Circumstances Beyond My Control

I'm not going away forever!  I'm just havin' Internet Problems!

Hiya, Friends!  Hey.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I'm going on a vacation from the Internet.  Our Satellite modem has met an untimely end.  At the worst, I think I'll be gone for a week.  If Mommy and Daddy can't find an alternate means of Interwebbing our house, there'll be someone out here on Monday the Seventh to fix the equipment. 

I just wanted you to know there was a reason you might hear from me over the next few days.  I didn't wantchya thinkin' I've flaked out on my Web Log again.  I'm not gonna do that! 

Guess I'd better take up a new hobby for the next few days!

I just wish things worked the way they were supposed to, and companies provided prompt repair services.

Okay, Friends!  I love ya!  And I'll have a lot to ketchup with ya, when we get this situation straightened out!  See you soon!  Muah!

I Don't Wanna Run a Lemonade Stand!

What does a little kid hafta do to generate an income stream?

Hiya, Friends!  Well, I've gotta tell ya, despite my best presentation and point-making, there is still no Cupcake ATM in my possession.

It makes me wonder what a little kid has to do in order to generate a stream of income.  What do Mommy and Daddy think I ought to do?  Set up a lemonade stand at the end of the driveway? 

I mean, I have nothing against lemonade.  I like it okay.  But I LOVE cupcakes!  I could move some cupcakes!  I could sell cupcakes like a champ, even from an ATM!

Lemonade stands are so last-century.  So, so last-century.

I would use strategic advertising.  I'd put a picture of a delicious cupcake on the side of each Cupcake ATM of mine.  I would make posters telling people they could buy cupcakes from my Cupcake ATMs. 

I would have stickers made up to come out of the Cupcake ATM with the cupcake in the boxes.  It'd be a sticker that my Cupcake ATM customers could peel offa it's backing, and stick on their shirt, or maybe their notebook or computer... anywhere to remind them that they can come visit the Cupcake ATM any time.  An advertising gift-with-purchase!  And if people had a lot of stickers from buying a lot of cupcakes, I could make different designs, so they'd be collectible, but if somebody already collected them all, they could give them to friends, so that their friends would know about my Cupcake ATMs, too!

It just seems right, you know, Friends?  Me bein' a cupcake salesperson? 

I mean, do you know anybody more passionate about cupcakes than me, Friends? 

I need a Cupcake ATM, and a Cupcake ATM needs me!

Well, I hope there are more people out there who are passionate about cupcakes.  Maybe not so passionate as to want a chain of their own Cupcake ATMs, but passionate enough to wanna shop at a Cupcake ATM any time of the day, any day of the week.

I think there are.  I mean, if you'll buy a candy bar from a machine, why not a cupcake? 

Friends, I NEED a Cupcake ATM!  The Cupcake ATMs need me!  I can't get this whipped up over lemonade!  I'm not even a lemonade drinker!  I don't know good lemonade from imposter lemonade!  But I know my cupcakes!  Yes, I sure as heck do!

I'm gonna keep workin' on this, Friends.  And I'll see ya tomorrow!  Love ya lots!  Muah!

Happy Birthday, Daddy!

I think Daddy needs a Cupcake ATM.

Friends!  Hiya!  It's my Daddy's birthday today!  How about that?!

What I really wanted for Daddy's birthday was for him to put on the sparkly "Happy Birthday" tiara I got for my birthday, and to be in some pictures with me, but he said no, so that's a little disappointing.  It's Daddy's day, though.  If it were my birthday, and somebody were trying to make me wear something I didn't wanna hafta wear, I wouldn't like it, so I just backed off from this one.

There's something missing here on Daddy's birthday, though, and that something is a Cupcake ATM.  I think Daddy could really use one of those.  Think of how convenient it'd be today, on my Daddy's birthday, if we had one of those Cupcake ATMs.  We could all take our monies, give it to the machine, and each get the very kind of cupcake we'd like to eat, insteadda all having to eat what Daddy wants (carrot cake).  Me?  I'm thinking today feels like a Red Velvet kind of day, but Daddy doesn't like Red Velvet very much.  He likes Carrot Cake.  Cake made from snowman boogies, if ya ask me. 

I'm only thinkin' of Daddy, wishin' we had a Cupcake ATM today.  I just want him to be happy with his cake choice without makin' the rest of us suffer with it and then havin' him feel all guilty because he picked Carrot Cake.  I'm just tryin' to save Daddy's feelings.  Nobody should hafta feel guilty on their birthday for making everybody eat cake that Zoe doesn't like.  I mean that only they like.

Ummmmmm.....

What I mean to say is that I love my Daddy and I'm sure as heck glad that it's his birthday! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!

A Cupcake ATM!

A 24-hour Cupcake ATM?

Friends!  I just heard the most extraordinary thing!  In New York City, they have this magical machine that dispenses cupcakes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  It's like an ATM of cupcakes.  Or... well, I guess a vending machine that dispenses cupcakes!

I like the idea of a Cupcake ATM better, though.  I mean, how COOL is that?!  Check it out right here!

You know how much I love cupcakes, Friends!  And sometimes I DO wake up in the middle of the night, wishing I had a cupcake right then.  The people who wrote that article I sent you to were skeptical that people on the Upper East Side would want a cupcake at all hours of the dayernight, but I would LOVE to have a machine right around the corner from me that dispensed cupcakes if I gave it money!

Why, I'd even love to have a machine like that on my very own porch!

Why does New York City get all the fun?

Friends, I just had a GREAT idea!  I could contact this Sprinkles Bakery and inquire about how I could adopt a Cupcake ATM of my very own, to have on my very own porch!  Why should New York City have all the fun, anyway?  There's probably some place in that city that sells cupcakes 24 hours a day, but here where I live, the sidewalks get rolled up and brought inside as soon as the chickens go to roost and the cows come home. 

Not only can we NOT get cupcakes 24 hours a day, we hafta plan ahead if we're gonna go to the store to buy ingredients to make our own cupcakes.  It just seems like life would be so much sweeter and more fun if only we could approach a machine, give it our money, and have it give us any kind of cupcake we want.  You get to pick via a touch-screen. 

