A Conundrum of Character

I don't know what to do, Big People!

Hiya, Big People!  Happy Tuesday to you.

Well, you know, I've just about had it with these Elves on Shelves. Yesterday, Santa Claus and I had a GREAT time, racing motor cars at the Cheer Cup, but when Santa got back to the North Pole, he had a stacka Naughty Reports as thick as as I am tall to wade through, all about me.  And before the Naughty Reporting Center can clear its servers for the day, Santa Claus himself has to go through and check the check-box on each report, to tell his office elves what to do about each report.

I suggested maybe adding a bulk-action command on the Naughty Reporting Database, but that can't be done, because it defeats the purpose of makin' a list and checkin' it twice.  With bulk-actions, you could miss something important, such as if, in the big stacka bogus Naughty Reports on me, there was a report on me bein' actually naughty that needed legitimate attention.

And the Chief Elf on the Shelf has declared it Naughty for any Shelf Elf to be caught driving, shopping for, buying, reading websites, and discussing anything about Little Elf Cars.  It was distracting them from their Elves on Shelves duties.

I suppose I could count this as a victory.  The O'Lanterns and I wanted to start up something that would distract the Elves on Shelves from tattling to Santa for every minor infraction (or imaginary infraction for that matter).  However, we underestimated the amount of influence and authority the Chief Elf on a Shelf has over all the other Elves on Shelves.  He snaps his little fingers, and all those Shelf Elves snap back into rank and file.

Anyways, I've been presented with a conundrum that cuts to the core of my very character.  The Elves on Shelves have said they'll stop clogging up the Naughty Reporting System with fake reports on my naughtiness if I just rescind my original comments about them.  All's I hafta do is say that not only do I think there's nothing wrong with the way Elves on Shelves go about their surveillance and reporting, but that I think it's such a great idea that I'd be happy to welcome an Elf on a Shelf into my very own home for the remainder of this holiday season as well as seasons in the future.  I say all that, and all that extra, pointless paperwork for my pal Santa Claus goes away.

But I'm not okay with the Elves on Shelves.  I'm not even a little bit okay with who they are or what they do.  I think they're wrong.  I think they're especially wrong for holding Santa Claus's free time hostage.  I think that these Naughty Reports of theirs say more about them than they do about me.

On a larger scale, Friends, I just don't think it's right for the Elves on Shelves to be so doggedly devoted to twenty-four-seven "Nice."  I'll tell ya what. I'm a good little kid when I'm out and about.  I'm polite and sweet in restaurants.  I don't beg or throw tantrums in stores.  I'm a pleasant play partner at the playground.  And for the most part, I'm Nice at home. 

Sometimes, though, a Little Kid needs to let off a little steam, and she needs a safe place to do just that, far from judgy eyes and clucking tongues.  Give a kid a chance to let off some steam at home, and being Out In Public is just easier for all of us, Friends.  Insist that we be Good all the time, and that's asking for trouble.

You Big People are just exactly the same way, but insteadda laying down on the floor and kicking and screaming, your bad public behavior can include berating a cashier or waitress, driving without manners, and lashing out at everyone and being spiteful.  How would YOU like it if you were followed, all the time, and pressured to keep a bland smile on your face, and not yell even if you were on FIRE!

So with my deepest apologies to Santa Claus, I cannot just say I didn't mean everything I've said about the Elves on Shelves.  I cannot pretend that I'm okay with them, because I'm not.  I will figure out a way to help Santa Claus with all the extra paperwork I've caused him, but I think he would agree with me that it would be insidiously naughty for me to say I believe something I don't believe, and to pretend to be okay with something I'm really not okay with.

I don't know what I'm gonna do, Big People.  I wish the Elves on Shelves would just take a step back, take a breath and remember that instead of focusing on every little Naughty, they should take a holistic approach to Little Kids, that as long as the Nice outweighs the Naughty, things are gonna be all right.

I love ya lots, Friends, but I've gotta go for now.  I've got a lot of thinkin' to do.

Muah.