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Monday, January 20, 2014

Blame It on the...

That happened. How do I explain this?
Friends, you know how it is.  You're around enough, and things happen.  Thing get knocked over.  Things get spilled.

What I'm saying is sometimes, stuff happens, and you know you've gotta explain it somehow.  I mean, all effects have causes, and the Powers that Be ™generally like to have some kind of explanation.

Fortunately, there are choices, Friends.  For instance, you could blame it on the rain.  This worked GREAT for Milli Vanilli in the late 1980s.  That's why we're still talkin' about it to this day.  I wasn't even AROUND when Milli Vanilli were around, and I still know about blamin' it on the rain. 

It's good horse sense, too, because the rain can mess up a lotta stuff.  Picnics.  The rain can mess up a picnic like you wouldn't believe.  Or a car show.  Or a motorcycle ride.  Or your plans to mow your lawn on Saturday, your only day off on which you have no other commitments. 

Yes, the rain sure can mess up a lotta stuff, and I maintain that it's a good thing to blame stuff on that you don't want to take personal responsibility for yourself.

Oh, though.  Wait a minute.  The rain can mess up a lotta good things, but it also does some pretty good things for us, like gives us water, and makes trees and flowers and food grow... I LOVE food that grows!  And it fills up swimming pools and even rinses off a dusty Jeep Mommy's too lazy to take to LaserWash. ... Maybe we don't wanna be blaming things on the rain, after all.

How 'bout the rain?  Or I could blame it on the Boogie...
And really, what happened to Milli Vanilli after THEY blamed the rain?  Haven't heard much about them. ... What's that? ... Oh, one of 'em DIED?!  Was it Milli or Vanilli? ... You don't know, either?  I see.  Well, whichever one it was, I'll betchya the other one works filling the soap dispensers at LaserWash.

Let's not take the advice of Milli Vanilli.  Rain, you're off the hook.

How about the Boogie?  The Jackson Five said to Blame It on the Boogie, and I think that's excellent advice.  Boogies are gross, gross things.  There is nothing redeeming about a boogie, and I don't feel a bit guilty for pinning things getting knocked over or spilled or happening on something like a boogie.  In fact, I think you can put the boogie in a Kleenex and just throw it all away after you blame it, and you're done.  That's what.

What are you saying, Friends? ... Oh.  The Jackson Five wasn't talking about THAT kind of boogie.  I gotchya, and you're right.  That was gross.  I apologize.

I'm not sayin' it was Rozzie, but I'm pointing to the perp.  Look.
I know.  When something's been knocked over or spilled or gotten lipstick drawn all over its face and hands and the walls and floor, I know who you I can blame.

Rozzie.  Rozzie looks like just the kind of person who'd take lipstick out of Mommy's purse and draw all over me and the wall and the floor and the purse and the dining room chair and herself with it.  Especially herself, in those hard-to-reach areas.  Because Rozzie's super-flexible.  There's who I'll blame.  It was Rozzie.

Oh, hey, Rozzie!  How are you? ... No, I wasn't tellin' the people you made a mess that I made.  Would I do that? ... Okay, yes, I would, and I'm sorry.  You can stop showing me your teeth.  I've seen 'em and been impressed by 'em before.  You can put those teeth away now.  Hey, have I ever told you that Raisinberry is your color?! ... You're not interested.  Okay.  ... All right, yes, I'll go get the Magic Eraser.  You're right.  Honesty is the best policy, next to cleaning up my own mess.

Friends, I've gotta go.  Rozzie's gonna look out for Mommy for me while I clean up my mess.  I guess I won't blame it on the rain, or on the boogie, or on my best pal Rozzie.  I have it on the authority of a friend with very big teeth and a convincing manner (some would say pushy) that honesty is the best policy when it comes to matters such as this.

So I've got my work cut out for me, Friends.  I'd better go.  I'll see ya tomorrow!  I love ya!  Muah!

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