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Thursday, December 31, 2015

Are You Ready For This?!

Be safe tonight, on this New Year's Eve!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Thursday to you!

I guess you can tell that this is the final Daily Zoe Blog post for 2015.  It's been a big year.  A big, big year.  So many things have happened, good and bad.  But mostly good. 

I don't know if you've noticed or not, but this is my second year in a row of keepin' The Daily Zoe Blog actually daily.  All three-hundred sixty-five days.  So if you find yourself bereft of readin' material, you know where to look. 

I like to think that 2015 was the year that I really found my voice and hit my stride.  I spent much of the year as a three-year-old, which was pretty challenging for my folks, but especially for me. I was called a 'threenager,' which I don't think was entirely nice.

Towards the last quarter of the year, I turned four, and four has been a great new world.  I get to do a LOT more things independently, which is all I ever wanted, actually.  I just wanna be my own person, you know? It's really tamed my inner 'threenager,' now that I've had the opportunity to be a little more independent.

I don't know what 2016 is going to bring for any of us, Friends.  I mean, like I said, 2015 had a buncha good stuff, and some sucker-punches thrown in.  2016 will probably be the same way.  It isn't what happens to us that's really important, though, Friends.  What really matters is how we react to it and how resilient we are.  I'm happy to say I'm a pretty resilient Little Kid.  I hope you are, too! 

Hey.  I know you have some celebratin' to do.  Friends, promise your pal Zoe that you'll be safe and celebrate responsibly, mmmmkay?  If you drink adult beverages tonight, don't drive.  Stay the heck right off the road.  You don't want to start the New Year having hurt yourself or anyone else, especially a car of innocent strangers.  Be mindful of that. 

I'll be here, bright-n-early in the mornin' to say HAPPY NEW YEAR! to ya!  Until then, enjoy the last of 2015.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Silly in Sixteen!

Trust your pal Captain Zoe for all your Silly in Sixteen travel needs!
Hiya, Big People!  Captain Zoe here!

Well, ya know, we're on the last two days of 2015.  While I thought that I was Fabulous in Fifteen, there are some who could argue that the real slogan was "Frazzled in Fifteen." 

That's why I think that in the New Year, we should all strive to be a little more Silly in Sixteen.  Silliness doesn't mean going through life all skee-hawed.  It means taking time to have fun with the absurd that you'll encounter on a daily basis.

Sure, you encounter absurdity, every single day of your life.  You sure do.  The Absurd are those things that are just so out of place that you find yourself either being annoyed by 'em, or laughing with 'em.

Let's choose to laugh at the absurdity.  Embrace the silly in 2016.  If you need a trusted guide for this, you know where to find me, your pal Captain Zoe, specializing in flights of fancy, right here on your very own computer.  I am NOT gonna letchyoo be Too Serious in Sixteen, Friends!  No, sir!

Now put your tray-table in its upright position, buckle up, and don't touch anything.  We're takin' off!

I love ya lots, Friends, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Work With Me, Babe!

Maybe you could meet me halfway? Work with me, and I'll work with you!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Tuesday to you!

Well, ya know, I'm mostly a really easy-going Little Kid, Friends.  If you keep up with me here on my web log or visit me in my Facebook Picture Show, you'll see I'm usually pretty cooperative and fun to be around with bursts of attitude, just like anybody else.

Just like anybody else.

It's just that sometimes, my bursts of attitude coincide inconveniently with what the Big People in my life want.  And I come off lookin' like a little jerk.  That certainly isn't my aim.

If you could meet me halfway, Big People, I could meet you halfway.  You know?

Work with me, and I'll work with you, Big People.  I don't act obstinate just for the fun of it.  I'm probably tired, or overwhelmed, or nervous, or just over it.  Just like you get.

Anyways, I love ya lots, Friends.  No matter what.  And I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Monday, December 28, 2015

What Christmas Vacation Means to Me on a Monday Mornin'!

I LOVE Christmas Vacation!
Hi there, Big People! 

It's Monday, and guess what, I'm as HAPPY as I tell you to be on Mondays, even though sometimes I tell you that, and I'm not very happy myself, so it's a little bit hypocritical of me, but whatever, to be human is to be kinda hypocritical and to hold others to a different standard than one holds oneself.

How the heck right about that?!

Anyways, I'm a pretty happy kid this Monday morning, and you should be too, because it's Christmas Vacation.  Now, I understand that some people may hafta work today, and they're NOT on Christmas Vacation.  I'm not rubbin' anybody's face in it.  Please don't get offended, if you're not on Christmas Vacation, if we're still doin' that thing where we get offended over every little thing everybody says.

Sorry.  Back to the Happy.  I am so happy today.  I have a cuppa peppermint cocoa waitin' for me, because it's my Christmas Vacation.  I love ya lots!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime!

During the Holidays, every day's like Saturday!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Sunday to you!

By golly, if it hasn't felt like the Weekend since Thursday Morning, I don't know what a weekend feels like, I guess!

You know, this Christmastime is the best one I've ever experienced so far, and this is a lifetime that includes Christmas 2011, Christmas 2012 (the Christmas we all thought the Mayans were going to wreck for us four days ahead of time - boy, I don't know aboutchyoo, but I'm glad they got that one wrong!), Christmas 2013, AND Christmas 2014!  Those were all some GREAT Christmastimes, and this one tops 'em all!

It isn't even because of the presents.  No.  Presents are nice and fun, and I appreciate 'em, but that isn't what makes this Christmastime the BEST ONE SO FAR!

I think what it is, is that I really am starting to get a handle on what Christmas really means.  What it's really all about.  You know, it's about love, and family, and eatin' good food.  And bein' good to others.  I mean, this is where it's at, Friends.  Christmastime all the time. 

Hey.  I'll letchya get back to your celebratin'. I love ya lots, Big People!  See ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Happy Day After Christmas!

It's nice to make new friends at Christmas!
Hiya, Friends!  How did your Christmas go? 

Mine went wonderfully. I got some nice presents.  I got to see my family.  I got to skip Naptime.  And from what I hear, the Christmas celebratin' isn't over yet- in fact, it's intended to continue straight through New Year!

That's my kinda holiday, right there!

So in the continuing saga of me and Christmas Mouse, we've decided not only to settle our differences just because it's Christmas, but also because we have a lot in common after all, now that the Elves on Shelves are out of the picture. 

For instance, Christmas Mouse and I both love Christmas.  I mean, I know that's kind of a basic thing.  Lotsa people love Christmas, but it's definitely a place to start. Also, Christmas Mouse loves the Star Wars movies, and so do I, and not even just because there's a new one out right now, although that certainly helps feed our Star Wars movie obsessions!  Also, Christmas Mouse and I both really like triple-sharp cheddar cheese.  You'd be surprised how much there is to talk about when you're talking about the world of Cheese!

I mean, now that we've had a chance to visit about all the things we have in common, we've realized just how easy it is to be friends.  I like that, Friends!

Hey.  I'll letchya get back to your own Day After Christmas festivities.  If you're anything like me, there's a lot of 'em!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I love ya lots!  Muah! 

Friday, December 25, 2015

Because It's Christmas

We're okay, but you can bet I'm squeezin' Christmas Mouse a little harder than necessary.
Hiya, Big People!  Merry Christmas!

You know, seein's how it's Christmas and all, and seein's how the whole kerfuffle between me and the Elves on Shelves has been resolved with their return to the North Pole, I figured I could make amends with Christmas Mouse. 

'Tis the Season.  Peace on Earth.  You know.

Anyways, Friends, you have a Merry Christmas!

I know you wanna spend some time with your family. So I'll see ya tomorrow.  I can't wait to hear all about how your Christmas went!  I love ya lots!  Merry Christmas!  Muah!

Thursday, December 24, 2015

A Mole Revealed

Who needs a mole when you have Christmas Mouse?
Friends, I'm happy that it's Christmas Eve, but I've gotta tell ya something. 