If I could adopt one of these magical marvels of modern machinery for my very own, Friends, you can bet I wouldn't hog all the cupcakes for myself.  I really wouldn't!  I'd let anybody who wanted to feed the machine money in exchange for a cupcake purchase a cupcake from my Cupcake ATM.  I really would. 

Why, I wouldn't stop at just one Cupcake ATM.  I have a vision, Big People.  I have a vision of a Cupcake ATM in every village and small town in my area... a couple-three Cupcake ATMs in a larger smaller town.  And all of them being brought to us by .... ME!

Perhaps someday, I could own a chain of Cupcake ATMs!

I betchya if I had a string of Cupcake ATMs, I'd be able to save up enough money for one of those PowerWheelz I've been lookin' at. I could even have a cupcake decal put on it, to advertise my Cupcake ATMs.

Friends, I've gotta go.  I've got a presentation to put together about Cupcake ATMs.  I've gotta show how this would be a sound investment, so I can ask my investors (Mommy and Daddy) to front me some cash so I can buy my first Cupcake ATM.  I'd better get the dang ol' PowerPoint fired up!

I'll see ya tomorrow!  Until then, be thinking about how wonderful it would be to get a hankerin' for cupcakes, and just go to a Cupcake ATM insteadda driving around all over the place, trying to find a bakery, especially in the middle of the night.  This is revolutionary, Friends!  And I love ya lots!  Muah!

Time Travel Unravel

Nah.  I don't know what the heck day it is.

Hiya, Friends!  Happy... What day is it?  I'm really not sure.  I've been all mixed up all week.  On Sunday, I wasn't sure whether it was Saturday or Sunday.  I was disappointed to learn it was Sunday indeed.  Not that I have anything against Sundays, really, but I spent the whole day thinking it was Saturday, so it was kind of a bucket of ice water down my back to realize that it was actually Sunday.

Especially since I didn't realize it was Sunday until I got up from my nap.

Boy, that kind of thing stinks.  Not because I have anywhere to be on Monday,  but because my Daddy does have to go to work on Mondays.

You see, I just have more fun when Daddy's around.  When Daddy's here, I get bubblebaths.  Real, honest-to-goodness bubblebaths, not those half-hearted plain-water-with-bubblebath-solution-squirted-in-as-an-afterthought baths that Mommy tries to pass off as bubblebaths.

Um, I don't know.  It feels like Tuesday to me. 

When Daddy's home, he makes me pancakes.  I LOVE pancakes.  Mommy says she doesn't wanna make me pancakes through the week because she wants 'em to be a special treat on the weekend, but I suspect it's just because Mommy's lazy.  Daddy's not lazy!  He cooks me pancakes and eggs and bacon!

When Daddy's home, sometimes we go on adventures, and when we're out on adventures, I get to eat in restaurants and skip my nap!  I love eating in restaurants and skipping my nap!

See?  When Daddy's around, it's just better.  So you can imagine my chagrin when I realized late on Sunday that it was not Saturday as I thought it was, but indeed, Sunday. 

Anyway, Monday arrived like it always does, and I got up and didn't mind it too bad, and then halfway through my bath, I decided I didn't want it to be Monday.  Can you relate, Friends? 

Wanna hear the kicker?  It's felt like Tuesday to me all three days this week!

Mommy said I couldn't just decide that I didn't want it to be Monday and have it stop being Monday, and you know how Mommies are about just ruining everything.  You know how Little Kids love being told their Mommies aren't gonna change the day of the week for them.  For us.

I'm so mixed up on what day it is that I don't even know which person to write this post in, Friends!  I'm all over the place: First, Second, and Third!  If there were a Fourth Person, I'd be writing in that, too!  And now I'm wondering what Fourth Person could be!

Monday just stunk like last Thursday's garbage, though, Friends.  I was glad to see it come to an end (after a Good Fight before bed, of course.  Skippin' the Good Fight before bed after a day like Monday was is poor form.)

So it IS Thursday?!?!  Thank ya, Lordie!

Tuesday came along, and it was a lot better.  I got to see my cousins that I haven't seen in a while.  I sure like those kids!  They're so much fun!  I got to eat birthday cake! 

Thingofitis, I thought all day Tuesday that it was Wednesday.  I really did.  Until I heard some guy on the radio in the Jeep say that it was Tuesday.  Whaaaaaaat?

But here's the real kicker to this whole situation.  All day yesterday, I thought it was Tuesday.  I even greeted everyone on my Facebook picture-show as though it was Tuesday.  One of Mommy's friends corrected us and said "It's Wednesday!" 

Boyoboyoboy!

Sometimes I don't know sic'em from come here, Friends, and this week, I didn't know what the heck day we were on.  But it's Thursday.  It's Thurs "Tomorrow's Friday" day!  That's just the greatest!

I'm gonna call today "Thank the Lawdie, It's Thursday!!!" Thursday!

The only thing I can say that has messed me up so much on what day it is would hafta be the recent switch from Standard Time to Daylight Saving Time.  Yes, I'm still talking about the Time Change.

I think our Time-Travel has made me wanna hafta unravel!

Hahaha!

I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends.  It'll be Friday!  I'll remember, because I'm stickin' a post-it note up where I can see it!  Okay!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

My Patient and My Friend

Sabretooth is my patient AND my friend!

Hiya, Friends!  You know, at my residency at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital, I see all kindsa patients, and I do my best to help them all regain the ability to laugh and smile and just feel better.  Sometimes, though, I see my very own friends come through the automatic doors, and for them, I really work hard to make sure they get to laughing and smiling and feeling better again. 

My pal Sabretooth is one of those people, someone who's one of my best friends, and also one of my patients. 

Oh, don't worry.  The HIPPO people aren't going to come take away my Laughter Practitioner License or send us to jail for a HIPPO violation.  Sabretooth said I could tell you.

What's that? ... It isn't HIPPO I'm not violating, because I've got permission from my patient to talk about his case? ... Well, what IS it that we're not violating today? ... PIPPA?  Isn't that Kate Middleton's sister?  Pippa?  I kind of like that name.  ... WHAT IS IT THEN?  SPELL IT FOR ME! .... Oh!  HIPPA!

Don't worry.  Sabretooth signed release forms.

Well, nuts.  I liked it better when it was HIPPO.

