, but on the other hand, all the competitors are also on the same team, united against the common enemy that is the ball, which tries its darndest to let the packa racin' poloponies get far enough ahead of it so they all cross the line first and get the race disqualified.

It's a lotta fun to watch, and even more fun to participate in, Friends.  It really is! 

So that's what I'm doin' with my Sundays these days.  Polopony Races. 

Hey.  I'll see ya tomorrow, mmmkay?  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

It's 4/11: For Your Information Day!

I'm better'n 4-1-1!  I have ALL the answers, Big People!
Hiya, Friends! 

Happy Saturday and all that, but I've got an even bigger deal for ya: Since it's 4/11, I decided that today's For Your Information Day!  How about that?!

Well, because when you want information, you dial 4-1-1 on the telephone, and you get an operator who'll give you any kind of information that you could possibly think you need, so long as it's a telephone number.  Maybe an address.


That's it?  That's the only kind of information you get if you dial 4-1-1?  Just the telephone number?  Maybe an address?  Really?!

I guess that if you need the telephone number and address of a person or a business, and you're not within reach of a Magic Thinkin' Machine, dialin' 4-1-1 would be insanely useful and timely.  I suppose that's good.  I mean, if you're in a hurry to get an address and a telephone number, you wouldn't wanna hafta get all bogged down and confused, listenin' to the history of the telephone number, the history of the address, the Wikipedia entry on the person or place you're calling, and a list of all their favorite nearby local businesses and national chains. 

A case of less is more, if you will, Friends.

But today, since it's 4-1-1: For Your Information Day, I'm givin' out free information.  I have ALL the answers!  Of course I do!  I'm three!

I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends!  I've gotta go stand by, in case somebody wants some information!  I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, April 10, 2015

Friday: We MADE IT!!!!

Raise your cuppa Root Beer and shout 'Ahoy, Friday!  Huzzah!'
Happy Friday, Friends! 

Boyo Boy.  Those words taste so sweet in my mouth: Happy.  Friday.

I don't know what it is about the weeks immediately followin' a holiday, but they are a trial.  Maybe it's because holidays are so much fun, and in comparison, the Regular Daily Grind is just so mundane.  Maybe it's because during holidays, I get to see Aunt Colleen and Uncle Lorentz, and during the Regular Daily Grind, I don't get to.

But enough about all that, because it's FRIDAY!  and I am so happy to see this day of the week!  Why, if I had access to the online ordering, I'd order up a buncha streamers and confetti and a pinata, and I'd have a dang ol' fiesta today, on accounta it's FRIDAY!!!  Doesn't that sound like great fun?

Of course, somebody'd hafta clean up all those streamers, and confetti, and the pinata.  Somehow, fiestas are fun, but the clean-up is not fun.  Even callin' it a Clean-Up Fiesta doesn't make it fun.  It makes it the Worst Party Ever.  I wonder why that is, Friends.  Makin' messes is so much fun, but the clean-up just is no fun at all.

Well, anyways.  Let's all get a nicey big mugga Root Beer, raise it up, and shout "Ahoy, Friday!  Huzzah!"

I love ya lots, Friends, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Thursday, April 9, 2015

I Don't Even Miss It!

Sometimes, new challenges are all ya need to make ya feel alive!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Thursday to you!

Hey.  I've gotta tell ya, I'm really enjoying my new job, workin' with Donut Dude.  I don't get an upset stomachal area before I come to work here, like I used to, back at the Company.  I get to be creative, relaxed, creative, and in charge of a whole department at my new job, which all those things are the opposite of my old job back at the Company.

I really thought I'd be a little emotional over my new job, because at the end of the day, I was really used to some things about my old job.  I had my spot in the conference room.  I had my groupa friends I'd meet at the water cooler.  I had my bathroom stall I'd go to cry in when the Executives would shoot down any really good ideas I'd have for improving efficiency or morale or other things I'd see around that I thought could use a little improvin'.

But the crazy thing is that I'm so happy, working with Donut Dude that I don't need to go to any bathroom stall to cry.  My ideas are listened to, and when I come up with one that woulda gotten shot down back at the Company, we talk about the idea here, and find a way to take it apart and separate into things that'd work, and crazy stuff we'll laugh about later.  When we come up with a donut that just doesn't work (Sardine Sensation, for instance!  Yikes!) nobody yells at me for inventing an awful flavor.  In fact, they say 'There's another one we know doesn't work!' and then we write it on the Board, so we know we don't hafta invent that flavor again.