You know all about my recent rash of hostility between me and the Elves on Shelves, and I'm sure you're aware of all the trouble I went through to quell the bogus Naughty Reports the Elves were submitting about me to the North Pole Behavior Reporting System this Holiday Season. 

For a while, it seemed as though the Elves on Shelves were one step ahead of me, constantly, and I wondered if I were that easy to figure out, or if the Elves on Shelves just have some kind of strange Elvish pre-cognition or something, that allowed them to know exactly which moves I planned to make before I even knew I planned to make them!

No.  They had help.  They had help in the form of Christmas Mouse, with whom I already had something of a shaky friendship after Christmas Mouse ate the last hunka XXX Sharp Cheddar Cheese on the day after Thanksgiving.  I figured out the treachery of that big-eared, needle-nosed, skinny-tailed rodentine rat when I came down with a cold and couldn't go to Gramma's for a week.  Suddenly, not only did I find equal footing with the Elves on Shelves in our battle, but I found myself outflanking them.

Hmmmm.

Turns out Christmas Mouse was slipping the Elves valuable intelligence he'd overhear me planning with my staunch allies at Gramma's house, whose identities I will protect.

Well, I'll tell ya what.  Tonight, Santa's picking up the Elves on Shelves I captured and he's taking them home to the North Pole.  And when I get to Gramma's house tomorrow, Christmas Mouse and I are going to have an uncomfortable conversation.  Uncomfortable for Christmas Mouse, anyways. 

Merry Christmas Eve, Friends Who Didn't Rat Me Out to the Elves on Shelves this Holiday Season!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

What Day Is It?!

It's the day before the day before the night before Christmas!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Wednesday to you!

Well, I guess you can tell, it's the last day before Christmas Vacation for a lotta people.  Some people are already on Christmas Vacation, and some people are workin' Christmas Eve, but for people like my Daddy, this is the last day. 

And I know some people don't even get Christmas Vacation, so to those people, I send you a big hug and a kiss and good wishes for a good string of nice days during this time.

There's this song I have in my Christmas Music folder that I listen to sometimes, and it's called "The Day Before the Night Before Christmas." It's all about being a good kid at the last minute before Santa Claus comes, but in the end that doesn't fool anybody, so it's best to be a good kid all the time.  This Christmas Season, I've really learned the value of being a good kid most of the time.  In my epic struggle with the Elves on Shelves, when I spoke out against them and they retaliated by submitting bogus Naughty Reports to the Big Man in Red, part of what made the whole thing so easy to prove false is that Santa took one look at those Naughty Reports and knew the things the Elves were saying I did just weren't my style.  Santa Claus knows me and is familiar with my work.

Now, if I were a Real Little Peeler, those things woulda been believable to Santa, and I might not have had such a powerful ally in my fight against the tyranny of the Elves on Shelves.  I woulda had to work a lot harder to show Santa Claus just what that force of tattle-tailing pointy-eared devils are really all about. 

This time and all the time, Friends, it pays to keep your nose clean and be mostly good and have good intentions most of the time.  Everybody's human, and there are lotsa different shades of good and bad, but it's a good idea to stay toward the good side of all that, in my experience and opinion.

Hey.  I know you have a lot of Christmas things to do, so I'll letchya go for now, but I'll see ya tomorrow, mmmkay?  I love ya lots, Friends!  Muah!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Happy As A Kid Three Days Before Christmas!

This is the face of a happy Little Kid!
Hiya, Big People!  How are you this Tuesday before Christmas?

Me?  I'm doin' GREAT! 

It's Tuesday, I don't have a cold, I got to see Star Wars last weekend, and... it's three days before Christmas.

You could say I'm as happy as a little kid three days before Christmas!  I realize that's kind of a circular comparison, but I haven't mastered the art of figurative speech yet.  I'm four, after all.  You should be impressed that I do as well as I do, with words!

Anyways, Big People, I love this time of year.  I really do.  It's so much fun, whether or not there's any snow.  There'll be plenty of time for snow later this winter, if it happens we don't get any for Christmas.

Friends, I know you probably have a lot to do today.  I bet you're busy as a Big Person three days before Christmas.  So I'm gonna letchya go and get to whatever it is that needs to occupy your time today.  I love ya lots.  I sure do!

I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Monday, December 21, 2015

Elf Capturer!

Shelf Elves, fear me! I am Zoe the Great, Elf Capturer!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Monday to you! 

Well, it's the last Monday before Christmas, and we're in our final push to the Big Day, aren't we?

Over the weekend, I caught some more Elves on Shelves in my Elf Traps, and now they're all comfortable yet confined, separate yet together, awaiting for Santa Claus to come pick them up on Thursday night and take 'em back to the North Pole for some post-holiday season questioning.

I have dubbed myself Zoe the Great, Elf Capturer.  I've procured myself a cape that befits such a title, and will soon have my image rendered in oil paints, to be saved and admired for generation.

Or, you know, just a snapshot is good.  I betchya the oil paint-rendered image costs about eleventy thousand dollars or something, so I'd better manage my expectations, hadn't I better?

In any case, this final Monday before Christmas, finally, finally, Friends: I am getting somewhere with these Elves on Shelves.  And I love ya lots.  I'll be seein' ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Elfsworth the Elf

I caught an Elf on a Shelf, Friends!
Well, hiya, Big People!  Happy Sunday to you! 

I have exciting news!  While I haven't stopped the Elves on Shelves from spying on me against my will and sending Santa Claus false Naughty Reports on me, I did catch their leader: Elfsworth the Elf.  I caught him on Friday in my Elves on Shelves Trap. 

I've gotta tell ya, Elfsworth is not very happy to be my guest, but he's in a comfortable yet confining cell.  He's being treated well.  He gets hoagies and fizzy drinks when he's hungry and thirsty.  I also let him have water, too, because too many fizzy drinks aren't good for anybody.  I might even let Elfsworth have some Lucky Charms cereal or something, once he quits bein' so sore at me for catching him in my trap.

I'm not mean to Elfsworth, Big People.  But I'm not gonna be his friend.  No way, no how.  He's kind of a jerk, that Elfsworth. 

I've already told Santa Claus that I caught Elfsworth, and Santa is gonna pick him up on his way through, Thursday night.  And if I catch any more Elves on Shelves, I'll take care of 'em until Thursday night, too.  The more Elves on Shelves I can trap and keep out of the espionage business for the rest of the Christmas season, the smoother things'll go for Santa Claus and for me, and for all other Little Kids who've spoken out against the Elves on Shelves and felt the backlash.

Hey.  I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends!  I love ya lots.  Muah!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

The Force Awakened!

Giving away plot spoilers is not the Jedi way!
Hiya, Friends!

Well, yesterday, I traveled to the Arnot Mall and watched the new movie Star Wars: The Force Awakens, and today, I'd like to tell you all about it!  It was a great movie!

The first thing that really struck me is that there's gumball machines and two Fast-n-Furious arcade games, right there in the Regal Cinema!  Right there, like that!  And bathrooms.  Mommy's a bathroom tourist, so of COURSE I had to take her to the bathroom before we went into the theater.  You know how it is with Mommies.

Next, Daddy bought me my customary big bucket-o-popcorn and boxa Junior Mints, but this time, insteadda all of us sharin' a fizzy drink, we each got our very own!  OUR VERY OWN!  If you think that right there made me feel like a Big Cheese, oh, my goodness, would you ever be right!

We got special glasses to wear in the theater, and we arrived extra-early.  I was really, really happy that we'd bought the big bucket-o-popcorn and that I had my very own fizzy drink.  Otherwise, I'm pretty sure I woulda starved and thirsted myself right to death, waiting for the movie to start!

And then, about ten minutes before the appointed time the movie was supposed to start, the lights went down and the magic came on the screen.  Commercials!  Dozens and dozens of commercials.  Normally, when I'm watching the television at my house, when the commercials come on, I have one of my Big People bloop through the commercials, but there's something magical about seein' 'em on the Big Screen!