Anyway, it isn't a problem, because like I said before we got into all that about HIPPO and PIPPA and whatnot, Sabretooth said I could talk about how he's been feelin' kinda down lately, and how he's bein' helped at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital.

The day Sabretooth came to the hospital, I was workin' in the Emergency Room, and although I wasn't surprised to see him come dragging his tail through the doors, it made my own heart sink.  You know, Sabretooth's usually so good at stayin' upbeat through hard times- the "No Goal" call of 1999, the Lockouts, the ownership changes- that I thought maybe, just maybe, my pal Sabretooth could make it through this season without his spirit hitting the floor. 

As it turns out, Sabretooth's only human.  Or is he a big kitty? ... As it turns out, Sabretooth's only an anthropomorphic person-sized sabretooth tiger in a Sabres jersey, and like anyone else finding themselves in a Sabres jersey this season, 'Tooth finally couldn't rise above the record and the stats, and the NBC Sports guys who are all terminal sufferers of Jerkface anyway.  And he came to St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital for some help.

Sabretooth's spirits were pretty low, so we started him on a constant stream of Ellen.  She is one hilarious lady, that Ellen!  That got Sabretooth remembering what it's like to smile and laugh, but we were far from done.  Then we had Sabretooth watch Elf, which is some funny stuff, and also some funnier clips from Saturday Night Live.  Once Sabretooth was able to handle that much funny, we switched him over to a steady diet of "Slapshot."  We also threw in some "This Is Spinal Tap," because Sabretooth likes that movie.

I love to help my patients and my friends and my patient-friends!

Finally, once his spirits were raised out of the Critically Low zone, we were able to perform a Spirit Lift on him.  You can't just do a Spirit Lift, just like that, Friends.  When someone's really, really sad like Sabretooth was (have you SEEN what's been going on at First Niagara Center this year, Friends?), you can't just go in there, thinking you can do a Spirit Lift and have everything be okay.  You've gotta be patient, and let the treatment follow its course.

I'm happy to say that Sabretooth's Spirit Lift went really well, and he's doing great in his post-op Laughupational Therapy.  It's so good to see the smile back in his eyes, Friends. 

So that's why I do what I do.  I get to help people like Sabretooth learn to laugh again.  I get to lift spirits. 

I get to watch funny movies and stand-up comedians on my rounds and for training purposes!

I love ya a lot, Friends!  And I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Three-Quarters of a Year Away

Didja notice that today's the Twenty-Fifth, Friends?

Hiya, Friends!  Hey, don't get mad at me for pointing it out.  I'm just bringing your attention to the obvious. 

Didja notice that today is the twenty-fifth of the month?  Do you know what that means? 

IT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE NINE SHOPPIN' MONTHS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!

Christmas is only three-quarters of a year away!

I know that makes you Big People all kindsa mad to hear about Christmas when Spring hasn't even really sprung yet.  But don't think I'm trying to make a bummer outta the Summer or kicking Fall over the wall. 

No!  In fact, I'm all about enjoying Spring.  I've been sayin' for weeks how I can't wait for the grass to green up.  I can't wait to see the blossoms come out on the trees.

Christmas is gonna come anyway, Friends.  I'm just sayin'...

I'm really looking forward to being too hot in the Summer, too.  It's going to be so much fun to get to swim in my Mushroom Pool again.  In the summertime, I get to see Aunt Colleen and Uncle Lorentz more than I get to see 'em in the other seasons.  Plus, my birthday's right at the tail enda the Summer, so do you really think that I wanna rush through the Summer?  No way!

And the Fall.  I love the Fall!  The air gets crisp again!  We get Halloween and Thanksgiving in the Fall!  I love those things!  I love the Fall!

So I'm not tryin' to rush through anything by pointing out that today is the Twenty-Fifth of the Month.  I'm not suggesting that we motor through these next three-quarters of a year, just to get to Christmas again. 

I'm just saying that Christmas is going to get here anyway.  In nine months.  So.  Here's what I propose.  We go about our business through the year like we do.  We enjoy Spring, Summer, and Fall.  But.  The whole time we're enjoying Spring, Summer, and Fall, we keep our eyes open for things our loved ones would like, and we buy 'em and wrap 'em up and put 'em in the attic with the Christmas stuff, and then, when its Christmastime again, we just go get all those things, and our job for the Holiday Season is that much easier. 

You can be prepared for Christmas by keeping an eye out for presents throughout the year!

Maybe you Big People could get to enjoy the Holidays as much as my people do, then!  How does that sound, Friends? 

Wouldn't it be nice for us to all get to enjoy the holidays?  The holidays that are just three-quarters of a year away?

Awwwwwww, are ya still mad at me?  It's okay, Big People.  I love ya just the same.  I love ya lots.  Smile!  Smile, Friends! 

Muah!

Hallo, Spring...G'bye, Jerkface!

It's still cold, but at least the sun makes it feel springier!

Hiya, Friends!  My, you're looking nice today on this Monday! (Psssst!  Do you remember how to respond to this?  Click here to refresh your memory!)

There!  Wasn't that nice?  Doesn't that feel good, to receive a compliment here on this Monday?

And how about the weather this weekend?  It wasn't exactly warm, but it sure was sunny!  It's been sucha long time since we've had that many sunny days in a row that I can't even remember when the last time was. 

Now that it's getting all nice and sunny, and we're at least feeling like warmer temperatures are on their way, I sure hope that people's attitudes start warmin' up, too.  I really do, Friends.

Did YOU happen to notice all the ugliness and kookiness going around this winter?  Did you get bitten by someone experiencing excessive ugliness and kookiness?  I think all of us were affected by it, whether we were ugly and kooky ourselves, or whether we got bitten by somebody who was ugly and kooky.

Really, if you get bitten by someone who's ugly and kooky, the odds are high that you're gonna be ugly and kooky to somebody, sooner or later.  It happens to all of us.  The technical term for somebody who's ugly and kooky (attitude-wise, mind you-we're talkin' about an ugly and kooky attitude) is "Jerkface."

