Pages

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The MONster M*A*S*H

I've seen some things this week, Friends.
Hiya, Friends!  Well, how's your HalloWEEK been treating you?  It's been a busy one for me, especially at my internship at St. Laffalotatus-Mercy-Mercy Hospital.  Yes, I'm still an intern at St. Laffalotatus-Mercy-Mercy Hospital, and it's been just crazy this week. 

You see, we've had an influx of traffic in our Emergency Room, affectionately known as "The Pit."  We interns hafta put our time in The Pit, running scut and doing the grunt-work.  It actually would be pretty interesting if we weren't so busy and if things weren't so crazy!

For instance, yesterday, we had a fella come in to The Pit wearin' a cloak with a big stand-up collar, and knee-breeches, and a ruffly shirt, and a waistcoat, and... he was carryin' his head under his arm, and his head wasn't a head at all.  It was a Pumpkin!  Holy smokes!

Well, you can't just scream when you're working in The Pit, even if you see a fellow come in, carrying his pumpkin-head under his arm like a football.  That'd be unprofessional.  So I sat him down on a cot, and got his health-history.  Checking his vital signs was a little weird, since he didn't have any, but he was walking around and could sit up and stuff.  He answered all my questions with this weird echoey "muahahahahahahaha!"  Just as I was gonna go to my attending for some help, I decided to have him write down what was the matter.  I thought for sure, it'd be the fact that he had no head but for a pumpkin, but that wasn't it at all.   He had a bad splinter in his hand, which I was able to take care of.  I even got to do stitches!  All by myself!  That was something!
Some wild and crazy things!

That was just the beginning.  The next patient I saw was a Jacko Lantern.  He was doing the Moonwalk and blew out his own candle.  He was all dark and spooky, sitting on his gurney, but I got him lit back up in just a few minutes, and he was on his way.

There was this witch who flew her broom into a tree.  She was pretty banged up.  We had to refer her up to ortho.  She's gonna be all right, but she won't be flying around on a broom for a while, poor thing.

A tall fellow came staggering in through the Emergency Room doors, and he had a bolt through his neck!  I thought for sure he was a construction worker, and his bolt gun got away from him, but the bolt was holding on his head.  He came to us for a fever of 98.6.  That's normal for you and me and the other interns at St. Laffalotatus-Mercy-Mercy Hospital, but for this fellow, he was burning the heck up!  I saw him when we were on rounds with one of our attendings, Dr. Frank N. Stein, and he's doing much better, but he's going to have to stay in the hospital for a few days.

A vampire fellow came into The Pit because he was playing racketball with a mummy, and he got hit in the head with the ball.  The mummy was fine but felt bad for the vampire.  We had to do an MRI on the vampire, and he was the stillest patient I've ever seen in the MRI machine!  The thing with him was that once he started feeling a little better, we had a hard time keeping him out of the blood bank.  Finally, one of our nurses thought to get him some blood orange juice!  That saved the day!

A skeleton swallowed a key.  You'd think it'd just go straight through, but it surely did not.  And what's worse, we didn't know whether to get an ortho consult, because it's a skeleton who swallowed a key and is just bones, or if we needed one of the gastro fellows, or a general surgeon, so we paged everybody and got in hot water for doing that.  Especially when they told us we should have paged the locksmith, and when the general surgeon paged the locksmith for us, did we ever get a dirty look!

We had a heart for transplant come in.  They brought it in one of those red coolers.  And we all kept hearing a lub-dub, lub-dub sound.  We couldn't figure out where that sound was coming from, and we looked all over The Pit, and as it turned out, it was that heart, in the red cooler!  We saw the heart and its new owner this morning on rounds.  They're both doing well, and the beating sound wasn't so loud, so the heart must be happy to be there.

A werewolf bit himself, so we had to give him a rabies shot and also a Milkbone. 

It's all in a day's work, though, at St. Laffalotatus-Mercy-Mercy!
A banshee came in because she'd lost her voice.  She was my patient, and at first, I was really afraid, because you know, she was a banshee.  But she turned out to be really sweet, and she had a really sore throat.  I got her to gargle with some salt water, eat a coupla marshmallows out of the refrigerator, and wear a scarf to keep her neck warm.  She's doing lots better, but she still has to rest her voice!

Friends, I'll be honest with you.  When I started my internship at St. Laffalotatus-Mercy-Mercy Hospital, I never thought I'd be working in a Monster M*A*S*H unit, but I sure am.  This week has brought out some crazy, crazy things.  Things I'm not sure I'd see if I'd have gotten an internship somewhere else.  It's rewarding, though.  It is.

Well, Friends.  Stay safe and sound for the rest of this HalloWeek!  If you're playin' racketball with a mummy, please keep your eye on the ball!  Don't let it hitchya in the face!  And remember, Friends, I love ya! Muah!

No comments:

Post a Comment