Just when I thought the movie was gonna start, you'll never guess what happened!  The previews came on!  And they were all in 3-D!  Those glasses came in handy, besides being extremely stylish!  There's a new Kung Fu Panda coming out soon, and I felt like Kung Fu Panda was speaking right to me, and was about to reach out and grab my face or something!

There was a half hour of previews!  I don't know about you, Friends, but I think that really adds value to the price of my movie ticket.  It's like all kindsa bonus material, those previews!  I thoroughly enjoyed all of them!

The movie was exciting.  Things happened long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.  But the people in the long ago time and far away place were really relatable!  They had their problems, just like you and me.  They had triumphs and tragedies in their lives.  They had to deal with traffic and crappy bosses and impossible projects at work.  You know the kind I'm talking about.  Why, I'll betchya some of those people even had to fill out TPS Reports every day.  That one guy seemed like the kinda crappy boss who gets all giddy about TPS Reports.  And that other guy.  Boy, I betchya he gets downright homicidal if you take any of his pens from his desk.

Even in galaxies far, far away, long, long ago, people were just tryin' to put in a day's work, you know?  So I found the movie highly easy to relate to.  I highly recommend it.

Thing of it is, since I'd drank a whole lot of my movie theater fizzy drink before the movie even started, by the time it was right toward the end, The Force called me, and I couldn't just send it to voicemail.  I think Mommy was a little perturbed about havin' to leave the movie right then.  I surmise from her reaction and the very fast walk she and I took to and from the potty together, that there was something extremely important going on in the movie, but ignoring The Force when it calls you is just not the Jedi way.

We got back in time to see the end of the movie, anyways, so she has nothing to be all skinny around the nose about.  How about that?!

You should go see the movie, Big People!  I've given away all I'm gonna about it, though.  It's an epic saga of people just tryin' to make their way in a galaxy far away and long ago that isn't really so different from our time and our galaxy right here.

I love ya lots, Friends!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, December 18, 2015

May the Force Be With Me!

The Force has awakened and so have I. I'm off to the theater to see how it works out for the Jedis, Friends!
Hiya, Big People! 

Big news!  I'm goin' to the MOVIE THEATER today!  I'm gonna see Star Wars: The Force Awakens!

As you can imagine, this is a Big Deal for a Little Kid like me!

Rest assured that even though I'm excited for this movie, and I'm excited to talk about it, I will not spoil it for anyone else. 

I will, however, be usin' my lightsaber a LOT for a little while.

I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends!  Until then, may the Force be with you!  And with me, too!

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Fight the Power [of the Cold]

It feels good to feel better!  Finally!
Well, hiya, Friends!  Happy Thursday to you!

Boy, I'll tell ya what.  I have had quite a week.  I've been fighting a cold, and it's really messed up a lotta my plans I had, but I'm happy that today, at least, it seems like I'm starting to feel right as rain again. 

As far as colds go, this wasn't a BAD one.  I didn't wind up havin' an ear infection or needing to have eyedrops dropped in my eyes like what happened last year.  But I did cough a lot and had to stay home and take it easy, which is not as easy as it sounds, seeing as how "easy" is right there in it. 

You see, I'm a Little Kid, and I don't just gracefully accept the fact that I have a cold.  I jump and dance and run around and try to scare those germs out of me.  On paper in my head, it seems like a sound strategy for scarin' away that cold, but in practice, all that extra movement just makes me cough and feel worse sometimes.

So "easy" is the only way I've been able to take things this week, and it's really cramped my style.  It's almost as good as Christmas Morning, waking up this morning, feeling Mostly Better, I'll tell ya what.

Be safe out there, Friends!  Take hand-gel with you everywhere!  Wash your hands after you even think of touching anything!  Don't catch a cold in the first place.  But if you do...

Fight the Power [of the Cold]!

We're all in this together, Friends!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Life Is Like a Box-Lunch

This week isn't progressing as quickly as I commanded it to....
Well, hiya, Big People!  Happy Wednesday to you!

You know, I got up thinking that today was Thursday, and I got all excited, because Thursday's one day closer to the weekend than Wednesday is, but as it turns out, it's only Wednesday.  Not usually something to get all mad about, except when you were under the impression upon waking that it was Thursday.

It's like thinking that you got a ham-n-swiss sandwich in your box lunch and finding out that your sandwich is egg salad.  I mean, egg salad is a good kind of sandwich, if that's what you ordered, but if you had your mouth all set for ham-n-swiss, egg salad is a complete and total let-down.

Or even better, somebody hands you a cookie, and you think it's chocolate chip.  Chocolate chip cookies are AWESOME!!!! and then you bite into that cookie and find out it's oatmeal raisin.  I love all kindsa cookies, but I love chocolate chip the best, and raisins are a rude awakening if you're expecting chocolate chips.

That's how I feel about this day.  I thought I was gettin' ham-n-swiss and a chocolate chip cookie, but now I realize it's egg salad with an oatmeal raisin cookie.  Darn it all to heck, anyway.

I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

A Conundrum of Character

I don't know what to do, Big People!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Tuesday to you.

Well, you know, I've just about had it with these Elves on Shelves. Yesterday, Santa Claus and I had a GREAT time, racing motor cars at the Cheer Cup, but when Santa got back to the North Pole, he had a stacka Naughty Reports as thick as as I am tall to wade through, all about me.  And before the Naughty Reporting Center can clear its servers for the day, Santa Claus himself has to go through and check the check-box on each report, to tell his office elves what to do about each report.

I suggested maybe adding a bulk-action command on the Naughty Reporting Database, but that can't be done, because it defeats the purpose of makin' a list and checkin' it twice.  With bulk-actions, you could miss something important, such as if, in the big stacka bogus Naughty Reports on me, there was a report on me bein' actually naughty that needed legitimate attention.

And the Chief Elf on the Shelf has declared it Naughty for any Shelf Elf to be caught driving, shopping for, buying, reading websites, and discussing anything about Little Elf Cars.  It was distracting them from their Elves on Shelves duties.

I suppose I could count this as a victory.  The O'Lanterns and I wanted to start up something that would distract the Elves on Shelves from tattling to Santa for every minor infraction (or imaginary infraction for that matter).  However, we underestimated the amount of influence and authority the Chief Elf on a Shelf has over all the other Elves on Shelves.  He snaps his little fingers, and all those Shelf Elves snap back into rank and file.

Anyways, I've been presented with a conundrum that cuts to the core of my very character.  The Elves on Shelves have said they'll stop clogging up the Naughty Reporting System with fake reports on my naughtiness if I just rescind my original comments about them.  All's I hafta do is say that not only do I think there's nothing wrong with the way Elves on Shelves go about their surveillance and reporting, but that I think it's such a great idea that I'd be happy to welcome an Elf on a Shelf into my very own home for the remainder of this holiday season as well as seasons in the future.  I say all that, and all that extra, pointless paperwork for my pal Santa Claus goes away.

But I'm not okay with the Elves on Shelves.  I'm not even a little bit okay with who they are or what they do.  I think they're wrong.  I think they're especially wrong for holding Santa Claus's free time hostage.  I think that these Naughty Reports of theirs say more about them than they do about me.

On a larger scale, Friends, I just don't think it's right for the Elves on Shelves to be so doggedly devoted to twenty-four-seven "Nice."  I'll tell ya what. I'm a good little kid when I'm out and about.  I'm polite and sweet in restaurants.  I don't beg or throw tantrums in stores.  I'm a pleasant play partner at the playground.  And for the most part, I'm Nice at home. 

Sometimes, though, a Little Kid needs to let off a little steam, and she needs a safe place to do just that, far from judgy eyes and clucking tongues.  Give a kid a chance to let off some steam at home, and being Out In Public is just easier for all of us, Friends.  Insist that we be Good all the time, and that's asking for trouble.