No, really!  That's the technical term for it.  Look it up!  You have a computer!  Or you can just take my word for it.  Jerkfaces are everywhere, and they're kind of a pathetic lot, because somewhere along the way, they were probably just regular people who got pushed around one too many times by another Jerkface, and they've just decided never to step back into the Land of the NonJerkfaces, so they go around, biting other normal people, trying to make them into PermaJerkfaces, just like them.

Misery loves company, and nobody's more miserable than a Jerkface.

I hope the Spring chases away the widespread cases of Jerkface I observated over the winter!

And the environment that most incipient Jerkfaces thrive most in are dark, rainy, cold, wintry days.  It's as though the weather validates their Jerkface mood, and their Jerkface mood validates the weather.  That's the weather that makes Jerkface so easy to spread, much like the flu.

Unlike the flu, though, there isn't a shot you can get to prevent Jerkface from descending upon you.  All the gettin' better is on you to do, if you're bitten by a Jerkface.

Before you think the situation is hopeless, there are ways to cure Jerkface.  Not with medicine.  With your attitude.  When you find yourself bitten by a Jerkface, you can let it really get to you.  And Jerkfaces will really try to make you let it get to you.  If they don't getchya the first time they say or do something mean or rude or thoughtless, they'll definitely be back in a coupla seconds.  They'll be meaner, ruder, thoughtlesser.  They'll bring their Jerkface friends- or maybe I should say their Legion of Jerkfaceness.  They'll swarm you like miserable mosquitoes until you snap and call 'em names right back, if ya let 'em. 

But like I said.  There's a coupla things you can do to stop a Jerkface onslaught before it starts, Friends.  The first thing is when you get bitten by a Jerkface, and they say something ugly and kooky, is to smile and give the Jerkface the benefit of the doubt.  And walk away.  If that isn't possible, and they really ARE bein' a Jerkface and trying to spread their ill feelings to you, and they strike again, recognize that you're dealin' with a Jerkface, and don't let yourself respond to them in kind. But DO stop smilin' at 'em.  Put your serious face on, look 'em square in the eye, and say 'This interpersonal exchange has become unproductive, so I'm going to need to take my leave of your company at once.  I hope you get to feeling better soon!' And then it's imperative that you remove yourself from their immediate proximity quickly, Friends.  Go get yourself a coffee.  Go for a quick walk.  Turn around in your desk chair and start typing on the computer.  If they don't leave your space, go ahead and hit the trap door button on your desk, and let 'em go down the trap door.  If your workspace doesn't come equipped with a trap door, and they're still standing there, exuding Jerkface into your space, a curt 'Run along now!  I'm calling security!' ought to do.

If your Jerkface happens to be attacking through the computer, they're really easy to take care of.  Just silence the Jerkface.  Don't read or respond to anything that has their name on it.  Don't let their Cyber Jerkfacing ruin your day again.  Just click 'unfriend,' 'unfollow,' and 'block.'  Even if they're somebody who's supposed to mean something to you. 

Real friends don't Jerkface their friends.  Remember that.

The point of all this is that Jerkface spreads only when you are in contact with someone so committed to letting their Jerkface illness thrive, so you need to get away from that type of person.

But like I said before, we all come down with a case of the Jerkface from time to time.  I know I do!  And when you find yourself suffering from Jerkface, you've got to take responsibility for your own care.  You've gotta do something nice for yourself.... kind of away from other people, until you know you can be out and about without biting someone and infecting them with Jerkface.  Have a snack you like.  Maybe take a little nap, or go to bed earlier than usual, if you can.  Watch a happy television program that you like.

And now that it's Spring, or Spring-ish, when the weather's warmer, you can go outside and take a nice lungful of fresh air, flavored with sunshine and blossoms.  You can get out and take a walk and feel the warm sun on you.  Stand up straight when you walk, and don't trudge.  Smile and wave at the other people you see out and about... they might be walking off a case of Jerkface, too, so be kind!  Kindness can spread almost as fast as Jerkface spreads, and it's so much easier for Kindness to get a foothold and start running through the population now that it's getting warmer and springier.

You don't hafta let Jerkface be terminal, Friends.

Smile and don't be a Jerkface statistic, Friends!

So now that it's Springtime, I hope the widespread ugliness and kookiness... the Jerkface epidemic of 2013-2014 subsides a little more every day.  I hope we all get to feeling more like ourselves once again, real soon, smiling and being nice to each other.  It's easier to shrug off a case of Jerkface when the weather isn't whipping wind and snow at you all the time.  But it isn't all the weather's fault. We've gotta decide not to be Jerkfaces, Friends, and just not have any part of it when in the presence of a Jerkface.  They'll always be around, Friends, but we don't hafta let 'em win in their quest for World Domination.

So say it with me, Big People: "Hallo, Spring!  G'bye, Jerkface!"

I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow, mmmkay?  Muah!

How to Take a Compliment, Zoe-Style!

Friends, learn to take a compliment, mmmkay?

Hiya, Friends!  How are you doin'?  Happy Sunday to you!

Hey.  I have something important that I wanna say to you today, Friends.  Everybody's always tellin' me how to act, and what to say and what not to say (I'm still stinging over the banning of boogie-talk from the table.  I really am, and I'll admit it readily!), but you know what?  There's something that you Big People need to learn to do that I'm actually pretty terrific at doing, but you Big People need a refresher course on how to do:

Taking a compliment.

No, it's true!  I see it all the time when I'm out-n-about.  You Big People can't take a compliment gracefully at all, and it bugs the heckle and jeckel right out of me.

For instance, somebody says to you "I LOVE your outfit!" and you say "Oh, this old thing?"  Or they tell ya you look really nice today, and you'll say 'Oh, I hardly got any sleep.'  Or they'll say that you're havin' a GREAT hair day, and you reply by saying you've got split ends/ frizz/ visible roots / a bird's nest going on.

Grownups, why do you do that?!

It can feel awkward at first, but I'm here to help!

Also, I've noticed something curious when a Big Person presents me with a compliment of my very own.  When I accept it, people laugh at me like it's such a singularly Toddler thing to do, to take a compliment.  Well, if you aren't expecting someone to accept your compliment, why do you even give it?  If you don't think someone looks nice, or is having a GREAT hair day, or that whatever they're doing or have done is compliment-worthy, for Pete's Aches, don't say anything about those things to them!  Make a comment about the weather instead!

