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Sunday, November 27, 2016

An Elvish Conspiracy

I have in my hand an Elvish Spy!
Hiya, Big People!  How are you this Sunday?

Well, ya know, it's that time of year when all over the country, Little Kids' homes are bein' invaded by elves purportedly sent to spy on them by the Big Man in Red: Santa Claus Himself.

I have it on the authority of S.C.Himself that the Shelf Elf Intelligence Agency is not an organization sanctioned by the North Pole Nation.  They DID usedta work for Santa, but they all went rogue.

The situation now is that there's an entire legion of rogue Elf-Spies in Little Kids' homes, intimidating Little Kids into bein' havin' here during the Holiday Season, for if the Little Kids act up, the word is the Elves report straight to Santa Claus Himself, and from there S.C. Himself puts said Little Kid on the Naughty List and brings that kid underwear and socks for Christmas and no toys.

Santa Claus Himself has told me that this just isn't the way he operates.  He tried this punitive system back in the Twentieth Century, for a time, but he realized that sometimes Little Kids act out not because they're naughty, but because they're tired, bored, overwhelmed, overscheduled, or lookin' for attention from increasingly preoccupied parents, among other things.  Santa Claus Himself has told me that there's no such thing as a naughty Little Kid, only Good Little Kids who act naughty sometimes.  And in his extensive research over the centuries, he's learned that even Little Kids with naughtier tendencies have good hearts in 'em, and that sometimes, showin' 'em a little love, givin' 'em a little kindness at Christmas can plant niceness in their hearts.  But conversely, a Little Kid who's gotten tired and acted out sometimes just can't catch a break.

The way Santa Claus sees it, Christmas comes around once a year.  One month outta the year for strictly adhering to an elf-induced, intimidation-based behavior plan isn't enough to foment real long-term behavior habits in a Little Kid.  There needs to be consistency the whole year through.  So no, Santa Claus Himself is NOT supportive of the SEIA or its activities and practices.

So who is it that the Elves on Shelves report to?  Who are they in cahoots with, Friends?  Well, I'll tell ya, but you'd better sit down, buckle up, and hang onto your hats.

Friends, they're in cahoots with Parents.  Parents themselves employ the SEIA to rat-fink on their VERY OWN KIDS!   And it has to stop!

Not to worry.  I have a plan.  If you're a Little Kid and you see an Elf on the Shelf member of the rogue spy agency SEIA in your very house, keepin' an eye on ya, you capture that Elf and incarcerate the Elf in a safe, secure spot in your home, where the Elf cannot see you, but not where the Elf is suffering.  Maybe put in a little television set for the Elf to be entertained by, but not a "smart" one the Elf can use to alert an extraction team or anything.  Of course, provide comfort facilities for your Elvish prisoner, perhaps a nice little kitchenette so the Elf can prepare his or her own meals for the duration of the Holiday Season.  Certainly provide a little food for the Elf.  And then after the Christmas Season, send the Elf back to the SEIA.

You will have taken the SEIA Agent Elf out of the game for the entire Holiday Season, so he or she cannot spy on you or any other Little Kids for the duration, and also, because you showed the Elf such kindness, you may well could turn the Elf around to bein' on the side of the Little Kids.

Fight the power, Little Kids!  Fight the power!

Big People, I still love ya lots, but I've gotta side with my people right now.  Learn from us!  Muah!

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