You Big People are just exactly the same way, but insteadda laying down on the floor and kicking and screaming, your bad public behavior can include berating a cashier or waitress, driving without manners, and lashing out at everyone and being spiteful.  How would YOU like it if you were followed, all the time, and pressured to keep a bland smile on your face, and not yell even if you were on FIRE!

So with my deepest apologies to Santa Claus, I cannot just say I didn't mean everything I've said about the Elves on Shelves.  I cannot pretend that I'm okay with them, because I'm not.  I will figure out a way to help Santa Claus with all the extra paperwork I've caused him, but I think he would agree with me that it would be insidiously naughty for me to say I believe something I don't believe, and to pretend to be okay with something I'm really not okay with.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, Big People.  I wish the Elves on Shelves would just take a step back, take a breath and remember that instead of focusing on every little Naughty, they should take a holistic approach to Little Kids, that as long as the Nice outweighs the Naughty, things are gonna be all right.

I love ya lots, Friends, but I've gotta go for now.  I've got a lot of thinkin' to do.

Muah.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Zo, Speedracer Zo!

I'm racin' with Team Santa today!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Monday to you!

You know, all this gobbledygook with the Elves on Shelves has had me kinda high-strung lately.  There's no reasoning with them.  There's no talking to them.  Even Santa can't get through to them, and it's had him stressed out, havin' to deal with false Naughty Reports the Elves send back to him on all the Little Kids like me who've dared rebel against the Elves on Shelves.  I'm not alone in my skepticism of the Elves on Shelves' motives, and for all you other Little Kids out there, fighting the tyranny of these red-and-white clad shelf-sitting vermin, keep fighting the power.  We are not alone.  Vive la revolution!

Anyways, today Santa Claus is taking some time out of his workshopping and his mall touring and we're going to the races in the Cheer Cup race.  I'm driving one of Santa's cars today. 

Sometimes the only thing in the world that blows off the kind of steam that's been building up since the Elves on Shelves turned up for Christmas Season 2015 is drivin' a loud, fast car around and around a racetrack, dirt flyin' in all directions, spin-outs, crashes...

It's the good stuff, right there. 

I don't really care whether I win or lose the Cheer Cup today, Big People.  I'm just glad to have the opportunity to drive in the race today.  I plan to come back tomorrow, refreshed and ready to fight another day against the infernal Elves on Shelves.

I love ya lots, Friends!  Muah!

Sunday, December 13, 2015

All The Ways I'm Not Naughty

My record speaks for itself, Big People.
Well, Friends, it's Sunday.  I know you've been wondering how my Little Elf Car Empire has been going, and the answer is that it's been going well, but not all Elves on Shelves are into customizing, showing, and racing little elf cars, so while I managed to distract those Elves on Shelves who DO like that stuff, there are those Elves on Shelves who seem to regard submitting false Naughty Reports to Santa Clause as their hobby, and they will not be deterred from that pursuit.

Friends, you'll remember that the Elves on Shelves do not like me because I said I wouldn't invite one into my home this Holiday Season.  That launched a whole big thing.  It's pretty ridiculous because even Santa... or should I say especially Santa knows I am not a Naughty Kid.

I really think my record speaks for itself, Friends.  I am a Nice Kid who has moments of extremely high spirits and perhaps intermittent streaks of stubbornness.  None of these things should outweigh my inherently sweet and thoughtful nature.  For instance, when I see a Little Kid when I'm out and about, nine times out of ten, I will introduce myself to that Little Kid first, strike up a conversation, make 'em feel welcome, and get the playtime started.  The other ten percent of the time, I run into a Little Kid who's even more outgoing than I am, or I'm already talkin' to someone and I just don't see the other Little Kid in question before he or she sees me, to introduce myself first.

Sure, I talk back to Mommy sometimes when we're here at home.  I can get ugly when I'm havin' my hair washed, because she always picks the wrong shampoo.  Do I scream over nothing when she's brushing out my hair?  Of course I do!  The negative overtone has already been set by her choosing the wrong shampoo!  Thing of it is, though, I'm not bratty when we're out-n-about.  I go along with Mommy when she says to.  I'm considerate of the other Little Kids and the Big People around me.  I'm not a nuisance.  When it's obvious someone doesn't want my company, I go find other ways to entertain myself, insteadda keepin' pokin' at 'em until they like me.  Nobody likes that.  And when I go to the doctor and need a shot, I don't flip out like I've seen some do.  I say "OW!" and let that be that. 

I don't make scenes at restaurants.  I mean, I did that one time, when I was one.  I was overtired and cranky and I just flipped out.  I couldn't help it.  I'm older now.  Now, I order my own darn food and beverage.  I say please and thank you to my server.  I don't yell and make the delicate Big People around me feel uncomfortable.

Although one time I DID throw Mommy's camera in the toilet, I must use the "I was one!" defense again and point out that I have not done sucha thing since.  In fact, I've learned to use a Big People camera like a champ, and I respect the technology and the sanctity of a camera and would not think to throw one in the toilet now!

I give my pal Rozzie hugs-n-cookies when she looks like she needs 'em. 

Never, ever have I ever drawn on a wall.

See?  I have my moments of naughtiness, but I am not Naughty.  I am an actualized, three-dimensional person, not a two-dimensional line drawing caricature of what  Little Kid is.  There is not one three-dimensional person I've ever met, big or small, that's good and happy and smiling ALL the time.  We all get grouchy every now and again.  You get grouchy sometimes, Big People Friends.  It just isn't fair or realistic to expect us Little Kids to fling glitter and rainbows and unicorn dandruff around all the time, even and especially here in December, just for the sake of not windin' up on Santa's Naughty List.  For real.

There is real naughtiness in this world, Friends.  It isn't just perpetrated by Little Kids, either.  If the Elves on Shelves just turned their powers of espionage and manipulation upon those who ARE truly naughty, and if they just spent less time filing bogus Naughty Reports on good Little Kids like me whose only transgression, really, is speaking out against the Elves on Shelves, imagine the true naughtiness these red-clad wretched little creatures could expunge from this world.  Imagine it, Friends.

Big People, I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow.  Muah!

Elves on Shelves, well, you know how I feel about you as a group.  Thing of it is, I think if we got to know each other individually, we probably wouldn't hate each other so much!  How about that?!  Your move!

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Breaking Eighties

I get lost in my mind and I love those crispy fries!
Well, hiya, Big People!  Happy Saturday to you!

Ya know, I've loved the 1980s for a long time, for as far back as I can remember.  One of the things I found most intriguing about that decade is the fashions. In the parlance of the time, 1980s fashions were totally radical!

Your funny and ubiquitous black hats that all of you perched on your heads for many occasions, including school pictures, really captured my attention and my imagination, and that is the spirit that inspired my outfit today.

Once I put on the outfit and had the black hat perched perfectly on my head, I started singing a well-known 1980s hit called "Lost In My Mind."  You know the song, Big People.  It's by that one girl who wasn't Tiffany, and she also sang "ElectroCUTE," "Only Vanilla Ice Cream," and "Foolish Beats."

The 1980s sure were something, Big People. I might not have gotten to see 'em firsthand, but you can bet your Walkman that I'm gonna do whatever I can to keep the spirit of the 1980s alive in people's hearts and minds and ears and eyes!

I love ya lots, Big People!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, December 11, 2015

Dr. Zoe's In The House!

Sharing is caring, but not when it comes to germs!  Wash your hands!
Hiya, Friends!  It's me, Dr. Zoe, and today, I have some tips for how to get through Cold-n-Flu Season!

As you can imagine, this is a germy time of year around St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital.  Well, it's a pretty germy time everywhere.

Oh my goodness, Friends.  Germs lurk on door-handles, grocery cart handles, computer keyboards, coffee cups, pencils, pens, money, and even in the very air.

You know that you've gotta wash your hands, to prevent yourself from getting sick.  Eat well and keep hydrated, too.