Sometimes, though, somebody figures out how to make what regular people would think of as a flop into something pretty great.  That's why we write on the Board in dry-erase marker, because just because something's a mistake now, doesn't mean it'll end up bein' a mistake for always.

Cats LOVE Sardine Sensation donuts, you know.  My friend Sabretooth is a tiger, and he says next to red jelly donuts, Sardine Sensation are his favorite.  So it's possible that Sabretooth might just spin off his own department for animalcentric donut flavors and varieties, maybe opening a Donut Dudes for the animal set, even!

You just never know, Friends.

There's something to be said about workin' in an environment where you don't hafta live in fear of bein' called in to HR every time you turn around.  There's something wonderful about bein' able to bloom.

So I don't even miss my old Company at all!  Sometimes, Change is really, really good!

One thing that'll never change, though, Big People is that I just love ya right to pieces!  I really do!  And I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Don't Be A Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creeper

Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creepers are shady.
Hiya, Big People!

Hey.  Don't be mad at me, but I kinda wanna hafta have a serious discussion with you for today.  I know it's Wednesday and all, and I usually like to be all festive for Wednesdays, but something's been botherin' me lately, and I wanna talk about it.

As you know, I love the Facebook.  I have my own picture show over on the Facebook, and I love to look at things in Mommy's Newsfeed while I sit on Mommy's lap.  Pictures of other little kids I know, funny cartoons, messages from friends...

I don't have a Facebook profile of my own, on accounta me bein' three.  They don't let three-year-olds have their own pages, so that's why I hitch a ride on Mommy's profile.  Everybody knows I do it, and I identify myself readily when I've taken things over.

There are adults who don't have a Facebook profile of their own, and they're quite proud of that fact.  They'll tell anyone who'll listen that "I don't DO Facebook!  I'll never do Facebook!  I don't wanna be on Facebook!"

And that's fine.  You don't hafta do Facebook, Big People.  That's your choice.

The beef that's stuck in my teeth today are the adults who go through that whole thing about how Facebook is bad, bad, bad, and they'll never be on it, but then they use someone else's login information to look at that person's friends' posts on the Facebook.  Some people are sneaky about it and don't tell anyone that they do it, and that's pretty unsavory, but the thing that really gets me are the people who log in under someone else's profile, and then brag about that person letting them log in under their Facebook profile, in practically the same breath that they'd used to tell all about how they don't DO Facebook.  And they laugh about it and act like they're beating the system, and aren't they just super-smart!  Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!


You might be sitting there thinking, "What's the big deal, Zoe?  I'm not hurting anybody!  I'm not doing anything illegal!  Why do you hafta be so sensitive?  Why can't you just let me go on, not doing Facebook on my own, but using someone else's profile if they gave me permission and their login information?"

Well... here's the big deal. You're not doing anything illegal, that's true.  But what you're doing, using someone else's Facebook login information whenever you want to look in on people's online lives, it isn't right.  It's sneaky, underhanded, and dishonest.  It's one thing if they let you log in once and look around to see what the Facebook is all about, and then you either decide, 'Hey!  This isn't so bad after all!  I'm gonna sign up myself!'  or you decide 'Nope!  I don't do Facebook!'  But it's entirely another thing to use someone else's login on a repetitive basis.

It's called being a Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creeper.  And Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creepers and their Peepy Creepy Enablers are shady, and not in the nice summertime way.

It's like the Amish people and television.  They don't have televisions in their own homes.  They're pretty self-righteous about that, some of 'em.  However, it's not unusual to find Amish buggies stopped in the roads, and the Amish kids peepin' through people's windows, to see their TVs.  When I was a Really Little Kid, Mommy caught a coupla Amish boys peepin' through our living room window when it was just me, her, and our dog home alone at night, lookin' at our television through the window.  On one hand, it was sorta harmless, I guess, but it was also really, really creepy from the perspective of us, who were in the house, bein' peeped on, and those boys were lucky to get to leave the property without a paintball shot at the middle of their backs or a butt fulla rock salt outta the shotgun.  Mommy knew who those boys were, and she knows their parents, and she says she's ninety percent sure they didn't mean to be full-on Peeping Abrahms, but she said it still isn't right, lurking in the shadows, peeping through windows.

And that's what Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creepers on the Facebook are like.

What's the big deal?!

