Zoe's Guide to Being Best Guest

Pay attention!  This is important!

Hiya, Friends!  Well, the Big Day's tomorrow.  Thanksgiving Day.  Now, there are a lotta places out there that tell ya how to get all hopped up to be a great Thanksgiving Day Host, but as I'm not in that place yet, to host a Feast, I'd like to pass on some of my ideas on how to be the best Thanksgiving Guest around!  I'll start with Things Not To Do, or you could end up on a permanent Unvite List, and then go on to how to be the Best!  How 'bout it, Friends?

Okay, here we go!

First of all, remember that you're a guest in someone else's home.  That means you oughtta stay in the designated Guest Area of the home.  For instance, if the home where you're Thanksgivinging in has a bathroom downstairs for guests (usually called a guest bathroom), stay downstairs and use the guest bathroom.  Don't wander upstairs to the bathroom up there, unless there's someone in the guest bathroom and you really hafta go.  If it's practicable, ask first by saying something like "Hey, there's somebody in the guest bathroom down here, can I use the bathroom upstairs real quick?!"

I'm sure your host will be gracious and say sure!

So, that brings up my next point.  If you're using a bathroom other than one designed for visitors, remember that your host was gracious enough to allow you to use it, and even that your host was gracious enough to invite you into their home.  You be a gracious guest and don't snoop through the cupboards or the medicine cabinet, mmmmkay?  My friend Sabretooth had this problem with a friend of a friend when he'd have dinner parties.  He suspected that his friend Iceberg Penguin's friend Prissy was going through his medicine cabinet, so he invited them over to his house and put MARBLES in the medicine cabinet, so if Prissy got to snooping around in there, out would come the marbles and make a big noise, and sure enough, she did, and they did, so now everybody knows Prissy's a snooper!

Don't be a snooper, going through other people's medicine cabinets, when you're a guest at their house for Thanksgiving.  It's not that they have anything to hide, but it's just not very polite to go through people's things without their permission.  If you're experiencing a headache or indigestion or a wardrobe emergency, and you didn't come prepared, quietly and discreetly take aside your host and ask if he or she has anything to help you, such as an aspirin, a bicarbonate of soda, or perhaps you need some fashion tape, a safety pin, or a hair clippie.  Just ask!  There's no need to be a snooper-pooper!

Something else that you should do is keep your criticism of the food choices to yourself.  If your host has apple cider as a beverage choice, and you think apple cider is out and egg nog is in, you just keep that right to yourself, Sunshine.  Maybe your host really loves apple cider.  Maybe someone else at the party loves apple cider.  If you don't like it, or you don't wanna drink it because you think it's out of season starting November First, choose a different beverage!  The important thing to remember is that you are a guest in someone else's house.  That doesn't give you license to criticize ... well, anything.  On the other hand, if you really love Egg Nog, and would be disappointed if it isn't served, nothing says you can't bring along some Egg Nog!  How about that?!

While you're at the table, please avoid controversial topics such as politics or your cousin Sally's new face-tattoo that you hate.  Also, avoid any topic that could be construed as unappetizing.  This one's a hard one for me, because I can't figure out why gas is a taboo table-topic.  Everybody gets gas.  Everybody burps!  But I've been told it's a Taboo Topic at dinner.  While we're at Taboo Topics, don't try to pick a fight with anybody else at the table, and don't be so needy for attention that you're acting out in hopes of somebody telling you to shut up.  If you're feeling ignored at the table, and you can't seem to help yourself from bringing up Taboo Topics, Gross Conversations, or Touchy Subjects, pretend you're an anthropologist, observing another culture and keep your eyes open and your mouth shut, except for when you're taking another bite!

If you've got camera duty, whether you volunteered for it, or someone told you to take pictures of Thanksgiving, remember that in this capacity, you're there to document the gathering, not to be the center of attention.  If you're constantly shouting out "Hey, everybody!  Look at me with the camera!" you're just gonna look like you're needy for attention.  Sometimes, it's nice to have candid pictures where people are behaving normally in a habitat and not turned awkwardly to show their teeth at a camera.  Don't keep making a buncha people stand there in awkward rows while you try to get a perfect smile out of everybody.  Three snaps, and you're done.  If Aunt Mabel still looks like somebody hit her in the butt with a sour apple, well, isn't that just the sort of memory you're after?  No need to punish everybody else at the gathering, standing there, bored out of their gourds, while you snap and fiddle and cajole. Now, if somebody doesn't want you putting your camera in their face, respect it.  If someone tells you they don't want their picture taken, don't keep trying to wheedle them into having their picture taken.  That could be construed as being very needy for attention, wrapped up in Wanting To Be Helpful.

