Meet the Team from Skelly's Dem Bones Pipeworx!

Meet Slim Pickens and Friday, Friends!

Hiya, Big People!  Happy Monday to you!

Friends, this Little Elf Car thing is rolling along nicely!  Today, I wanted to introduce you to part of the team from Skelly's Dem Bones Pipeworx!  They're my very good friends.  Slim Pickens wears a bow-tie and handles the imports and exports at Skelly's Dem Bones Pipeworx, while Friday in in charge of acquisitions.  They stopped by to say hi!

Friday and Slim Pickens regret that none of the actual fabricators could stop in and see ya, but they've had to ramp up production, since one of the Elves on Shelves saw a picture of one of the Little Elf Cars in a banner ad that the O'Lanterns put out yesterday, and they're getting orders for custom pipe-cleaner roll cages.

Looks like some of the Elves on Shelves are going to do some racing, or maybe off-roading.  It's hard to tell.

Obviously, I don't get too free with my questions, on accounta I don't want the Elves on Shelves to know the O'Lanterns and their talented but spooky friends are in cahoots with me... or should I say In Car-Hoots.... Hahahaha!  A little cross-promotion for my pal Hoot the Owl!

Friends, I'm gonna find a solution to this Shelf Elf problem yet.  You mark my words! 

I love ya lots, Big People, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

In Car-Hoots Little Car Parts and Customizations

Meet Hoot from In Car-Hoots Little Car Parts and Customizations!

Friends, I knew if I put the O'Lanterns onto my Elves on Shelves problem, they'd get work done.  Yesterday's idea to give the Elves on Shelves a purpose in the Little Elf Cars Industry that didn't even exist until I thought it up, has taken wing, literally!

You see, the O'Lanterns and I have a friend name Hoot the Owl, and Hoot runs a car parts place called In Car-Hoots Car Parts and Customizations.  He tried to make a go of it in the Big People Car world, but there's just too much customization, plus he and Rat Fink don't get along so well, with Hoot being an owl and Rat Fink being a rat and all. 

So Hoot and the O'Lanterns got hold of a shrink-ray (I don't ask questions!) and shrank down all of Hoot's car customization inventory and made it Little Elf Car sized.  And Hoot has a friend named Frank who does graphics and runs a business called FrankenGrafix (when they spell 'graphics' as 'grafix,' you KNOW they're good!) who's gonna take referrals to do up Little Elf Cars with the sickest grafix out there.  They also have a fabricator named Skelly.  Skelly's business is Dem Bones PipeWorx.  He can fab anything, that Skelly.  Roll cages, custom exhausts.  That sorta thing. I'll bet by the end of the day, the O'Lanterns will have lined up companies to take care of engines, transmissions, brakes, carbs and fuel injectors, instrument panel, and interiors.

This Little Elf Car industry is happening, Big People.  The Elves on Shelves are too imperious to be intimidated, but I can't fathom that they're above a cool diversion like Little Elf Cars.

Hey.  I have a LOT of work to do, so I'll hafta see ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots, Friends!  Muah!

Turn 'Em from Their Tattle-Talin' Ways!

If they have little cars to drive, the Elves won't bother me!

Hiya, Big People!  Happy Saturday to you, and all that. 

Well, we had a nice day off yesterday from the Elves on Shelves drama yesterday, didn't we?  I know I sure as heck enjoyed it.  However, these little Elves on Shelves are so relentless!

Anyways, I had a GREAT idea for a peaceful way to occupy the Elves on Shelves so they don't have time to submit bogus naughty reports to Santa Claus!

I've been buildin' the Elves on Shelves little cars that they can drive around and customize and drive around some more and wash and detail and drive around and customize some more.

I think this is a great idea, because in my world, they say to get your kids into classic cars so they won't have money to buy drugs.  My own Daddy has gotten me into classic cars.  I figured if I could find a hobby for the Elves on Shelves, they'd be too wrapped up in making their little cars pretty or mean or fast or outrageous, and they'd stop the naughty reports on me!

I think what I'm gonna do is have the O'Lanterns set up a whole little elf-car parts business, with an e-commerce site and everything, and organize swap-meets and conventions, and that way the Elves on Shelves will be so busy with their hobby that they'll turn from their tattle-talin' ways!