Now then.  I think as people, whether Big or Toddler, we all like to give people compliments.  We all like to receive 'em, too, but in that respect, we need to be better about accepting hearing nice things about ourselves and our efforts.

You can start out by saying "Thank you" when someone tells you you've got cute shoes, nice hair, that you cooked a great meal, etc.  Just a simple 'Thank You!'  and then move on, if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

The other night, I was wearin' my Zebra and Hot Pink Tutu-Dress, and more than one Big Person said "Isn't that an ADORABLE dress?" and I said "Yes, it is!"  People laughed at me like what I'd said was so precocious, but here's the thing: my Zebra and Hot Pink Tutu-Dress IS adorable.  I saw it on the Internet one day while I was sitting on Mommy's lap, and it caught my eye, because it was so adorable, and I told her I wanted it.  She said the price was right, and I've gotten a lot of wear out of my adorable Zebra and Hot Pink Tutu-Dress.  So, by agreeing with the person who said my dress was adorable, I'm not being conceited or letting my head get too big.  I'm simply acknowledging that I agree with them.

Also, the other night, I was asked if I'm a little sweetie, and I said "I am a sweetie."  Before you get up on your "You're Conceited!!!" high-horse, and start wondering if I'm gonna go on Toddlers'n'Tiaras soon, the answer is no.  The Big People in my life tell me all the time that I'm a little sweetie, so when I'm asked if I'm such, of course the answer's yes.  I didn't start callin' myself a little sweetie, but I DO listen to what the Grownups tell me I am.  Saying 'No, I am not a little sweetie' makes about as much sense as saying 'No, I am not a girl,' if someone were to ask me if I'm a girl.  That isn't conceited.  That's just acknowledging what I've been told all this time.

In the Grown-up world, though, if faced with a compliment like that, you could just smile and say 'Thank you.'  'Thank You' is kind of a great all-purpose response to compliments, Friends.

Well, think about it.  Think about how it looks to someone giving you a compliment, if you reject their compliment.  Say they tell you that they really like your sweater, and you say 'Oh, this?  I don't know.  The color of it makes me look washed out, it shows every roll, cuts me off right at my widest spot, and besides, it's itchy!'  Well, what's really happened here is that someone put themselves out on a limb and by telling you they like your sweater, the very one that you're wearing today, they've gone and given you a glimpse into their taste, their aesthetic sense, and by rejecting their compliment outright, you're really saying to them 'You have horrible taste in sweaters, Bucko.'

That's kinda rude, isn't it?

Big People, when someone compliments your sweater, your hair, your house, your smile, your personality... When someone gives you any kind of compliment, just smile and say 'Thank you.'  I realize that accepting a compliment with my level of enthusiasm might feel really, really weird and uncomfortable to you, but you can always accept the compliment given to you without the chance of lookin' conceited if you just smile and say 'Thank you.'

You did it, Friends!  Great job taking a compliment!

Practice it a coupla times, Big People!  Get comfortable with how it feels.

Now.  Friends, I think you're really courageous for learning how to take a compliment, after years-n-years of being programmed that taking a compliment is big-headed.  I really admire you for thinking enough of yourself to agree with someone when they tell you they think something about you, or even YOU are great.

What did you just say?  What did you just do?

I sure hope you smiled, relaxed your shoulders, and said "Thank you, Zoe!"

All right, Friends!  I love the heck right outta ya!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Remember, smile and say 'Thank you!' when people letchya hear nice things about yourself!  Muah!

Appropriate Table Talk with Zoe

I see nothing wrong with talking boogies during dinner!

Hiya, friends!  Hey, didja know that there's sucha thing as appropriate things to talk about at the table, and inappropriate things to talk about at the table? 

Did you know that?  Because it's kind of new to me!

You see, once I started talking, I mean really speaking Big People insteadda Babese, it just sorta took off, and I learned I could conversate and palaver about anything under the sun. 

It was an exciting time for me, Friends, the first time I could carry on a real conversation. It's been so exciting, talking about shoes I see other people wearing, that I like, so I'll yell out across a room 'Hey!  I loooooove your sneakers!"  Or if I see a cute puppy being walked, I'll point to it and say loud enough for everybody to hear 'That's a cute puppy!'  Or if I'm wearin' an especially cute dress or clippies, or if I'm havin' an exceptionally great hair day, I'll say right to a Big Person, "See my dress [clippies] [hair]?!" 

What do you MEAN some people might be offended?!

You could accuse me of making a blatant grab for the attention of the grownups around me.  You could accuse me of that, but honestly, Friends... give me a break.  I'm two.  Of course, everything I do is a blatant grab for attention.  Who doesn't like to be noticed? 

Don't judge.

So the other day, I was havin' supper with Mommy and Daddy at the table, and I had a boogie.  I took care of it myself, but then I needed to get rid of it, so I announced 'Mah-meee!  I have a boogie!  Look!  It's on my fingah!'

Friends, you wouldn't believe the dirty look Mommy gave me.  It would fall into the "ultra-dirty look" category of dirty looks. 

"Okay," she said, grabbing the paper towels and taking away the boogie on my finger.  "That's disgusting.  Let's go wash your hands."

I stand corrected, and I sincerely apologize for grossing anybody out.

I went with Mommy to wash my hands, and when I came back to the table, I wanted to make sure Daddy knew that I'd vanquished the Boogie Menace.  I mean, it was nothing short of heroic on my part, and I wanted my recognition, darn it!  Remember?!  I'm two!

Well, as though they were never little kids themselves, Mommy and Daddy started hushing me when I'd bring up the boogie.  They'd try to change the subject by asking me about the Daniel Tiger I saw on the television that day.  They'd say 'that's gross.'

Friends, what I don't understand is why Mommy and Daddy got so hoity-toity over the whole thing when everybody gets boogies.  I just don't see why I shouldn't be able to talk about it!

Well, I guess boogies are one of those things that you don't talk about, least of all at the table.  I guess some people can get offended  by such talk.  I didn't know that before, but now I know, and I'm gonna try to table better in the future. 

I just thought that was interesting to pass along, Friends, that I've learned that not everything is an excellent table-topic.  I learn something new, every day.

All right, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I'll try to keep it appropriate!  Muah!