Well, lemme wanna hafta flip that question around to you, if you're a Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creeper, lurking in the shadows.  What's the big deal?!  If you're so interested in the online lives of your family and friends, what's the big deal?  Just sign up for your own free Facebook account.  You can still be a lurker, if that's the thing you're most comfortable being.  Some people are just natural lurkers.  But at least if you have your OWN Facebook profile, you're doing so, honestly.  It's more respectable than skulking around using someone else's profile.  It's more respectable than being all high and mighty about "NOT DOING FACEBOOK," and then logging in under someone else's profile.  Especially if you go around bragging that you do such a thing!

It isn't funny, Friends.  It isn't cute, Big People.  If you're a Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creeper, you aren't beating any system.  You're making yourself look sneaky, underhanded, and dishonest, plain and simple, especially if you tell people that you do it.  And if you're a Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creeper Enabler, lettin' them glom onto your Facebook profile, you're violating the trust of everybody on your Friends List. 

You're probably not the only one who does it, sure, but that doesn't make it right. If everybody you know went down to the store on the corner and stole a bottle of prune juice, would you go down to the store on the corner and steal a bottle of prune juice, too?

Big People, you have a choice.  I don't.  I HAFTA hitch a ride with Mommy for right now, because I'm not old enough to have a Facebook profile of my very own.  I'm a CHILD.  But you, Grownups, you have a choice in the matter.  You don't hafta hitch a ride on anybody's profile.  You can either do the Facebook or not do the Facebook, but let's be on the up-and-up.  If you decide that you DON'T do Facebook, then DON'T. Do. Facebook.   Just leave it alone.  You've made your choice not to be part of it, so you need to be at peace with going without knowing what goes on there. 

To put it in other terms, in case I'm being too abstract: you've been invited to be in a club that doesn't cost anything to join.  People you know are there.  They have fun.  They can be themselves there (or for some people, they can be the version of themselves there that they wanna present- whatevs!).  But you've decided that you don't wanna be in the club.  You don't want any part of it.  Except, you keep peekin' in at everybody else in the club through the window that your Enabler on the inside left open for you.  Thing of it is, you can always just join the club.

Stop logging in under someone else's profile and then tellin' people you don't do Facebook.  That makes you something worse than all of us who do openly and honestly use the Facebook.

Got it?

Well, Friends, if this post didn't pertain to you, I'm sorry you had to sit through it.  I'm sorry I had to be stern.  I just wanted to remind Big People that they set an example for Little Kids who see how they act, and I've seen this, and just couldn't keep quiet about it.  When you Big People say one thing outta one side of your mouth, and then do something completely contradictory outta the other side of your mouth, it hurts your credibility and diminishes the ability of Little Kids to respect you.  That whole "Do as I say, not as I do" bit is tired and old.  Be the change you wanna see in the world, Friends.

If you're over on the Facebook, I'll see ya there later on.  I'll see ya back here tomorrow.  If you're not over on the Facebook, that's fine.  I'll see ya back here tomorrow, as well.  But if you're so curious about what goes on over on the Facebook, just sign up for a profile of your own, darn it!  Because Mommy's got the paint-ball gun ready to surprise anybody lurkin' at the windows with, and she's started beefin' up her privacy settings to shut out Shadow-Lurking Peeping Creepers and their Enablers. 

Fair warning...

Love ya lots!  See ya tomorrow, Friends, with a happier subject!  Muah!

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Oh, Mondayish Tuesday!

I s'pose I can come out, since it isn't Monday!
Hiya, Friends!  You know, sometimes after the Holidays, I have trouble remembering what day it is. 

Today is one of those days. 

Because yes.  Yesterday didn't really feel like a Monday to me.  Today feels like a Monday.  Boyo boy, does today ever feel like a Monday.

I don't know what it is about it, Friends.  What makes one day feel like itself, or another day.  Mondays to me always kinda feel like when you're tryin' to shift your Little Pink Jeep into first, to get it rollin', and it just doesn't wanna. 

Boy, I miss my Little Pink Jeep.  Worst thing I ever did was outgrow that little vehicle.  Worst thing I ever did. 

Not because I regret growin' up, because I don't.  I get to do a buncha things now that I couldn't do when I was small enough to drive around in my Little Pink Jeep, but I was always under the impression that a bigger Little Pink Jeep would come take its place.  Maybe one that drives around under the power of its own motor.