Arrive with your sparkling personality on!

If you've got a camera and have yourself on Snap Patrol, just be cool about it, Friends!  Just be cool about it!

Now, Friends, I know that might have seemed a little negative, my list of DON'Ts, but it really needed to be said.  I'd hate to have any of my Friends end up on somebody's Unvite list, and my sources tell me those are some surefire ways to ensure you wind up on that list.

But now, here's my guide to being the Best Guest this holiday season!

First, you're gonna wanna pay attention to the invitation.  What time does it say to be there?  What kind of dinner is it?  Is it a buffet?  A sit-down?  Is it catered by tuxedo-wearing butlers?  If it's catered by tuxedo-wearing butlers, whose Thanksgiving are YOU going to, and can I come along?  I've never seen a spectacle like that before!

Back on track.  You don't wanna be late for dinner, especially if it's a sit-down, but you don't wanna arrive very early and make your host uncomfortable, especially if you're the sort to be less of a helper and more of a hoverer (be honest and have a jaundiced eye about yourself here, Friends!).  I'd say if the invite says things start at 5, get there at 5.  5:10 if you wanna be fashionably late.  If the invitation says that Dinner Starts at 6:00, that means your host wants everybody in the building and ready to sit down at 6, so you probably oughtta get there around 5:45 or so.  But I think if your host has a specific time they want everybody's bodies at the table, they oughtta plan a Hors d'oeuvres Half-Hour, so the invite oughtta say "Hors d'oeuvres at 5:30, Sit-Down Dinner at 6:00."

You know, if you're in doubt, give your host a call and find out what time they really want people turning up at their house.  Honesty is the best policy, and I'm just learnin' these things, too!  When I don't know something, I ask about it!  So should you, Big People!

Next, if you're so inclined, ask your host what you can bring.  A side-dish?  A jugga apple cider (hahahaha!)?  Some rescue frozen pizzas to keep in the freezer, just in case the Main Event doesn't work out quite as planned?

If your host says you don't need to bring anything but yourself, but you feel bad about coming empty-handed, you can always bring a very small, thoughtful host gift, such as a little scented candle for in the powder room, or a little boxa chocolates for the host to enjoy after everybody goes home and things are all cleaned up, or just a little, unobtrusive token just to say 'thanks for having me over!'  It doesn't hafta be extravagant.

For instance, when I'm invited to my pal Sabretooth's house for dinner, I bring along a little can of tunafish.  It's something Sabretooth really likes to eat.  He's not big on chocolate, so tunafish is his treat.

Being Best Guest all comes down to observing Good Manners, Friends!

After the meal, if you really wanna rock as a guest, offer to help carry the dishes into the kitchen.  If your host says no, back off.  They have their reasons.  Don't read into it.  Just go mill around.  But at least offer.  Likewise for maybe helping wash the dishes.  Sometimes, it's more work to have a helper when you're washing dishes, so again, ask, and don't be mad if you get told 'no thank you, please!'  Also, don't get mad if your host takes you up on your offer to help!

Finally, when it's the end of the night, know when to go home.  Don't make your host start turning out lights on you.  You don't wanna be the first one out the door, unless there's a pack of people being first out the door, in which case, you can saddle up and head out with the group.  But you definitely don't want to still be rattling around while your host is nodding off or acting antsy because he or she wants to get those dishes done.  Look for a natural lull in things, and then say 'Thank you for having me over!  I had a great time, and we'll do this again soon, but I'm gonna head out now!'  And then get your coat and boots on and go.  Don't slop things over.

So there it is, Friends!  That's the highpoints of being Best Guest.  It all boils down to remembering and practicing Good Manners.  It isn't some magical formula.  Just good ol' horse sense.  I hope my guide helps ya out, Friends!

I'll see ya tomorrow, right on Thanksgiving Day, so get a good night's sleep tonight, and maybe get in a little extra exercise, too.  You don't wanna splitchyer pants at the table!  That probably won't get you on the Permanent Unvite List, but it'll definitely make people giggle aboutchya!  Be safe out there!

I love ya, Friends!  Muah!