Friday Frame of Mind

Can I be in a Friday Frame of Mind if I don't know what that means?

Hiya, Friends!  Happy Friday again!  Are you in a Friday Frame of Mind?  I sure am!

Well, I think I am.  I don't suppose I really know what a "Friday" Frame of Mind is.  Do you, Friends?

Let's think this through together, and then decide!

I suppose a Friday Frame of Mind could include an overwhelming feeling of not being able to wait to get out of one's place of employment.  But that's kind of a negative way to put it.  Let's call this part of being in a Friday Frame of Mind "Anticipation of Something Superfun Coming Up!"

Is there a Nuance Department here?  Are they hiring, maybe?

Another component of being in a Friday Frame of Mind
could be overwhelming excitement, which is much like the aforementioned "anticipation," but is also a little different, in the nuance department. 

The Nuance Department... huh.  I wonder if they hafta do TPS Reports in the Nuance Department.  I wonder what they do do in the Nuance Department.  Are they hiring, do you think?  Do you think if I put in for a transfer, they'd transfer me to the Nuance Department?  Because I'm pretty sure if I hafta do another TPS Report, I'm gonna steal the mail-cart the mail room guy brings our interoffice mail around on, and take it for a joyride through my department, as well as Accounts Payable, Accounts Receivable, and the Executive Suite.

Enjoy your Friday, Friends! Frame of Mind and all!

I seem to have gotten a little bit off-topic there, Friends, and I'm sure sorry about that. 

I guess you could say I seem to have answered my own question about what a Friday Frame of Mind is.  To me, a Friday Frame of Mind means that you've about had it with the week that's ending, you're probably a little tired of being around your co-workers and looking forward to the break, you're questioning your decision to follow this course of livelihood, but you're still pretty much super-excited because you've got two days in a row that are the WEEKEND! 

Does that sound pretty accurate, Friends?  Is that what bein' in a Friday Frame of Mind means to you? 

Well, you know I love ya lots, Friends, and I hope you enjoy your Friday.  I'll see ya tomorrow.  Muah!

Sing In the Spring!

Let's welcome Spring with a song, Friends!

Hiya, Friends!  I have a great idea.  How about we sing in the Springtime with a great song?  We don't hafta sing the same song, all of us, but we can all sing something, just to welcome the Spring! 

What do you say? 

Does that sound like a great idea to you?

We don't even hafta be all that great a singer.  Just give the Springtime a little something to let it know we're just so darned happy to see it.  It was quite a Winter.  Winter really put us through our paces this year, didn't it? 

It was a rhetorical question.  Of COURSE Winter put us through our paces!

But now it's finally Springtime, and it's time to think about all the things we love most about Springtime.

I'm gonna sing in the Key of Me.  You can pick your own key!

That's an easy enough order, I'd say, Friends, wouldn't you? 

I'll get us started out.

I love it when the pretty-singin' birds come back.  Bluejays are pretty to look at- there are few birds flashier- at least that I can see from my windows- but for Pete's Aches.  Those birds cannot sing.  They squawk like they're first-round American Idol contestants.

American Idol: is that even a thing anymore?  Who cares?

Umm... I love the forsythia bushes when they come out.  I love that flurry of greenie-gold goodness and I love that so many people have forsythias in their yards so I can see 'em when I'm out and about.

I love the apple blossoms that come out on the trees in my very own yard!  Oh, apple blossoms!  I just love 'em!  They make the trees look like CLOUDS! 

I love smellin' the first lawn-mowing of Spring- and every subsequent lawn-mowing, to be honest with ya, Friends.  There's just nothing like the smell of fresh-cut grass to make a person all happy to be alive!

HIYA, SPRING! GOOD TO SEE YA! STICK AROUND FOR A WHILE- LALALALALA!  SPRING!

There's just so much to sing about, now that it's Spring, Friends.  I really encourage you to sing with me.  Sing like nobody's listening!  Sing right the heck out loud!  Let's show Spring just how much we've missed it! 

I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends!  I love ya a lot!  Muah!

The Last Day of Winter!

Get your flower crown out!  Spring starts tomorrow!

Hiya, Friends!  Zoe here!  Hey, didja know the First Day of Spring is tomorrow?  As you can see, I've prepared myself for the upcoming seasonal change by donning a crown made of flowers and green leaves.  Not real green leaves and flowers, but replicas.  We're still in the throes of Winter where I live, so no real greenness or flowerness yet, but things are lookin' up. 

So while I look forward to the first day of Spring tomorrow, I'd also like to pause for a moment and remember this Winter we're all about to complete, Friends.  It was a doozy, wasn't it?  It gave us our share of coldness, and ice, and snow, and wintry mixes. 

It was also the first winter I've ever been allowed to drink hot cocoa.  Hot cocoa is a special treat I'm so happy I've gotten to know and love.  If it weren't for Winter, I might never have been interested in drinkin' a hot beverage, but now I know all about it, so I can't resent Winter so much. 

This Winter marked the first time I've ever built a snowman, too.  I loved making the snowballs and having Daddy stack 'em up for me.  It was so exciting to see that snowman take shape, and it was neat to look out the window and say 'I built that!' for as long as the snowman lasted.

I still say there are few sights as pretty as a clear winter-blue sky with snow on the ground and ice glittering on the trees... So long as I don't hafta be ridin' around outside in that kinda weather.  Ice on the road scares me.

All in all, though, Friends, even in Winter, there were some beautiful things to see and some wonderful treats to be had.  I'm really glad I got to know the Winter of 2013-2014.

I'm really glad that tomorrow starts Spring 2014!  I'm so excited for all the new things to see, all the colorful flowers, and the return of the leaves.  But we'll talk about that another day. I don't wanna take away from Winter's Last Day, so join me in wavin' good-bye to it, Friends.  Let's all say good-bye to Winter and tell it we'll see it hopefully not before the Day After Thanksgiving 2014.  I mean, it must be tired from outdoing itself this year and all. 

Hey.  I love ya lots, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I'll see ya in the Springtime!  Muah!

Tubular Tuesday To Ya!

The day after a holiday can be a bummer, Friends.

Well, hiya, Friends!  How the heck are ya?  Didja survive St. Patrick's Day?  Were ya able to get through it without gettin' pinched?  I sure hope so!