At first, Mommy and Daddy told me that they don't make Little Pink Jeeps in my size, but then, I did some research and reconnaissance and found out that not only do they make Little Pink Jeeps in my size, powered by little engines, but they're readily available from dealerships such as Toys'R'Us, and they also come in a variety of different colors, not just pink. 

I could really see myself behind the wheel of a little Red Jeep, for instance.

Well, after I blew the lid of that particular lie of Mommy and Daddy's, that they don't make little Jeeps in my size, suddenly they changed their tune.  No longer was the reason I can't have a little Jeep of my own, in my current size, because they don't make them, but it became that we have too many drop-offs on our property, and they don't want me driving over a steep hill. 

Well, you know what?!  There's plenty of drop-offs and steep hills out in LIFE, and I see Mommy and Daddy can manage to keep our cars from drivin' over 'em.  I don't know why they assume that because I'm three, I'm a reckless, moronic menace to society. 

Quite the contrary, actually.  I am an enthusiastic adherent to traffic rules- red means STOP!  Yella means PROCEED WITH CAUTION!!!  I'd take GOOD care of a little Jeep that's just my size.  I'd get out my little squirt-bottle of water, and my microfibre cloth and wipe down my little Jeep every time I drive it to where it's going, just like when we go to car shows and I detail the outside of one of the AMCs. 

But no matter how lucid my arguments and entreaties are for a little Jeep all my size, they're met with a whole lotta attitude from my Mommy and Daddy, and all's I can do is blame it on Tuesdays that feel like Mondays. 

Or something like that. 

Friends, I'll see ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Monday, April 6, 2015

Sugar Rush and the Truth About Jelly Beans

As it turns out, jelly beans are NOT legumes; they're candy!  How about that?!
Hiya, Friends!  How's your Monday treatin' ya?

If ya guessed I'm back at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital, you would be correct.  I'm doin' my rounds.  Treatin' my patients.  Helpin' 'em feel better.

Boy, you know what? We're up to our ears in patients presenting with symptoms of Sugar Rush today. 

It would appear that some unscrupulous misinformed little person advised a whole buncha people that jelly beans are legumes and ought to be consumed in hearty portions, alongside Chocolate Easter Bunny Hot Chocolate with Marshmella Peep and Reddi Wip Garnish. 

What's more, that misinformed little person was listened to, and now my colleagues and I are busier than we've been since the Doldrums back in February.


I wouldn't be a doctor worth my weight in smellin' salts if I didn't make this right.  Friends, as it turns out, jelly beans aren't legumes.  I repeat, they are NOT legumes, despite the misleading inclusion of the surname 'bean.'  As it turns out, they share more of their DNA with the 'jelly' part, and jelly beans are candy, not vegetables.  Therefore, I strongly advise a moderate hand when you're doling yourself out some delicious, delicious jelly beans henceforth.

Also, apparently the black jelly beans do NOT put hair on your chest.  So if that was a concern to you like it was to me, you don't hafta be worried about that.  The worst that'll happen to ya for eatin' black jelly beans is that your mouth and teeth might turn an inky hue for a little while.  You can always rinse your mouth out with a little plain water to help with that.

You know, with the gaffes I've made recently, I could lose my confidence and turn all agoraphobic, but I'm not gonna.  They call it a medical 'practice,' not a medical 'get it right all the time, every time,' so I'll just chalk all this up to it bein' a learning experience.  It's comforting to know that even though now that I'm an attending doctor of humorous healing here at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital, I'm still encouraged and expected to keep on learnin'.  Learnin's sort of my jam.

All right, Big People.  Again.  Exercise caution around all the Easter candy today.  And if you do wind up with a mild case of Sugar Rush, you can try treating it at home by grabbing a dusting cloth and some Pledge and getting a little housework done while the extra burst of energy lasts.

I love ya lots, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to you, Friends!
Well, hiya, Big People!  Happy Easter to you! 

You know, where I live, the weather at Eastertime can be fairly fractious, and today's no exception.  I could get all mad about it, get all disgusted that I can't wear a frilly little lace dress and sandals for Easter, unless I wanna be a Zoecicle, but what I've decided to do instead is just roll with it.

If ya think about it the right way, Easter candy affords the very kind of versatility I need, to maintain a good attitude. 

Why, sure.  Bear with me, and I'll tell ya all about it!

In years when Easter's a warmer, sunny day that does allow for the wearin' of frilly little lace dresses and sandals, chocolate bunnies and marshmella Peeps are excellent for eatin' just the way they are.  And jelly beans?  Heck, jelly beans round out the meal by adding a much-needed colorful legume component to the festive fare.