We'll see how this goes, Big People!  I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

What Punctuation Mark Am I?

Punctuation matters, Friends!

Hiya, Friends!  Happy Friday to ya! 

Well, ya know, I love to think about things, and sometimes I'm known to have some pretty deep thoughts when I'm thinking, and the thoughts I'm thinking today are about punctuation marks. 

Namely, if I were a punctuation mark, which one would I be?

I know I wouldn't be a comma.  Commas indicate a pause.  I also would not be ellipses for the same reason.  I value those things, and I value pauses, but I wouldn't say those things define me. 

Now, the case could be made that I'd be a question mark, because I ask a lot of questions.  This would be missing the point, however.  I ask questions because I like to learn things.  I do not question the very being of me.  I don't question why I'm here.  I don't question my essence.  There are those who do, and that's cool.  But that just isn't me.  I know who and why I am.  I just ask to learn.

Now, you've got the exclamation point to consider. Exclamation points are excitement! energy! decisiveness!  They back more punch than a mundane period.  They explode off the page.  Exclamation points pop! They say "Here I am!"  I love, love, LOVE exclamation points!

Combining the best of the question mark and the exclamation point is the interrobang, which is this thing: ‽  It's an exclamation point within a question mark, and you're probably used to seeing it represented thus: ?!  It signals surprise, or in the case of a kid tryin' to figure out which punctuation mark she is, it's a questioner who's very emphatic about her questions.  It's less passive than a question mark.  It's a little combative, but in a good way.  An interrobang cannot be ignored.  An interrobang is in-your-face.

I think I could be an interrobang, and I didn't set out to pick that as my definitive punctuation mark.  But the more I've talked to you about it, the more I really like it.  It really does combine the best of the questioning question mark and the popping excitement of an exclamation point!

Friends, I didn't even hafta go through all the punctuation marks to decide.  Which punctuation mark are YOU, do you think? 

Reinforcements

I see you, Elves on Shelves, and raise you two Jack O'Lanterns!

Hiya, Friends!  Happy Thursday to you!

So after yesterday's time I spent as a kid-size Elf on a Shelf, my opinion remains unchanged about them.  In turn, their insistence on submitting my name to Santa's Naughty List remains steadfast as well, even though no Elf is on any of the shelves in my house!  How would these Elves who are not on my shelves know whether I'm bein' naughty or nice?

Normally, Santa Claus himself would step in and put an end to this, but this is right the heck during his busy season!  He doesn't have time for this!  In fact, when I told Santa Claus that I thought the Elves on Shelves were welching on our agreement, on accounta I DID spend the day as an Elf on a Shelf, and they said if I did, they'd stop sending Santa the nuisance Naughty Reports on me, however the Elves on Shelves told Santa that although that was how they worded it to me, what they MEANT was that in order for them to stop the Naughty Reports, I needed to spend a day as an Elf on a Shelf AND write a blog post saying that I was entirely wrong about the Elves on Shelves, that I now appreciate what they do, that I had no idea their jobs were so hard, and that I'm very, very sorry for ever trying to stir up a Little Kid rebellion against them.

It's kinda funny, but I didn't even KNOW I was tryin' to incite a rebellion!

Anyways, back to me and Santa.  When I was tellin' him all this, he got a little snippy, which is unusual for Santa Claus, but he said "Zoe, I know all this, but I don't have TIME for this nonsense right now!  You need to sort this out with the Elves on Shelves!"

Then he went back to work in his workshop, which is how it should be, this time of year, I suppose, but he didn't say HOW I was supposed to sort this out with the Elves on Shelves, especially since there appears to be no reasoning with them, and no middle ground!  I either have to agree with them a hundred percent, or they're going to keep filing those bogus Naughty Reports, giving me a bad name and clogging up Santa's Naughty and Nice Reporting System!

So here's what I did.  I enlisted the help of my friends the Jack O'Lanterns.  Irish lads.  You may remember them from my Halloween Display.  The Jack O'Lanterns don't care for the Elves on Shelves much.  They were thrilled to have the opportunity to help me take these infernal shelf-sitting elves down a shelf or two, but they haven't told me how they're going to do so, and I'm not going to ask.  You just let the O'Lanterns do their thing when you ask for their help.