St. Patrick's Day 2014 is over and done, and now it's time to move on to new things.  I know that the day after holidays can be a letdown, so that's why I've decided that today's Tubular Tuesday!  I thought about makin' it Totally Tubular Tuesday.  If that one floats your boat more than just Tubular Tuesday, feel free to call today Totally Tubular Tuesday.

It's your day, Friends.

In fact, it's so much so your day that I'm not even gonna tell ya how to spend your Tubular Tuesday!  I mean, you could ride a sno-tube down a snowy hill if you can find any left.  You could ride down a Lazy River in an innertube if you're where it's warm.  You could make a craft with empty toilet paper and paper towel tubes. 

You know I'm here to help ya transition back to Non-Holiday Life.

Oh, my goodness, there's so much you can do with an empty paper tube, friends.  You have no idea!  You can make hoot-owls with a little paint, glitter, and google-eyes.  You can take two empty toilet paper tubes and make a pair of binoculars, or use just one paper towel roll and make it into a telescope.

Or if you're really practical, you can use either a paper towel tube or a toilet paper tube as a cord-corraller.  It's true.  You just cut up one side of the tube, slide in your cords, and there you go!  Your cords are tamed if you've gotta lotta electronics.

If that isn't your style, you can still celebrate Tubular Tuesday.  I believe toothpaste still comes in tubes, Friends, so if ya brush your teeth a coupla times today, you'll be good to go.  It's kind of a cop-out, but it's better than nothing.

Hey!  It's Tubular Tuesday!  Can I get a whoop-whoop?!

I just wantchya to have a buncha fun, Friends.  I just wantchya not to be sad that it isn't St. Patrick's Day anymore.  That's all I want. 

That's why I thought up Tubular Tuesday.  Just for the fun of it.  What I don't want happening is you gettin' all stressed out over what you're gonna do for Tubular Tuesday.  What I really don't want is my holiday getting co-opted by the toilet paper tube and paper towel tube people and turning into this giant commercial fiasco the way other holidays can get.

Fight that power, Friends. 

And have fun today.  Remember that I just love the heck right outta ya, whether you're Irish or not, whether it's St. Patrick's Day or Tubular Tuesday.  And I always will.  Muah!

Kiss Me, I'm Zoe!

Didja remember to wear a little green today, Friends?

Hiya, Friends, and Happy Saint Patrick's Day to ya!

Are ya all duded up in your green?  I sure am!  I've got my green rubber-band in my hair.  I've got my green pants on.  I've got my crazy green striped socks on!   I am all ready for this St. Patrick's Day!

You know, I really hope you've got at least a little green on ya today, Friends.  If you don't, you can get pinched, and pinches hurt, so if you left your house today without wearin' green, you're gonna wanna find some. 

I don't wantchya to get pinched, Friends!

One idea I have is to find a green Post-it Note or other piece of green paper.  Then you can fan-fold it and make it a bow.  Then you can pin it to your shirt.  It's a makeshift holiday-themed fashion accessory that you made yourself!

And it'll keepya from gettin' pinched!

What if you don't have any green Post-Its, though?  What if there is no green paper in your office?  Well, I suppose you could get in your wallet and fold up a dollar bill.  You could do that.  Money's green!

Maybe you spent your last dollar in the vending machine, though.  That puts you in a dilly of a pickle, vis-a-vis gettin' a little green on ya, so you don't get pinched!

Jeez.  You ARE havin' a bad day, aren't ya?  Forgettin' it's St. Patrick's Day and that you're s'posed to wear green, AND spendin' your last dollar in the vending machine.  I think you might need a hug!

No matter what, Friends, Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Now, back to thinkin' of other common green things for you to look for around your desk environment.  Do you have one of those big green erasers?  You could make a pendant out of it and a paper clip chain.  Um... Hey!  Sometimes those paper clips are green!  You could just clip it to your shirt and be done!  What else?  Have any green rubber-bands?  You could put a green rubber-band around your wrist for a bracelet. 

In a real pinch, find yourself a green highlighter, a green marker, or a green pen.  If it's skinny, tuck it behind your ear.  If it's one of those fat highlighters, draw a shamrock on your face with it.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, and besides, it's St. Patrick's Day, so people'll see that green marker shamrock on your face and assume you've been into the green beer.  Don't let 'em judge.  You just keep on bein' you. 

Friends, I love ya lots, and I hope that you have a great St. Patrick's Day, mmmmmkay?  I'll see ya tomorrow on the Day After St. Patrick's Day!  Muah!

Freezer-Pleaser!

Friends, are we ever gonna get to keep some warm weather for our own?

Hiya, Friends!  How are you today?  Didja survive the Ides of March?  I s'pose if you're reading this, you must have survived.  I'm so glad!

So how about this weather?  If I said I wasn't gettin' discouraged by this pattern I'm starting to see... you know, warm and sunny Fridays followed by cold and snowy Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

I understand that it's March.  All that going in like a lion, going out like a lamb business.  I understand to expect a mixed bagga weather.

The warm keeps coming to visit, but it never stays!

But this is something else.  

It isn't really a mixed bagga weather that we have.  It's more like we have mostly January in the bag, with a couple-three teaser-pieces of springtime.  January was two months ago, Friends.  In January, I was taken aback by single-digit temperatures, but they felt seasonable back then, kinda like it was their turn, and if we didn't like it, we could go on a vacation to somewhere warm.

It's past the middle of March, now, though, Friends.  I really don't feel like we should hafta make nice with the single-digit temperatures right now. 

The warm keeps coming to visit, but it never sticks around.  Is it us?  Do we all present an unwelcoming face to the warm?  Does it take one look at us and decide "these people don't deserve me and my warmth?"

Warm, look!  We're friendly and welcoming! Come stay a while!  Get to know us!

Is it the warm?  Is the warm a snob?


Oh, I don't know.  I'd rather think the warm is just kinda shy, and it isn't so sure about us.  So we're gonna hafta show that warm that we're ready to be its friend.  The next time we see that warm, we've gotta be super-nice to it. 

