All The Ways I'm Not Naughty

My record speaks for itself, Big People.

Well, Friends, it's Sunday.  I know you've been wondering how my Little Elf Car Empire has been going, and the answer is that it's been going well, but not all Elves on Shelves are into customizing, showing, and racing little elf cars, so while I managed to distract those Elves on Shelves who DO like that stuff, there are those Elves on Shelves who seem to regard submitting false Naughty Reports to Santa Clause as their hobby, and they will not be deterred from that pursuit.

Friends, you'll remember that the Elves on Shelves do not like me because I said I wouldn't invite one into my home this Holiday Season.  That launched a whole big thing.  It's pretty ridiculous because even Santa... or should I say especially Santa knows I am not a Naughty Kid.

I really think my record speaks for itself, Friends.  I am a Nice Kid who has moments of extremely high spirits and perhaps intermittent streaks of stubbornness.  None of these things should outweigh my inherently sweet and thoughtful nature.  For instance, when I see a Little Kid when I'm out and about, nine times out of ten, I will introduce myself to that Little Kid first, strike up a conversation, make 'em feel welcome, and get the playtime started.  The other ten percent of the time, I run into a Little Kid who's even more outgoing than I am, or I'm already talkin' to someone and I just don't see the other Little Kid in question before he or she sees me, to introduce myself first.

Sure, I talk back to Mommy sometimes when we're here at home.  I can get ugly when I'm havin' my hair washed, because she always picks the wrong shampoo.  Do I scream over nothing when she's brushing out my hair?  Of course I do!  The negative overtone has already been set by her choosing the wrong shampoo!  Thing of it is, though, I'm not bratty when we're out-n-about.  I go along with Mommy when she says to.  I'm considerate of the other Little Kids and the Big People around me.  I'm not a nuisance.  When it's obvious someone doesn't want my company, I go find other ways to entertain myself, insteadda keepin' pokin' at 'em until they like me.  Nobody likes that.  And when I go to the doctor and need a shot, I don't flip out like I've seen some do.  I say "OW!" and let that be that. 

I don't make scenes at restaurants.  I mean, I did that one time, when I was one.  I was overtired and cranky and I just flipped out.  I couldn't help it.  I'm older now.  Now, I order my own darn food and beverage.  I say please and thank you to my server.  I don't yell and make the delicate Big People around me feel uncomfortable.

Although one time I DID throw Mommy's camera in the toilet, I must use the "I was one!" defense again and point out that I have not done sucha thing since.  In fact, I've learned to use a Big People camera like a champ, and I respect the technology and the sanctity of a camera and would not think to throw one in the toilet now!

I give my pal Rozzie hugs-n-cookies when she looks like she needs 'em. 

Never, ever have I ever drawn on a wall.

See?  I have my moments of naughtiness, but I am not Naughty.  I am an actualized, three-dimensional person, not a two-dimensional line drawing caricature of what  Little Kid is.  There is not one three-dimensional person I've ever met, big or small, that's good and happy and smiling ALL the time.  We all get grouchy every now and again.  You get grouchy sometimes, Big People Friends.  It just isn't fair or realistic to expect us Little Kids to fling glitter and rainbows and unicorn dandruff around all the time, even and especially here in December, just for the sake of not windin' up on Santa's Naughty List.  For real.

There is real naughtiness in this world, Friends.  It isn't just perpetrated by Little Kids, either.  If the Elves on Shelves just turned their powers of espionage and manipulation upon those who ARE truly naughty, and if they just spent less time filing bogus Naughty Reports on good Little Kids like me whose only transgression, really, is speaking out against the Elves on Shelves, imagine the true naughtiness these red-clad wretched little creatures could expunge from this world.  Imagine it, Friends.

Big People, I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow.  Muah!

Elves on Shelves, well, you know how I feel about you as a group.  Thing of it is, I think if we got to know each other individually, we probably wouldn't hate each other so much!  How about that?!  Your move!