Sometimes, though, despite your best efforts, you're gonna catcha cold.  It happens to all of us, Friends.  When you do catcha cold, it's really important that you don't spread germs to others.  Stay home if you can.  Cough and sneeze into your elbow- remember: "Use your wing!"  If you know you've coughed or sneezed on something, use a Clorox Wipe to wipe it off.  Keep hand sanitizer and Kleenexes on you, so you're prepared for any eventuality. 

And for Pete's Sake, if you're REALLY sick, like you're running a fever, your eyes are bright red, stuff's coming out your nose, and you keep coughing, seriously, seriously, STAY THE HECK HOME!!!  Nobody will think you're a hero for going in to work like that.  Nobody's gonna praise you for your extreme dedication.  You know why?  Because first of all, if you woulda just stayed home and rested, chances are, you'd get over whatever ails ya in a day or two off work, but since you went and went to work Sick For Real, you'll wear yourself down and prolong your own illness and your own misery.  PLUS, while you're working at work while Sick For Real, you've sprayed your germs all over everything and will likely get all your coworkers sick, as well as anybody you come in contact with.  That's not the way to win Employee of the Year, People.

Remember, when in doubt, just wash your hands.  Give yourself some TLC.  Don't share your germs.

I'll see ya tomorrow, Friends.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Thursday, December 10, 2015

You Can't Pour from an Empty Cuppa Cheer!

Be well, Friends!
Well, hiya, Big People!  Happy Thursday to you!

How's your Holiday Season going, Friends?  I've been so wrapped up in this weird thing with the Elves on Shelves that I realized that I've forgotten all about makin' sure you're all cheered up this Holiday Season.

Are you?  Are you all cheered up?  Are ya keepin' up with your Holiday tasks so you don't get all stressed out at the last minute?  Are you gettin' plenty of sleep and staying hydrated?

It's important to take good care of yourself during the Holiday Season, Friends.  Besides all the holidays going on right now, wouldja believe there's little microscopic creatures called GERMS that have waged a war on us people?  It's true.  They wanna getchya sick so that you're all bah-humbuggy from now, straight through until it's time to take the tree down.  Don't let 'em!

Boyo boy, it's true.  Nothing steals away the holiday cheer like gettin' sick right in the middle of everything.  I know firsthand!  Last year, I somehow got enrolled in the Virus of the Month Club in November and December and part of January, and wound up with an ear infection and conjunctivitis, which is also known by the misleadingly cheerful moniker of "pink-eye."  Every time I look at our Christmas tree in our living room, Friends, my eyes sting a little bit, because I remember those eye-drops I had to have at this time last year!

So don't let that be you, Big People!  Keep yourself healthy and well and jolly.  You can't pour from an empty cuppa holiday cheer, so make sure yours stays full!  I love the dickens right outta ya, Friends, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Zoe: Master of Disguise!

I'm not a kid- I'm a reindeer!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Wednesday to you!

Well, ya know, I'm embroiled in this Thing with the Elves on Shelves.  I don't even have a spy-elf in my house, but somehow, they keep submitting Naughty Reports to Santa Claus about me, clogging up his workflow, right here during his busy season. 

While my plan to distract the Elves on Shelves with little elf cars is working slowly but surely, it's working slowly, like I said.  And Santa Claus is still kinda less than jolly about the whole thing.

That's why today, insteadda me bein' me, I'm masquerading as a reindeer.  An eight-pointer.  I'm going to avoid the woods, because it's still huntin' season here, but so far, my disguise is helping me evade the eyes of the dastardly spy-elves.  The only thing I see foiling my plan is that my arms are gonna get tired, holding my hands up like antlers.  Other than that, this plan of mine is watertight.

You know, Friends, sometimes, the goodness of my ideas scares even me.  Some of the things I come up with are quite brilliant.  Don't worry.  I'm not gonna get that bigga head about it.  I'll stay humble.  I just wanna acknowledge that I am full of really, really, ridiculously good ideas.

Hey.  I'll be seein' ya tomorrow, mmmkay?  I love the daylights right outta ya!  Be good!  If the spy-elves aren't watchin' me, you bet they're probably lookin' atchyoo!  Muah!

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Glitterbombed!

Gettin' glitter-bombed is a win-win for me, I think!
Hiya, Big People!

Well, I thought I was gonna hafta wanna tell ya today that my plan to distract the Elves on Shelves with a hobby of customizing, cruising, and even racing little elf cars has been a raging success, but today, I hafta wanna tell ya that it's even more successful than I thought it'd be!

Wanna know how I know?

Well, some of the bigwig Elves on Shelves sent me a GLITTERBOMB today! 

That's a win-win, I think, because first of all, I LOVE glitter, and it was so exciting to open up the package and have glitter explode EVERYWHERE!  When the O'Lanterns told me that people send glitterbombs to people they don't like, and that the Elves on Shelves were sending me a message, I sure got THEIR message! They're frusterated, on accounta little elf cars are takin' up a lot of the Elves on Shelves' time, and they're starting to be distracted from spyin' on me and other Little Kids!

Sure, I have a puddle of glitter on the floor now, but I think it's fabulous.  The Elves on Shelves are frusterated, so I'm winning.  I'm WINNING!

Hey.  I'll see ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots, Big People!  Muah!

Monday, December 7, 2015

Meet the Team from Skelly's Dem Bones Pipeworx!

Meet Slim Pickens and Friday, Friends!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Monday to you!

Friends, this Little Elf Car thing is rolling along nicely!  Today, I wanted to introduce you to part of the team from Skelly's Dem Bones Pipeworx!  They're my very good friends.  Slim Pickens wears a bow-tie and handles the imports and exports at Skelly's Dem Bones Pipeworx, while Friday in in charge of acquisitions.  They stopped by to say hi!

Friday and Slim Pickens regret that none of the actual fabricators could stop in and see ya, but they've had to ramp up production, since one of the Elves on Shelves saw a picture of one of the Little Elf Cars in a banner ad that the O'Lanterns put out yesterday, and they're getting orders for custom pipe-cleaner roll cages.

Looks like some of the Elves on Shelves are going to do some racing, or maybe off-roading.  It's hard to tell.

Obviously, I don't get too free with my questions, on accounta I don't want the Elves on Shelves to know the O'Lanterns and their talented but spooky friends are in cahoots with me... or should I say In Car-Hoots.... Hahahaha!  A little cross-promotion for my pal Hoot the Owl!

Friends, I'm gonna find a solution to this Shelf Elf problem yet.  You mark my words! 

I love ya lots, Big People, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, December 6, 2015

In Car-Hoots Little Car Parts and Customizations

Meet Hoot from In Car-Hoots Little Car Parts and Customizations!
Friends, I knew if I put the O'Lanterns onto my Elves on Shelves problem, they'd get work done.  Yesterday's idea to give the Elves on Shelves a purpose in the Little Elf Cars Industry that didn't even exist until I thought it up, has taken wing, literally!

You see, the O'Lanterns and I have a friend name Hoot the Owl, and Hoot runs a car parts place called In Car-Hoots Car Parts and Customizations.  He tried to make a go of it in the Big People Car world, but there's just too much customization, plus he and Rat Fink don't get along so well, with Hoot being an owl and Rat Fink being a rat and all. 

So Hoot and the O'Lanterns got hold of a shrink-ray (I don't ask questions!) and shrank down all of Hoot's car customization inventory and made it Little Elf Car sized.  And Hoot has a friend named Frank who does graphics and runs a business called FrankenGrafix (when they spell 'graphics' as 'grafix,' you KNOW they're good!) who's gonna take referrals to do up Little Elf Cars with the sickest grafix out there.  They also have a fabricator named Skelly.  Skelly's business is Dem Bones PipeWorx.  He can fab anything, that Skelly.  Roll cages, custom exhausts.  That sorta thing. I'll bet by the end of the day, the O'Lanterns will have lined up companies to take care of engines, transmissions, brakes, carbs and fuel injectors, instrument panel, and interiors.