Yes, jelly beans are legumes.  Other beans like butterbeans and kidney beans and garbanzo beans are legumes, therefore, so are jelly beans.  They say 'beans' right in their name, so they must be related, even if only by the coattails.  Try to keep up, Big People, and not interrupt so much.  It derails my entire Easter Train of Thought!

On these cold Easters, though, that same chocolate bunny is simply divine, melted down and mixed with a little milk and extra sugar, to make a wonderful hot cocoa.  Then whatchya do is float a couple-three... make that a whole four-pack of marshmella Peeps up on top- I like the white ones best for this purpose, but you can choose any color you want- and there ya have it.  Festive Eastertime hot chocolate!

If you really want your hot beverage to reflect the type of weather that's happening outside, take a can of Reddi Wip and garnish the heck outta that hot chocolate.  Make it look like a giant cuppa snow-bank.

And of course, you wanna eat your legumes, even if - nay, especially if it's cold outside.  So help yourself to your jelly beans.

How about that, Big People?  Don't delay!  Skedaddle over to your Easter basket and get cookin' your cocoa!  It isn't gettin' any warmer today!

I love ya lots!  I'll be seein' ya tomorrow!  Happy Easter, Friends!

Saturday, April 4, 2015

800 Posts!

Eight-hundred posts!  That's practically a bazillion!
Hiya, Friends!  Do you know what you're lookin' at?

What's that? 

You think you're lookin' at a Little Kid with questionable fashion sense?  Very funny, and that's some big talk comin' from a Big Person in a Cheetos-stained Cardigans T-shirt.  No amount of Studio Magic is gonna make them better live singer, or get those stains out.  You might better retire that shirt and go get yourself something nice, like a Led Zeppelin Tshirt and hold the neon orange cheese.

Anyways, no.  You're lookin' at the eight-hundredth post of The Daily Zoe Blog!  Isn't that something?

I feel like there oughtta be some sort of celebration.  Maybe a cake?  Or, perhaps we oughtta get an eight-hundred number to celebrate.  Do people still use those?  800 numbers?  I feel like if I had a toll-free number, I will have really arrived.  And that's so nice of the telephone company to pay the tolls for the toll-free number.

What's that?

You're kidding me.  You mean to tell me that if someone were to call my 800 number, which is touted as toll-free, I would end up footing the bill for telephone charges? ... Then why is it called 'toll-free?' ... Because it's toll-free to the caller, not the callee.  Well then, what prevents an unscrupulous person from calling the same 800 number over and over again to visit with the operator about their bunions, just to run up an enormous telephone tab for the holder of the 800 number?  What's to prevent that sort of thing from occurring? ... Well, that's just... It isn't like you can CONTROL who calls you on the phone!

Okay.  I don't want an 800 number in celebration of my 800th blog post.  But I DO want a big purple cowboy hat to go with my big purple tutu-skirt, so I guess you could say I have some serious shopping to do, Big People!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Friday, April 3, 2015

Director of Donut Development!

Good-bye, TPS Reports!  Hello, Donut Development!
Well, hiya, Big People!  It's me, Zoe!

Hey, remember that big flap I was in, over April Fool's Day, and remember how I was still talkin' about it yesterday, on accounta how I was dragged into Human Resources?

Well, even though I still regretted nothing about my actions on April Fool's Day, I decided that if my company didn't have my back when I needed someone to stand up for me on April Fool's Day, I didn't need to be sittin' in a department, fillin' out TPS Reports for them.  So do you know what I did?

If you guessed that I found a vulnerability in the building's public address system and played "Take This Job and Shove It" by Johnny Paycheck and then announced "Zoe out!" over the microphone, then you'd be oddly specific and correct in your guess. 

Because that's just what I did.

I quit.

Who says this kid doesn't have a great sense of humor and maybe a bit of a criminal streak.  I prefer to think of it as an opportunistic side- I mean, if the Company didn't want its security vulnerabilities exploited, they hadn't ought to have such vulnerabilities- amIright?

Anyway, this is not a sad end to my tale, Friends.  I'm still gonna be here, every day.  I'm still gonna be doing my picture show over on the Facebook.  The only different thing is that I've filled out my last TPS Report for the Company.  In fact, my whole entire department has filled out their last TPS Reports.