Next time that warm comes a-callin', Friends, could you do me a favor?  Go to your window, look it right in the bright eyes, and say, "Hiya, Warm Weather!  It's nice to see ya!  Come on in and get comfortable!"  With a welcome like that, Friends, that nicey warm weather won't have any choice but to say "Okay, I will!"

I love ya lots, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Be Wearin' The Ides of March!

Take it from Julius Caesar, Friends.  Be careful who you trust with knives.

Hiya, Big People!  Zoe here!  Hey, didja know that today is the Ides of March?  Didja know that Julius Caesar got stabbed in the back on the Ides of March, 44 BC.  I read all about it in my History of the World Board Book.

Well, I thought I was reading about one of my favorite characters, Julius the monkey, from such books as Julius and the Wild West Bananza and Only in Dreams and such.  When I heard he'd met his demise thousands of years ago, of course, I was a little distraught.

Nope!  Wrong Julius!

I think I ought to launch a fashion line called "Ides of March!"

And then, I thought maybe it was Orange Julius.  That made no sense, because who would want to harm something as nice as Orange Julius? 

I don't really have any first-hand knowledge of Orange Julius, actually, Friends.  I've only heard of how wonderful Orange Julius is.  There aren't any of them anywhere I've been, and all I've ever had is the Copy Cat Recipes version.

It's pretty tasty.  There's other things I'd rather drink, but you know, I wouldn't wish any harm to Orange Julius.

I guess that's why I consulted my History of the World Board Book.  I wanted to get the facts.  And the facts are that Julius Caesar was a Roman emperor, his friends got tired of him calling all the shots, so they stabbed him in the back.  Next thing you know, a few hundred years later, Billy Shakespeare writes a play about the whole thing, and ever since, everybody says to "beware the Ides of March."

Well, I'd like to start up a fashion house called The Ides of March.  I think we'd design flashy leggings and sequined fedoras.  And our tagline would be "Be Wearin' the Ides of March!"  Maybe take a little of the dread out of March the Fifteenth.  Apply a little amelioration to it. 

Of course, I'd ask my friends to come work with me at my fashion house, but I'd always keep my back to the wall and my eyes peeled, if you catch my drift.

Hahaha!  Friends, I'll see you tomorrow.  Whether it's the Ides of March or Friday the Thirteenth, you know I love ya lots!  Muah!

You can work with me at my fashion house, Frosty, but just be sure you keep your lollipop where I can see it, mmmmmkay, Snowman?

Whatta Week!

I feel like I've been standin' in a hurricane after this week!

Hiya, Friends!  Happy Friday to ya!  I've gotta say this week sure has been a doozy. 

Right off the bat on Monday, Rozzie had to go to the vet and have her ear surgerized.  She had something called a hematoma.  I don't really know what that is, but I do know that part of Rozzie's ear swelled up.  And then more of her ear swelled up, and Mommy said it was time to go and get that helped.

I don't really know much about what all went on on Monday, because I got to go to Gramma's and play.  I LOVE goin' to Gramma's.  She recently acquired a Daniel Tiger Trolley play set, and I love Daniel Tiger and Trolley, so I like to go play with my Neighborhood of Make-Believe friends whenever I get the chance!

But I'll admit that I was awful worried about Rozzie on Monday.  Mommy came and got me Monday night, and I thought I'd see Rozzie's smiling face when I got home to my house, but she wasn't there.  I started to get REALLY worried.  I mean, I'm usedta Rozzie goin' and spendin' the day at her doctor's.  She gets a special bath every month, and we take her over, drop her off, and then go and get her before suppertime.  It wasn't like that on Monday, so my cage was rattled.

Imagine my relief on Tuesday, when I got to go to the vet hospital with Mommy.  I love goin' to the vet's!  They have this enormous fishtank in the waiting room, and I love to count the fish.  Now that I've seen Finding Nemo, I'm fascinated by fish tanks, because I always wonder if the fish wanna escape from their tank.  Or maybe they're happy.  It's hard to tell with fish.

Rozzie's predicament had me really worried, Friends!

The doctor asked me if I wanted to see some bunnies, and of COURSE I wanted to see some bunnies. 

This isn't to be confused with Mommy and Daddy thinking I wanted to see the bunnies at the mall when I really wanted to see the monies in the fountain.  When I go to the animal hospital, I have a different set of expectations than I do when I go to the mall, so I fully expected to see actual bunnies at the vet's.

I wasn't disappointed, either!  There was this really sweet lop-eared bunny, and I got to pet him and feed him and his two guinea pig friends CARROTS!  How about that?!  Bunnies and guinea pigs really love carrots! 

You know what?  The doctor said I could take home that bunny and his guinea pig friends.  I thought that was so cool!  And don't you know, in the face of anything cool and neat and exactly what I wanna do, Mommy laughed and pretended that she suddenly couldn't speak the English. 

That darn Mommy!  I had names picked out, and everything.  I was gonna call the guinea pigs "Mango" and "Tango," after my favorite flavor of lollipop, and I was gonna call the bunny "Lerbert," in honor of the lobster I can't have, on accounta me bein' allergic to lobster dander and all.  But thanks to Mommy, it isn't meant to be.

Mommy messes up everything for me.  She really does!

Be careful out there, Friends!  Whatta week it's been!

Anyway, it sure was good to see that ol' Rozzie!  She was waitin' for us in the exam room when we got in there, and she didn't seem mad at all!  I guess she knew she needed the surgery, and that everything's gonna be all right!  Her ear's all sewn up like a floppy crazy quilt.  She doesn't like the bandages, so all week since she got home, Mommy's been fighting with her to keep her bandage on.  When I got home from Gramma's today, Rozzie wasn't wearin' the bandage on her ear, but she was still wearing both tutus she was sent home with.  She had on the blue soft one she got last week, and she had on the little one that looks like a lampshade and about knocks you over when she runs into you with it!

And then, how about that storm we had on Wednesday, Friends?!  Did you get any of it where you are?  It sure was crazy weather where I live.  Our MAILBOX got frozen shut!  Can you believe that?  Our whole MAILBOX! 

I feel like the week can't be done with us, so I'm kinda holdin' my breath for today.  Friday the Fourteenth, you know.  It's a day you wanna be on the lookout for. 

I'll be seein' you again tomorrow.  I love ya lots, Friends!  Muah!