This Little Elf Car industry is happening, Big People.  The Elves on Shelves are too imperious to be intimidated, but I can't fathom that they're above a cool diversion like Little Elf Cars.

Hey.  I have a LOT of work to do, so I'll hafta see ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots, Friends!  Muah!

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Turn 'Em from Their Tattle-Talin' Ways!

If they have little cars to drive, the Elves won't bother me!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Saturday to you, and all that. 

Well, we had a nice day off yesterday from the Elves on Shelves drama yesterday, didn't we?  I know I sure as heck enjoyed it.  However, these little Elves on Shelves are so relentless!

Anyways, I had a GREAT idea for a peaceful way to occupy the Elves on Shelves so they don't have time to submit bogus naughty reports to Santa Claus!

I've been buildin' the Elves on Shelves little cars that they can drive around and customize and drive around some more and wash and detail and drive around and customize some more.

I think this is a great idea, because in my world, they say to get your kids into classic cars so they won't have money to buy drugs.  My own Daddy has gotten me into classic cars.  I figured if I could find a hobby for the Elves on Shelves, they'd be too wrapped up in making their little cars pretty or mean or fast or outrageous, and they'd stop the naughty reports on me!

I think what I'm gonna do is have the O'Lanterns set up a whole little elf-car parts business, with an e-commerce site and everything, and organize swap-meets and conventions, and that way the Elves on Shelves will be so busy with their hobby that they'll turn from their tattle-talin' ways!

We'll see how this goes, Big People!  I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, December 4, 2015

What Punctuation Mark Am I?

Punctuation matters, Friends!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Friday to ya! 

Well, ya know, I love to think about things, and sometimes I'm known to have some pretty deep thoughts when I'm thinking, and the thoughts I'm thinking today are about punctuation marks. 

Namely, if I were a punctuation mark, which one would I be?

I know I wouldn't be a comma.  Commas indicate a pause.  I also would not be ellipses for the same reason.  I value those things, and I value pauses, but I wouldn't say those things define me. 

Now, the case could be made that I'd be a question mark, because I ask a lot of questions.  This would be missing the point, however.  I ask questions because I like to learn things.  I do not question the very being of me.  I don't question why I'm here.  I don't question my essence.  There are those who do, and that's cool.  But that just isn't me.  I know who and why I am.  I just ask to learn.

Now, you've got the exclamation point to consider. Exclamation points are excitement! energy! decisiveness!  They back more punch than a mundane period.  They explode off the page.  Exclamation points pop! They say "Here I am!"  I love, love, LOVE exclamation points!

Combining the best of the question mark and the exclamation point is the interrobang, which is this thing: ‽  It's an exclamation point within a question mark, and you're probably used to seeing it represented thus: ?!  It signals surprise, or in the case of a kid tryin' to figure out which punctuation mark she is, it's a questioner who's very emphatic about her questions.  It's less passive than a question mark.  It's a little combative, but in a good way.  An interrobang cannot be ignored.  An interrobang is in-your-face.

I think I could be an interrobang, and I didn't set out to pick that as my definitive punctuation mark.  But the more I've talked to you about it, the more I really like it.  It really does combine the best of the questioning question mark and the popping excitement of an exclamation point!

Friends, I didn't even hafta go through all the punctuation marks to decide.  Which punctuation mark are YOU, do you think? 

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Reinforcements

I see you, Elves on Shelves, and raise you two Jack O'Lanterns!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Thursday to you!

So after yesterday's time I spent as a kid-size Elf on a Shelf, my opinion remains unchanged about them.  In turn, their insistence on submitting my name to Santa's Naughty List remains steadfast as well, even though no Elf is on any of the shelves in my house!  How would these Elves who are not on my shelves know whether I'm bein' naughty or nice?

Normally, Santa Claus himself would step in and put an end to this, but this is right the heck during his busy season!  He doesn't have time for this!  In fact, when I told Santa Claus that I thought the Elves on Shelves were welching on our agreement, on accounta I DID spend the day as an Elf on a Shelf, and they said if I did, they'd stop sending Santa the nuisance Naughty Reports on me, however the Elves on Shelves told Santa that although that was how they worded it to me, what they MEANT was that in order for them to stop the Naughty Reports, I needed to spend a day as an Elf on a Shelf AND write a blog post saying that I was entirely wrong about the Elves on Shelves, that I now appreciate what they do, that I had no idea their jobs were so hard, and that I'm very, very sorry for ever trying to stir up a Little Kid rebellion against them.

It's kinda funny, but I didn't even KNOW I was tryin' to incite a rebellion!

Anyways, back to me and Santa.  When I was tellin' him all this, he got a little snippy, which is unusual for Santa Claus, but he said "Zoe, I know all this, but I don't have TIME for this nonsense right now!  You need to sort this out with the Elves on Shelves!"

Then he went back to work in his workshop, which is how it should be, this time of year, I suppose, but he didn't say HOW I was supposed to sort this out with the Elves on Shelves, especially since there appears to be no reasoning with them, and no middle ground!  I either have to agree with them a hundred percent, or they're going to keep filing those bogus Naughty Reports, giving me a bad name and clogging up Santa's Naughty and Nice Reporting System!

So here's what I did.  I enlisted the help of my friends the Jack O'Lanterns.  Irish lads.  You may remember them from my Halloween Display.  The Jack O'Lanterns don't care for the Elves on Shelves much.  They were thrilled to have the opportunity to help me take these infernal shelf-sitting elves down a shelf or two, but they haven't told me how they're going to do so, and I'm not going to ask.  You just let the O'Lanterns do their thing when you ask for their help.

I'm still baffled as to why having a dissenting opinion and voicing it equates to bein' naughty, though, Big People.  Especially when I voice my dissenting opinion on my very own blog.  But.  The O'Lanterns are on it, and I feel like I can breathe a little easier already.

You have a good day, Friends!  I know I will!  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Sitting A Mile on Their Shelf

Sitting in for an Elf on the Shelf for a day.
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Wednesday to you!

Well, you know, I seem to have a flair for schuschelling up drama wherever I go, and this thing with the Elves on Shelves has escalated to a full-on Thing.

As it turns out, the Elves on Shelves submitted a Naughty Report to Santa Claus about ME, even though there has never been an Elf on a Shelf spying on me in my house, so far as I know.  Now, Santa Claus doesn't have TIME for this kinda thing, and he told the Elves so, but they want me to stop my anti-Shelf Elf rhetoric, and they told Santa Claus that they're going to submit Naughty Reports about me, every morning until Christmas, unless I stop.  Santa Claus can't just ignore the reports, lest it look like I'm getting preferential treatment, so every time a Naughty Report comes through, he has to review it and decide how to proceed.

However, the Elves on Shelves said if I sat a mile on their shelf, so I could understand how difficult and important their jobs are, they'd think about bombarding Santa Clause with their Naughty Reports.  Santa Claus told me that if I sat on a shelf for a day, he would disregard any Naughty Reports about me from the Elves on Shelves.

I'm not completely heartless, Friends, so I agreed to it, to save Santa Claus a headache. 

So here I am.  Sitting a mile on the shelf of a Shelf Elf.  Sure.  I see some weird stuff, and I hear some juicy gossip, but this is NOT a difficult job that the Elves on Shelves do, Big People.  They just sit and watch and tattle.  That's the beginning, middle, and end of it.  It's so simple that a four-year-old could do it!

I will say, though, Friends, that my bottom gets numb, sitting there still, all day! For that, the Elves on Shelves have my sympathy, but I still think they're unnecessary, and expressing my opinion does not make me naughty, Friends, no matter what the Elves on Shelves say!  How about that?!

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

The Elves on Shelves Respond!

I stand beside, behind, and in front of yesterday's blog post, Big People!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Tuesday to you!

You know, I can hardly swing an opinion by the tail around here on this blog without it hittin' somebody and gettin' 'em all up in arms, and my opinion on the Elves on Shelves is no exception.