After I quit, I went down to Donut Dude's and sat there at his counter, tellin' him what I did, and I was tryin' to keep myself all psyched up, because by the time I got to Donut Dude's, I kinda thought what I'd done was pretty darned crazy. 

Well, it was, when you really think about it, isn't it?  That whole thing with the PA system?  My haters might have a point about the whole criminal mastermind component to my personality...

But my friend Donut Dude listened to me, and brought me donuts, and offered me a job at his place.  At first I said I didn't wanna run the drive-thru window again, because that was really crazy-busy the day I helped him out, and I was really stressed out!  As it turns out, though, Donut Dude is a much bigger deal than I thought he was.  He has lotsa Donut Dude stores.  There's his DonutMobile donut trucks.  Donuts on Demand service for events.

And to think I thought Donut Dude lived under a bridge, or maybe in the backa his store on the corner. 

Anyways, Donut Dude said what he had in mind for me was far beyond the drive-thru window, and that was really terrifying, BUT.  I am now the Director of Donut Development at Donut Dude's, and he let me go hire a buncha my friends from my old department at the Company to come work in my Donut Development Department!  How about that?!  So I went and poached hired all my friends.  I didn't wanna be greedy, so I left Mitch from Accounting and Gretchen from Receivables. 

Take that, Company!

So in a way, I've come kinda full-circle while I've come a long ways from when I got my start, fetching donuts for my department, three years ago.  Donut Dude has come a long ways, too.  He'd run out of donuts that day, but he has never run out of donuts since.

I'm excited about my Future, Friends.  I'm excited to get to go to work at a place that's fun.  I really respect and like Donut Dude.  He said my criminal mastermind tendencies are really a manifestation of my under-used and under-appreciated creativity, and it's mis-firing.  But working with him, I'll be able to channel that creativity and that energy, and not waste a minute filling out reports that nobody knows what they're for.

Well, that's my day.  I'd better skedaddle.  I have a meeting with my new department.  Donut Dude has set us up with a brand new giant Post-It pad and an easel, so we can brain-storm.  We're all so excited.  I know this is a really good move. 

Plus, since Donut Dude's headquarters is in the building right across the street from the Company, Sabretooth has already gone to the windows facing our old work and given 'em the moon.  Who the heck even knew Donut Dude had a headquarters building?!  This is sucha crazy day!

I'll be seein' ya tomorrow, Friends!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

I Regret Nothing!

I am no fool, April or otherwise!
Well, hiya, Friends!  Happy Thursday to you!  Did you survive all the April Fools Day madness?  I sure did.  I got called back into Human Resources again today, for a scolding for how I made the building cold and dry yesterday, but I regret nothing. 

I regret nothing!

I got kinda tired of bein' everybody's fool yesterday.  I was feelin' ganged-up on.  I couldn't help but notice that nobody else had rubber pencils on their desk insteadda regular pencils.  I saw that everyone else's computer screen was right-side up while mine was upside-down.  Nobody else was called to a meeting beside the pool on the roof that doesn't exist, and there was no meeting, besides.  Nobody else got told that the mail room had been turned into a Donut Distribution Center.

I think that was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, on accounta by the time they sent me down to the mail room with the promise that I'd get some donuts, I really needed a donut.  Or a good friend.  And I didn't get either one.  And they picked on me when I bawled.

I tried to tell the People In Charge, and they didn't listen.  They said I needed a better sense of humor.  Big People, you've met me.  I have a GREAT sense of humor!  I just don't like to be everybody's April Fool.

Well, today the co-workers that were making me such an April Fool yesterday are calling me a 'Criminal Mastermind' today.  That isn't what I'm all about at all!  Criminal mastermind, indeed.

Listen.  Nobody got hurt when I turned the temperature and humidity way down in the building, Friends.  People got plenty uncomfortable, but nobody got hurt.  I don't play that way, hurting people.  Hurting their feelings.  I just needed to get their attention.  Hey.  I'm a human being with feelings.  Just because I'm a little human being, that doesn't mean my feelings are any less than Big People's feelings. 

I regret nothing, Big People. 

I'm glad we're still friends, Friends.  I love ya lots.  I'll see ya tomorrow.  Muah!

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

April Fools!

FYI: They didn't turn the mailroom into a donut distribution center.
Well, hiya, Big People!

Hey.  Didja know today's April Fool's Day?  Well, it is, and I haven't been this annoyed since Joe Camel started coming around on Wednesdays, asking everybody what day it was. 

