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Sunday, June 8, 2014

My Five-Hundredth Post!

I've been checkin' in on ya for five-hunnert posts now!  Whew!
Hiya, Big People!  Guess what this is!  It's my five-hundredth post!  Who would have ever thought I'd make it to writin' five-HUNDRED posts for you to read!  Every darn day of this New Year, which isn't really all that new anymore.  I guess I should say every day of Twenty-Fourteen, plus a buncha days from 2013, I've written to you.

It's true.  I went back and looked, and every day from June of 2013, except for November First, I've peeked in at you from my place here on the World Wide Web, because the name of this blog is "The Daily Zoe," and I know it was silly there for a while for me to have the audacity to call my web log the "daily" anything, if I was showing up only occasionally.

You know, I thought I was a Pretty Big Cheese back on my One-Hundredth Post.  I crowned myself the "Postess with the Mostess."  Ha!  Then, when I hit my Two-Hundredth Post last August, I thought I was just pretty great.  I believe I told you if you ran across any ice cream cake that day, you ought to grab a slice and think of me.  Apparently I wasn't very self-aware of myself when I had my Three-Hundredth Post.  I was so wrapped up in being traumatized by the toilet that I couldn't even bring myself to remember that it was my three-hundredth post that day.  But I DID return to my senses to mark the milestone for my Four-Hundredth Post, and it doesn't seem like it was all that long ago!  By golly, it was only in February!

Going back to my Three-Hundredth Post, Friends.  I know it was all the way last November and all, before the Holiday Season, but that public toilet trauma still haunts me.  It's given me psychological ramifications.  You see, tomorrow, I will be thirty-three months old, and I still haven't had any interest whatsoever in learnin' to use the potty.  I don't even wanna hafta talk about it.  It's all because of that loud automatic-flushing toilet at the dang ol' Olive Garden.  It scared the bejeezus right out of me, and also scared some crap out of me, too, which makes it so ridiculous that Mommy thinks she wants to pick a fight with me about this toilet training business. 

Can you imagine how inconvenient it would have been for her if the public toilet in the Olive Garden had scared the crap out of me and I HADN'T have been wearin' a diaper?  Oh my goodness.  You think that woman whines all the time now, about me being practically a pre-schooler still in diapers, but had that incident occurred not in a diaper, she'd REALLY be a-whinin'. 

So there, Mommy!  I'm actually doin' you a FAVOR, not being interested in the potty right now.  I'm savin' you from a lot of tribulation.  You ought to be thanking me for wearin' diapers, not nagging me to try that infernal porcelain contraption out.  If you're even reading this.

For everybody else, I'm sorry it's come to this, on such a momentous occasion as my 500th post.  I should be talking about all the things I CAN do, insteadda dwellin' on this one thing I can't do yet.  And I'll have you know, there's a LOT of things, really cool things I can do right now, but I don't live in a culture of celebrating the ninety-five.  I live in the culture of quibbling over where the missing five points are.  Pffffffffffffft.

You know what?  I'm gonna focus on the positive.  I've written five-hundred posts.  I know my alphabet.  I can count to twenty all by myself, but I skip the number seventeen every time, because I don't like the number seventeen.  I can pick out my own clothes if I wanna.  I can brush my own teeth.  I can buckle my own seatbelt in my high chair, at least.  I know how to work the remote control for the television.  I can do a lot of things.  By golly.

So for my Five-Hundredth Post, Friends, I want you to join me in accentuating the positive.  Being glad for the things we have and the things we can do, insteadda dwelling on the things we don't have and the things we can't do.  How about it, Friends?  I love ya lots, and I'll see ya tomorrow, with Post 501!  How about that?!

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