Well, you know, the Elves on Shelves go all up in arms because they think I was minimizing what they do because I don't understand the importance of what they do.  So I asked them to clarify the importance of what they do.

Basically, what it boiled down to is that their department at the North Pole was about to be cut, and Santa Claus was going to put them out on the production floor with other elves, and the Elves on Shelves decided to go out into the homes of Little Kids and show Santa Claus just how important their "behavior control" is to his operations.  And the Elves on Shelves Intelligence Agency just ballooned.  Their work is important to them because they've convinced Big People with Little Kids that their work is important.

I telephoned my good friend Santa Claus and asked HIM about the Elves on Shelves, and you wanna know what he told me?  He told me that they'd be more useful if they were up at his workshop, on the production floor, than being ornamental in Little Kids' homes, and furthermore, it kinda annoys him whenever an Elf on a Shelf reports to him moderately bad behavior that could be managed by a Parental Unit and would not make a significant difference in the status of the Little Kids Naughty or Nice List positioning.  Santa Claus says that if the Elves on Shelves could restrict themselves to reporting actual naughty behavior, such as being mean to animals, being mean to other little kids, setting the house on fire, and big things like that, they'd be moderately useful, even though Santa Claus knows about all that stuff anyways, without the reports.  He says that the constant reports that little Johnny refuses to eat his peas or Jenny flushed too much toilet paper down the toilet and clogged it all up are a different kind of matter entirely and have no business being on a Naughty or Nice Report.  In fact, Santa Claus says that he wishes that the Elves on Shelves would change their punitive focus and send him reports on when Little Kids are behaving exceptionally, doing super-nice things for others, being extra-helpful around the house for the sake of being extra-helpful around the house. 

So.  My opinion on the Elves on Shelves stands.  And they are not welcome in my house. How about that?!

Monday, November 30, 2015

Shelves Without Elves

No elves on my shelves! I prefer my shelves elfless!
Hiya, Friends! 

You know, it's the holiday season, and all you Grownups are tryin' to devise ways to keep Little Kids like me in line.  It's come to my attention that you've even enlisted the help of little spy-elves who station themselves on shelves in Little Kids' houses, and then trek back to the North Pole overnight to fill Santa Claus in on all the things the Little Kid does during the day.

I think this is a low-down, sneaky thing to do to a Little Kid, Big People!  Our lives are difficult enough, without having a little tattle-taling elf in our midst, filing a report every time we behave in sucha way that you Grownups deem unfit for the Holiday Season.

Also, it's a wee bit of a double standard, don'tchya think? 

Bear with me. 

Take complaining, for instance.  A Little Kid complaint would light up the Elf on a Shelf's tattling receptors and there'd be a report on the "bad" behavior filed so fast it'd make its little elvish head spin.  But what aboutchyoo Big People?  I don't suppose you EVER complain?

What about gettin' tired and bein' contrary.  Behavior such as this would have a Little Kid sent straight to time-out, and a report filed by the Elf on a Shelf.  But you Grownups never get tired and cranky and contrary and uncooperative?  Does anybody file reports on YOU with Santa Claus?

Nope! 

In the end, all we Little Kids want is to have our voices be heard.  We wanna be listened to.  Just like you.  We don't need a spying elf ratting us out to Santa Claus.  Besides, I think the Big Man at the North Pole understands us Little Kids a lot better than you think he does, and he certainly understands us a lot better than you Big People do, sometimes!  How about that?!

I am proud to say that my shelves will be without elves this holiday season!  I love ya just the same, though, Big People!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Ridin' the Rails on the Fun Train!

I'm an engineer on the Fun Train, Friends!  How about that?!  All aboard!
Hiya, Friends! 

Well, I guess ya know, with me being around all those trains recently, I've become something of a train enthusiast. 

In fact, I've become such a train enthusiast, I decided I'd become a train engineer.  This entailed my purchase of a train engineer costume from the gift shop at the Pennsylvania Railroad Museum, as well as a train whistle souvenir.  That part of the deal went splendidly, and now I'm a train engineer!

My train that I drive is called the Fun Train, although I did my apprenticeship on the Crazy Train.  That was a good time, but somebody else is already engineering the Crazy Train right now, and there's a deep waiting list to take over, so I decided I'd just go drive the Fun Train instead.  So far, it's working out great!

That just goes to show you, Friends, that if you have a dream, you should follow it.  That's how I live, and I think it works GREAT!  Hey.  I'd better get going.  The Fun Train is about to leave on an excursion, but I'll see ya tomorrow.  I love ya lots!  Muah!

Saturday, November 28, 2015

I Got All The Way to the Mall and...

Oh, good grief, I'm at the wrong mall!
Oh, Friends, what a day, WHAT A DAY!!! 

I decided to see what all the fuss about Black Friday shoppin' is all about and arranged to meet up with my other Little Kid Friends at the Mall.

I hopped in my Fancy Orange Convertible and ventured out to the Mall.  It was a really nice drive.  I put on the musics I like to listen to, and drove on the highway.  I've gotta say, as a highway driver, I'm pretty courteous.  I move over so other cars can merge in, I drive at a reasonable speed, and when it's my turn to use the on-ramp to merge into traffic, I do so with a quiet confidence.  Zoom! And away I go!

Needless to say, it's a pretty long drive to the Mall, but also needless to say, I make the best of long drives!

Well, here's what happened.  I got all the way to the Mall, and parked my fabulous orange convertible car at the Main Entrance parking lot, section A4, to be exact, because that's where my Little Kid Friends and I agreed to park, and...

My Little Kid Friends were nowhere to be found! 

Just about when I was startin' to panic, my cellular telephone rang.  It was my Little Kid Friends.  As it turns out, they were at another Mall, in the Main Entrance parking lot, section A4, and there was no me to be found...

I had driven all that way to the wrong mall, which was coincidentally two hours in the opposite direction from my house from the mall where my Little Kid Friends were waiting for me!  I coulda driven up to meet them, or they coulda driven over to meet me, but it woulda wasted even more of the whole day.

So they went shoppin' at the Mall where they met up, and I went shoppin' at the Mall where I ended up, and we sent each other pictures of the things we were shoppin' for.

And then I made some new Little Kid Friends outta the kids that were at the Mall I drove to.

You'd be surprised how many of us were supposed to be meetin' friends at The Mall, only to find we'd driven to the wrong Mall.  Isn't that something?!

There's always a bright side, Friendskies!  I'll see ya tomorrow! 
I love ya lots!  Muah!

Friday, November 27, 2015

Black-and-White Friday!

On a day like today, you've gotta get back to the Black and White Friday Basics!
Hiya, Big People! 

Didja survive the Major Eatin' Holiday yesterday? 

Didja get up in the middle of the night to get an early jump on the Major Shoppin' Holiday of today?

I didn't.  I do my shoppin' online.  Actually, I have people who do my shoppin' for me.  I'm that bigga deal!  Haha!

Anyway, while you Big People are celebratin' Black Friday, I'm celebratin' Black and White Friday.  All that means is that I'm havin' my picture taken in black and white today.  It's fun in an old-timey kinda way, but I hafta admit that I also feel so dignified. 

The car behind me is nice, to.  Someday, my Pink Pedal Car hopes to grow up to be as big and dignified as this car I'm with.

Have fun out there, Friends!  Get your feet into some comfy shoes, take regular breaks to hydrate nad rest, and do Black Friday right if you're gonna do it!  I love ya lots!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving to You!

Give thanks for all the things that make ya smile... like ICE CREAM CONES!
Hiya, Big People! 

Hey. 

Today's Thanksgiving Day, and I'm plannin' on watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on the television, here in a little bit, and then goin' to Gramma's to have turkey and pie and an assortment of side dishes, but first, I wanted to drop in on ya and say Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope ya know it every day, but I'd better tell ya today, especially, since it's Thanksgiving, and all, when I give thanks for all the things that make me smile, you're on toppa my list, Big People.  Well, you and ice cream cones.  And cupcakes.  All those things, as well as you, Friends.  That's the toppa my list of things that make me smile that I'm thankful for. 