Remember how I didn't usedta like Joe Camel back when he first started coming around?  Remember how he'd annoy me, and I'd go hide in the Ladies' Room so I wouldn't hafta talk to him, and then I got to know him, and he's really cool, but he's gone to work on one of Donut Dude's Mobile Donut Units, so he doesn't have time to go around asking all of us what day it is.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah!  That's right! 

It's April Fools Day, and I am more annoyed than I'd get when Joe Camel would wear out his jokes. 

I've gotten had so many times today on stupid April Fools Day stuff that I can't even count the times I've been had.  It's crazy.

First, when I just got in to the office today, I was told there was a meeting beside the pool on the roof, continental breakfast provided, so I went on up.  Guess what.  Not only was there no meeting up on the roof, and no continental breakfast, there's also not a pool up there. 

So I was struck with a triple-whammy, right off the bat.  Yeah, yeah.  Zoe's an April Fool!  Hahahahahahahahahaha... ugh.

Then somebody switched all my pencils on my desk to fake rubber pencils.  I went to write with one, and it was all wobbly and it didn't write.  Hahahaha!  April Fool!  They sure got me good.

The next thing that happened to me today was that I was told that I had to go talk to Human Resources, because somebody filed a complaint against me.  I wasn't sure what I could possibly have done or said to make somebody file a complaint about me to Human Resources, but when you're told you've gotta go to Human Resources, you go.  So I went, and by the time I got there, I was pretty whipped up and worried, so when they jumped out and said "April Fool!  Hahahahahaha!  We got you good!"

I ended up tellin' them all where they could stick their rubber pencils, and it wasn't up their noses.

Well, I guess everybody could tell that I'd had Enough of all this, so they attempted to make amends with me by giving me a gift certificate to the new Donut Distribution Center in the newly converted old mail room.

Granted, I was dubious, on accounta when I came into the building today, I walked in with some friends who work in the mail room, and none of them mentioned that the mail room had been converted to a Donut Distribution Center.  Also, I was just there yesterday, and it was still a mail room.  But a gift certificate for donuts is a gift certificate for donuts, so down to the mail room I went, and I'll tell ya, I really was kind of excited about havin' a donut and a Bambinoccino after the way my day today has been going. 

And do you know what I saw when I got there?  Envelopes and envelopes and mail carts and mail bags, but no donuts.  I thought maybe it was in a corner and I just wasn't seein' it, so I asked the mail room manager, and showed my gift certificate, and as it turns out, there is no Donut Distribution Center in the mail room, and I also got all bawled out for botherin' the mail room manager with a prank. 

It wasn't even my prank!

So guess what I did.  I humped up and bawled, right there in the mail room.  Right the heck in front of everybody.  I didn't want to.  I told myself I wouldn't.  And then when it started happening, I told myself 'Don't you dare cry in front of these people, Zoe!' 

As it turns out, I listen to myself about as well as I listen to Mommy, and now that I see how bad it is when I don't listen, I have a lot more sympathy for the old broad when I'm doing my own thing.  But that's off-topic.

I bawled and left the mail room.  The mail room manager just doesn't have time for that kinda drama, he said, and my friends who work in the mail room had mail to sort.  So I went up to Human Resources and asked them to put a stop to the April Fools tomfoolery, since I appear to be singled out for such hijinxery.  I was told I need a better sense of humor. 

So anyways, after all that, I may or may not have given the fellas in Maintenance actual cash-money to go buy themselves something nice at Donut Dude's and sit down for a spell, because those fellas work too darn hard anyways, and after they left, I might or might not have sat down at the Mainframe and set all the climate control units in the building from "Really Cold and Dry April First" settings to "Exceedingly Hot and Humid Middle of August" settings, and the settings are set to last until tomorrow at four AM, so the building can get warmed back up in time for work to start tomorrow. 

So now I'm at Donut Dudes.  I'm gonna spend the day here with the fellas from the Maintenance Department.  We're still havin' April Fools Day pranks here, but it's the kind where somebody says 'Hey, look at that man with a deer-head who just walked in!' and then when ya look, they say 'April Fools!'  They aren't mean to anybody when they pull their April Fools Day pranks. 

So that's that, Friends.  Sometimes, you've gotta just stand up for yourself.  That's what this kid did today.  I'll be seein' ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots!  Be nice, if you're pulling pranks today!  Muah!