I'm still baffled as to why having a dissenting opinion and voicing it equates to bein' naughty, though, Big People.  Especially when I voice my dissenting opinion on my very own blog.  But.  The O'Lanterns are on it, and I feel like I can breathe a little easier already.

You have a good day, Friends!  I know I will!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Sitting A Mile on Their Shelf

Sitting in for an Elf on the Shelf for a day.

Hiya, Big People!  Happy Wednesday to you!

Well, you know, I seem to have a flair for schuschelling up drama wherever I go, and this thing with the Elves on Shelves has escalated to a full-on Thing.

As it turns out, the Elves on Shelves submitted a Naughty Report to Santa Claus about ME, even though there has never been an Elf on a Shelf spying on me in my house, so far as I know.  Now, Santa Claus doesn't have TIME for this kinda thing, and he told the Elves so, but they want me to stop my anti-Shelf Elf rhetoric, and they told Santa Claus that they're going to submit Naughty Reports about me, every morning until Christmas, unless I stop.  Santa Claus can't just ignore the reports, lest it look like I'm getting preferential treatment, so every time a Naughty Report comes through, he has to review it and decide how to proceed.

However, the Elves on Shelves said if I sat a mile on their shelf, so I could understand how difficult and important their jobs are, they'd think about bombarding Santa Clause with their Naughty Reports.  Santa Claus told me that if I sat on a shelf for a day, he would disregard any Naughty Reports about me from the Elves on Shelves.

I'm not completely heartless, Friends, so I agreed to it, to save Santa Claus a headache. 

So here I am.  Sitting a mile on the shelf of a Shelf Elf.  Sure.  I see some weird stuff, and I hear some juicy gossip, but this is NOT a difficult job that the Elves on Shelves do, Big People.  They just sit and watch and tattle.  That's the beginning, middle, and end of it.  It's so simple that a four-year-old could do it!

I will say, though, Friends, that my bottom gets numb, sitting there still, all day! For that, the Elves on Shelves have my sympathy, but I still think they're unnecessary, and expressing my opinion does not make me naughty, Friends, no matter what the Elves on Shelves say!  How about that?!

The Elves on Shelves Respond!

I stand beside, behind, and in front of yesterday's blog post, Big People!

Hiya, Big People!  Happy Tuesday to you!

You know, I can hardly swing an opinion by the tail around here on this blog without it hittin' somebody and gettin' 'em all up in arms, and my opinion on the Elves on Shelves is no exception.

Well, you know, the Elves on Shelves go all up in arms because they think I was minimizing what they do because I don't understand the importance of what they do.  So I asked them to clarify the importance of what they do.

Basically, what it boiled down to is that their department at the North Pole was about to be cut, and Santa Claus was going to put them out on the production floor with other elves, and the Elves on Shelves decided to go out into the homes of Little Kids and show Santa Claus just how important their "behavior control" is to his operations.  And the Elves on Shelves Intelligence Agency just ballooned.  Their work is important to them because they've convinced Big People with Little Kids that their work is important.

I telephoned my good friend Santa Claus and asked HIM about the Elves on Shelves, and you wanna know what he told me?  He told me that they'd be more useful if they were up at his workshop, on the production floor, than being ornamental in Little Kids' homes, and furthermore, it kinda annoys him whenever an Elf on a Shelf reports to him moderately bad behavior that could be managed by a Parental Unit and would not make a significant difference in the status of the Little Kids Naughty or Nice List positioning.  Santa Claus says that if the Elves on Shelves could restrict themselves to reporting actual naughty behavior, such as being mean to animals, being mean to other little kids, setting the house on fire, and big things like that, they'd be moderately useful, even though Santa Claus knows about all that stuff anyways, without the reports.  He says that the constant reports that little Johnny refuses to eat his peas or Jenny flushed too much toilet paper down the toilet and clogged it all up are a different kind of matter entirely and have no business being on a Naughty or Nice Report.  In fact, Santa Claus says that he wishes that the Elves on Shelves would change their punitive focus and send him reports on when Little Kids are behaving exceptionally, doing super-nice things for others, being extra-helpful around the house for the sake of being extra-helpful around the house. 

So.  My opinion on the Elves on Shelves stands.  And they are not welcome in my house. How about that?!