So have a wonderful Thanksgiving, Friends!  I love ya lots, and I'll be seein' ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Strikin' Out on Strikin' Up a Friendship!

Peter Stonewall and I aren't speaking currently.
Friends, remember what I said yesterday about how you could strike up conversations and friendships on the train?  Remember how I said that, and how wonderful I thought that woulda been?

Well, as it turns out, not everybody ya meet around trains is wanting to strike up conversation and friendship.

Take, for instance, the case of Mr. Peter Stonewall, pictured with me in today's picture.  Mr. Peter Stonewall looked like he was a lonely fella, so I marched up to him and said "Hiya!  I'm Zoe, and I'm four!  I'd like to be your friend!"  And do ya know what Mr. Stonewall said back to me?  Nothing.  In fact, he just kept a stony glare on his face, the whole time I was tryin' to be friendly.

In fact, I don't even know what his real name is.  I thought Peter Stonewall was a fitting name for this fella, since talkin' to him was like trying to talk to a stone wall.  The whole experience left me feelin' frusterated and my feelings were hurt, but I got to buy an ice cream from a real, honest-to-goodness ice cream truck that was outside the museum, so that made me feel a little better.

Hey.  I'll see YOU tomorrow, Big People.  I love ya lots.  Muah!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

A Kind of Train I Can Support!

Steam trains are trains that I really like!
Friends, if you've been followin' along with me for any amount of time, you'll know that I like certain kinds of train better than I like other kinds of train.

For instance, I don't like the "potty train."  All that train has ever brought me is tears and frustration and the occasional sticker or Skittle, but once it seems like I'm gettin' the hang of it, the stickers and Skittles stop coming my way, so I've gotta mess up so Mommy will reward me again for my efforts at learning.  And the trick is I've gotta make it look like it's an accident.

That's neither here nor there for this post, though.

Recently, I visited a museum where they have a whole buncha trains.  The trains are just beautiful, and what really wowed me is that those trains used to roam wild on tracks, throughout the land! And they stopped in every little town!  Why, you could get on the train in Elmer or Mills or Lewisville, say, and ride that train pertineer anywhere you wanted to go!  All you needed was a train ticket... no driver's license necessary! 

You can see why such an arrangement would be attractive to a Little Kid such as myself.

Also, on the train, there'd be a whole buncha other people ridin' the train to pertineer anywhere they wanted to go.  Could you imagine the conversations and friendships you could strike up on a train?

Friends, I love ya lots!  I'll see ya tomorrow! Muah!

Monday, November 23, 2015

My Style Strategy!

Style is ten percent clothings, ninety-five percent attitude!
Hiya, Friends! 

Well, ya know, I like my fashions, and I like to dress nice, no matter if I'm just watching the television, or if I'm out and about.  I guess you could call me a fashion enthusiast, but what I'm really goin' for is havin' my very own style.

I think I'm well on my way to havin' my very own style.  I definitely have a strategy!

First, I choose clothings that reflect my vision of what my style even is.  I like bright colors, animal prints, interesting graphics, and some lace, frills, and sequins.

Second, I value washability, comfort, and functionality.  One time, I had a dressy-dress that was just gorgeous, but it was scratchy, and all's I could do in it was sit around, lookin' cute.  That's fine and all, but I'm a little lady on the move, so I repel clothings such as fancy dressy-dresses these days.

Third, and most importantly, if not most difficult to capture and-or imitate, is my attitude.  That right there is the difference between me wearin' my clothes and my clothes wearin' me.  I can tell ya that my attitude includes a smile most of the time, but I don't know how to put my attitude in a bottle so it's available for mass consumption.  I think that's the part you gotta do all for yourself, whether your style is posh or nerdy or whatever.  You gotta figure out your own attitude and make it work for you.

Whatever your style, Friends, I love the dickens right outta ya!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Sunday, November 22, 2015

My Friend Fozzie!

I just love this Fozzie fella, Friends!
Hiya, Friends!

You know, I love to travel, and I love to make new friends wherever I go.  But my favorite thing is traveling and meeting an established friend by chance while doing something I really, really love!

This recently happened, when I traveled to Lancaster to sleep in a caboose.  I met my friend Fozzie Bear, right at the motel!  And we went for a drive in his Classic Red Roadster.  He even let me drive. 

How about that?!

What I love most about Fozzie Bear is that he's funny, but even when he tells a clinker of a joke, which happens often, he doesn't let it get him down.  He doesn't let the failure define him.

I was already pretty excited to go on a road trip, but getting to see Fozzie and drive his Classic Red Roadster was just the icing on the roadtrip cupcake, Friends! 

I hope you have a friend that is as good to you as Fozzie Bear is to me!  I love ya lots, Big People!  I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Karaoke Rhapsody

I see a little silhouetto of a man! Saramouche! Scaramouche!
Hiya, Big People!  Happy Saturday to you!

You know, sometimes things get pretty unhumorous around the Department of Humorous Healing at St. Laffalotatus- Mercy-Mercy Hospital, when we're running around, trying to keep all our patients' spirits lifted.  We do our best to stay upbeat ourselves, but sometimes, we all get hit with the whammie.

When the whammy happens in the Department, we take action.  We have a day for Departmental Decompression Activities.  Sometimes we go to a Velcro Wall, sometimes we do Lifesize Inflatable Sumo Suit Bowling, sometimes we race extremely slow go-karts. 

My favorite Departmental Decompression Activity, though, is when we go to Karaoke!  Now, none of us in the Department missed our calling to be great singers, but when we're at Karaoke, we can pretend we are, and we can laugh at ourselves.  It lifts us right out of the doldrums.

My favorite Karaoke song right now is when we all sing "Bohemian Rhapsody" together.  That song is a classic.  When I sing my solo Karaoke, I like "Total Eclipse of the Heart."  Singing big, melodramatic music is the BEST for combating the doldrums we sometimes fall into in the Department of Humorous Healing.

You oughtta give it a try, Friends!  Sing loud!  I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!

Friday, November 20, 2015

Training for Black Friday!

It pays to be prepared for Major Shopping Holidays!
Hiya, Friends!  Happy Friday to you! 

You know, it's the last Friday before the Big Shopping Friday of the Year.  I don't know if you were aware of that or not, but I think of it as my public service to keep you apprised of what's happening on the calendar, so... you're welcome!

Anyways, I know you Big People are too smart to go into a Major Shopping Holiday without some serious planning and preparation, but I wanna just give ya a reminder of all the stuff you need to do for trainin' before you head out shopping next Friday!

Remember to wear comfortable shoes!  Have ya ever heard that sayin' that if your feet hurt, your work suffers?  Well, on Black Friday, shoppin' is your work, and you don't wanna get the people on your shoppin' list completely inappropriate presents, on accounta your feet hurtin' and impeding your ability to focus on your task at hand!

Next, have a list ready.  You can keep it in your telephone, or you can carry around a paper list.  But you've gotta write down who all you're shoppin' for, and check it twice, so you don't miss anybody, and then write a quick thumbnail of the direction you wanna head in your shopping for each person.

Wear layers!  If you live in the Northeast like I do, your shoppin' weather could be hot, cold, snowy, rainy, sunny... just be prepared.  Bring a big coat with ya to keep in the car, and dress in layers to keep yourself comfortable while you schuschel between the car and the stores, which are always way too hot!

Bring a snack in your pocket or bag!  I like bar-type snacks.  Gotta keep up your energy while you look for Christmas treasures!  And sometimes the lines are so long at the restaurants that you'll need a little something to hold you over until they can getchya a table!

Remember to bring along your patience and sense of humor.  Big People, your fellow humans lose their minds on Black Friday.  Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.  Be nice.  It'll be the Christmas Season, after all!


You can do it, Big People!  You still have a whole week to get into tip-top shoppin' shape!  I love ya!  And I'll see ya tomorrow!  Muah!